Spring Break - Finding Control

Well it's been over a week since I've posted on here about my journey. Most of the time, I do my writing during one of my free or planning periods at school. Last week was Spring Break, so I was home with my kids. I probably could have found time to write, but I didn't want to, because my kids kept me very busy and to be honest, I didn't want to have the accountability.

The last 2 weeks, I've been really struggling with my eating and my diet plans. It's weird... I have been doing great all day (breakfast, lunch, snacks, and then at dinner, I just want to binge out on whatever I'm cooking for the family... and after dinner.... I've been feeling this unbelievably crazy urge to constantly snack. Some nights... the good nights... I didn't give in to it. Other nights (most nights), I snacked on an Atkins bar (even though I'd already had 1 or 2 throughout the day) and Wheat Thins (which aren't even allowed on my diet, but I kept telling myself they're ok because they're "healthy" crackers). Stupid, I know. Then I beat myself up, and start all over doing the same stupid stuff again. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm glad for school to be back in session, because the schedule helps me have structure and helps me stay on my plan. This thought makes me nervous about the summer and lack of schedule.

I haven't gained any weight, but my weight loss hasn't been what I hoped it would be. Another thing I haven't been doing is logging my food in my Atkins app. I think that would help me too. I basically have a week and a half until Easter (my first goal weigh in), and I still have 11 lbs to lose. I'm not going to starve myself to do it, and if I miss that goal, I miss it, but I want to try my hardest. Tonight, I have volleyball, which feels like a good workout. I may try to get in a run after volleyball before I head home. We'll see.

Speaking of running... I am VERY happy with the progress I'm making there! In March, I ran a total of 19.2 miles (at 285-275 lbs)!! I know that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, that is the most I've probably ever ran in my life, and I'm proud! Also, I ran a full 3.1 miles the last two Sundays! The exciting part about that was my time difference/improvement in a week's time.

So, my first 3.1 miles I did in 46:24.... one week later, I completed the same amount in 42:43!!!!! This makes me SO happy because I was very nervous that I wouldn't be able to complete my very first 5k (this Sunday) in under 45 minutes (my goal). But now, after this past week, I feel like it's definitely more possible! I'm still very nervous about the 5k, and hope that I don't feel overwhelmed by all of the people there. I also want to try to find something to wear for Sunday... something that actually looks like athletic clothes and not like loose pajamas. 

Sometimes I still can't believe that at 270 something pounds, I'm jogging/running. Every time I start, the first 1/2 to 3/4 mile is TORTURE. I try to talk myself out of finishing and just quitting every time. I come up with every excuse from my knees hurt, to my ankles hurt, to it's hot, to I need to be playing with my kids.... it's crazy how my mind is. But then, while I'm coming up with those excuses, I focus on 2 main questions: 1) Am I struggling to breathe (am I winded), and 2) Do my legs hurt/feel tired. Everytime I ask those 2 questions, the answer is always no, which means, I should keep running. I don't feel winded or out of breath, and my legs don't feel like they're about to fall apart, so I figure I should keep going... and I do. By mile 2, I start realizing, that I'm not super exhausted, and that I'm more than halfway to my goal. I also start imagining myself crossing the finish line Sunday. I wonder if I'll be emotional, if I'll look completely exhausted, if I'll even care. I hope I care.... I hope I feel really proud. I don't really want to cry, but I'm not ashamed to. I hope I enjoy it and want to do another one soon.

Most important, though, I hope I continue on this journey. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be obese forever. I'm not going to have to wear plus size the rest of my life. I'm not going to look in the mirror and be ashamed. I'm not going to lay in bed beside my husband and try to find the perfect angle to lay where he can't feel/see every roll on my body. 

I am going to win this battle. 

Fitting in time to run

Yesterday, I knew I wouldn't have time to run. Wednesdays are very busy at my house! Once I get all of my kids picked up after work (my boys from my Mom, and Isabella from school), we get home about 4:15PM. I have choir and Isabella has piano/children's church at 5:50, so that gives me about an hour and a half to get everything done before we leave. In that hour and a half, I fix the older kids a snack, nurse Wyatt (and when I'm lucky, get him down for a nap), cook dinner, and try to straighten up the house. Between 4:15 and 5:50 is a complete blur. When we get home from all of the evening activities (about 7:30), I feed everyone dinner, do baths, clean up dinner, nurse Wyatt (story of my life!), and get everyone ready for bed. Some days, like yesterday, I told myself I'd go to the Rush after every is in bed and Wyatt is asleep (9:30), but by that point, I'm so tired... it never happens. So for the most part, I've resigned myself to the truth that Wednesdays... I'm not running. Which I think is ok. Mondays we run, and Tuesdays I get a lot of exercise doing volleyball.

This week, though, Paul and I have a 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner to go to tonight (Thursday). I don't want to miss 2 days of running, so I have dutifully packed my running clothes and am going to skip lunch hour and go to the Rush. I'll just eat in my office during my planning period the next hour. I'm not super excited about this plan because 1) I hate coming back to work stinky and sweaty, and 2) I'm going to have to shower and do my hair again this evening to go to the 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner tonight. I want to look nice because Paul and I rarely get to go out without the kids, and I know he'll be dressed nice. So, I'm going to force myself over to the Rush during lunch and try to get in at least 30 minutes of running, which should put me close to 2.5 miles (I hope!)

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday because I only lost 2 pounds this past week, and I really wanted to lose more than that. When I got home last night, I had a surprise that was VERY exciting! I had ordered some stuff off clearance from The Avenue (plus size clothes... one day, I hope I never have to say the word "plus size clothes" again). Since the stuff was on clearance, I ordered several pairs of pants in size 22 and one pair size 20. I figured, at some point, I'll lose enough weight to get into the size 20, and the size 22 should at least be able to zip up right now and should fit soon. I started in a size 24 (January/February). SO, I tried everything on, just for the heck of it. The size 22 pants fit GREAT... ALMOST LOOSE! And the best part.... I could get into and zip up the size 20 pants!!!! WOOOOO! They were still a little too tight for me to wear comfortably, it won't be long! I also got some 18/20 shirts (was wearing 22/24). They were pretty clingy (I don't like my rolls to just blatantly show), but I could wear them if I wasn't so self-conscious! So overall, I was SO surprised and happy! I guess even if I'm only losing a little at a time, my body is changing (probably thanks to the running!)

So that made me feel a lot better! Tonight, is the first party I'm attending since I've started Atkins and my weightloss journey. I'm hoping that they have some foods there that I can eat. If not, my goal is to not over eat (obviously), to not eat any dessert (even if the cake looks AMAZING), and to try to stay on track as much as possible! I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to talk to Paul before hand and remind him that this is important to me. I just don't want him offering me cake, and desserts. So here we go... going to fit in my running today!

2 pounds... feeling slightly discouraged

So today was weigh in day, and I'm pretty bummed. I lost two pounds... but I was feeling like it would be in the 4-5 pound range. I know that it's silly to be bummed about losing two pounds because for a week, that's good!... but I'm bummed. I feel like I'm working so hard and the weight is coming off SO SLOWLY! I  know, I know - it didn't all get put on over night and it's going to take a long time (if I do it the healthy way). I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing something so AMAZING and GREAT for myself and that the weight will come off and I will be healthy! It's just hard when there aren't big number changes every week.

Last night, was volleyball night. I played for 2 and half hours and I was WORN out, and also very sore! My legs, feet, ankles, knees... all of them.... hurt. It's weird, I'm not nearly as sore when I run, but when I play volleyball, I'm super sore. I think it's because the movements are so different, not consistent, and way more aggressive. I had a great time though! I'm so thankful to have been invited to that group by Amy because I really don't have any socialization time or girlfriends to hang with. It's always just me and the kids (and Paul when he's off work).

I need to run today. It's really, really cold outside (especially for Tennessee)... 20 degrees... and it SNOWED yesterday! It's almost April... and last week temperatures were in the 70's! Next week, the temperatures are supposed to be warm again, and it's Spring Break!!! So I'm hoping to get in a lot of good workouts next week. Tonight, I guess I'll have to run at the Rush. I haven't been there in SO long! I've been enjoying running outside with Paul and the kids. Hopefully, I'll find a time to run tonight. I'd really like to do 2.5 miles tonight... I hope! I just want to keep losing weight and stick to my goals. Some moments, it's so much harder than others. Right now, I'm feeling the struggle and frustration of my body not changing overnight, but I KNOW I can do it!!!!!

I have 3 and half more weeks to go until Easter (my first weightloss goal), and I have 12 more pounds to lose. that's 4 pounds a week, which seems super lofty after only losing 2 lbs this week, but that's my goal and I'm not changing it!

Weekend Update

Monday seems like it gets here SO fast! It's like the weekend is just a blur. I always have a list of a zillion things I want to get done... and I always get done about 1 (maybe) thing on that list. This weekend was no different, but we had some fun as a family so it was worth it! Friday night, when Paul got off work, we went down to his parents and dropped the kids off. He wanted us to run together (this is the first time we've done that). We decided to go to the Battlefield (it's a national park where the Chickamauga Battle took place). He also decided we would do a trail instead of just run the street. At first, it wasn't terrible... the trail was smooth. In randomly had some pretty big inclines, but it was smooth. It was hard for me, though, because I was VERY conscious of Paul being there. Silly things... like I didn't want him to hear me breathing loud/hard, so I'd try to breathe really quietly, which made me hold my breath and get my breathing completely out of whack.... which then made me winded WAY before I normally am. Also, I didn't wear headphones and listen to music. That helps me SO much because I can zone in on the music and forget about being tired/sore/going slow etc. I told him that at the race, I'm going to have to wear headphones because then I won't worry about my breathing loud and I can focus better. The trail also got really difficult... huge rocks, very muddy. We made it 2 miles jogging, but it wasn't easy or fun. And my feet got blisters because I kept running on new areas of my foot trying to dodge big rocks, sticks, and other debris. I don't ever want to do that again. It was pretty... but hard... and not hard in a good workout way, just hard like I never wanted to run again after that. I don't want to get discouraged. I DID stay on my diet plan though, so that's a positive!

Saturday, we went to the Knoxville Zoo as a family!!! It was SO much fun! Josh went, and I think he even had a good time! Bella fed a giraffe and got to see zebras (her favorite animal... today anyways haha). We did a lot of walking and the kids really behaved. I'm glad they did well because that gave us a good indication of how Disney World is going to be. Also... I wore a shirt that I haven't been able to wear in 3 years!! It was a little tight, but it's getting there! And I'm proud!

Once we got home, we all slept. I told Paul I didn't want to run Saturday because my feet hurt from Friday and I was tired from the walking. Once every napped, he encouraged me that we should go to the park and both run (where one takes care of the kids, the other one runs and then vice verse). So, he dropped me off at the starting point and drove to the playground at the end. I ran 2.2 miles! I stopped once for about a minute to breathe, but other than that, I did it! When I got to the end, he decided he was tired and not feeling great (haha) so he didn't run! SLACKER :) But I'm proud that I did it, and that I didn't take the day off like I had planned. 

Sunday is always busy with church and those responsibilities. I did REALLY bad on the Atkins diet. I didn't over eat like I normally would, but I didn't eat what I was supposed to. The only thing I'm proud of is after dinner (at 6:30) I really wanted a bar or shake the rest of the night because I wanted something sweet. I even felt pretty hungry at one point... but I didn't eat anything else after dinner, and went to bed a little hungry! Normally, I would've eaten like 5 more things. 

Hopefully this upcoming week, I will stay on plan everyday. I also hope that I will run at least 5 of the 7 days, and that I will be a doing at least 2.5 miles each run! The 5K is coming up soon and I just want to make sure I can do it without stopping! I have about a month until Easter, so I still have 14 lbs to lose to reach my goal by Easter!

One final picture.. .Paul BUZZED Wyatt's hair yesterday!!! At 5 months old! I had already cut it twice, but it was still so bad looking, and Paul begged, so I let him. It looks pretty cute though :) 

Made it 2 full miles!

So, I jogged 2 miles straight last night! I'm pretty sure I'm totally awesome! Just kidding... but I did feel totally proud of myself. Paul ran about 1.4 miles.... but he had kept the kids while I ran and he was getting hungry/tired. He also runs a good 2 minutes faster than me. I'm so proud though. We had planned to only run 1.5, but I decided I wanted to push and do 2. Now I only have 1.1 miles left to make it the 5K distance! Me legs were really sore last night... my feet too. It's weird... they didn't hurt at all at 1.5 miles, but at 2 miles, they hurt really bad. The other problem is my shoulders/upper back. I have a really large chest, and I'm nursing, so with the two combined, it's a lot of weight on my shoulders/back. It used to not bother me, but now it's starting to hurt. I don't like bouncing or for my boobs to hit me in the face every time I run, so I wear a wired regular bra, and then a very tight sports bra over that. It's not comfortable at all, but it keeps everything tight. I noticed my shoulders, especially, hurt really bad afterwards though. I really hope that in this losing weight, I lose weight in my chest. If not, I'm going to save up and have surgery to make them smaller. I hate how big they are.

Anyways, after the 2 mile run, it was almost 8PM and none of us had eaten, so we grabbed fast food. I had a half chicken Caesar salad and a cup of chili from Wendy's. It was SO good... but I know it was over my carb allowance. I was worried about it going to bed, because even though I'd had way more water than I needed, I also had a diet coke and I was worried about how much water that was going to make me retain. I'm really proud about the diet coke situation. I usually drink 2-3 a day... .now I have 1-2 A WEEK! That wasn't intentional, but with the healthy eating (AKA, not eating out), and the large cups of water, I haven't really thought about, needed, or wanted diet coke.

So.... I have an addiction to weighing myself. Anytime I use the bathroom, anytime I nurse, basically anytime I'm in my room, I want to weight myself to see if there's any change. I don't think this is healthy at all, but I don't know how to stop it. The obvious answer would be... just don't get on the scale... but that's easier said than done. It's so bad, that anytime I go in my room, I take off my clothes to weigh. WAY TOO MUCH TIME/EFFORT being put into that! But I don't know how to stop it, or if I'm even ready to tackle that yet. I should be just proud of the fact that I'm eating healthy and exercising, but it doesn't seem worth it in my mind if I'm not losing weight (does that make sense?)... So when I am losing weight, the scale going down makes it worth it. Maybe one week, I'll set a goal to not weigh myself once during the week until the weigh-in. I'm not ready to make that goal yet, but I am starting to think about the addiction/problem I have with constantly weighing. I wonder if anyone else is like that.

My goal for this weekend is to stay on my carb count all weekend. I struggle when I'm not on my daily work/school/kids schedule, and when Paul is off work to eat healthy and to eat what I'm supposed to eat to stay on my plan. So I want to do that this weekend, and not have to play catch up next week to get back on track.

Training for a 5K

I'm not sure that people actually train for a 5K... by people, I mean runners. When I think about it, I imagine that a 5K for runners is nothing, and they don't really have to train for it. Maybe I'm wrong? But I'm training, because I've never ran more than half a mile in my life. Well, that's a lie, now that I'm training. I don't think Paul and I have actually verbalized a training schedule or said "We're going to run x amount of days each week for x amount of miles."... but it's happening, and I'm really proud! Yesterday, it was 42 degrees outside when we went for our jog. For Chattanooga, that's pretty cold... especially for our kids. I was in a very cranky mood because the kids had worn me out from the time I got off work to the time Paul got off work (about 4 hours). So I snapped at him, right off the bat. Luckily, the running helped both of us get in a better mood for the evening. Last Thurs-Saturday, we each jogged a mile. I'd jog a mile, while he played with the kids, then he'd jog a mile while I played with the kids.

Tonight we decided we'd do 1.5 miles. This was BY FAR my easiest jog since January! It was so nice to feel like I wasn't exhausted, frustrated, or in pain! It made me feel like this work is paying off. Paul had a really hard time and felt like he over did it. I think he is going a little too fast. I'm running about a 14:00 mile... which I know, is slow... but it's a start. When I get down to a 12:30/mi pace, I get a little too winded. Paul said that our goal should be to never run less than we are running now, and try to increase weekly. So like next week, 2 miles. The next week 2.5 miles, and then the 3.1 miles the next. That would have us running a full 5K for a week before the race. That seems so far away and so close all at the same time! It makes me so nervous. I just want to not walk any of it. Who am I kidding!?!? I want to go "fast," for me. But I'll be very proud just to finish it.

Diet wise, I'm doing good! I want to cut back a little on the Atkins endulge bars/treats. I think I'm eating one too many of them. I'd really like to get down to 3 small meals and 2 small snacks a day (and they need to be within the guidelines of Phase 1 of course). Tonight is volleyball! I love volleyball night because it's good exercise, but WAY more fun than running. :) Paul said he's planning on running sometime today at the gym, and that I need to too. I think he's planning on us running 5-6x a week! Some days, I dread it, but once I'm done, I feel like I've accomplished something so great! Something I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I'm also excited to weigh in tomorrow and see if I'm getting any closer to my Easter goal (260lbs).

Made it more than a week! GO ME!

So I've successfully completed over an entire week of the Atkins diet! WOOOOOO! And it wasn't too terribly hard! I've had a couple of times where I've been really hungry, or really craving something terrible for me, but overall, I've felt pretty good! I haven't posted much about it because it's been kind of crazy. Last Wednesday, JD had a rash all over his body and a high fever. Found out he had scarlet fever and severe strep throat. The scarlet fever sounded super scary, but the pediatrician said that it was just a by-product of the strep throat. So I stayed home with him Thursday. I didn't get to exercise Wednesday or Thursday because of that, and then Friday it was almost 70 degrees YES so we spent the evening outside with the kids (I didn't get to exercise that night either).

Thursday was actually the hardest day to stay on my diet, when I was at home. I guess being home and bored, and I just wanted to eat eat eat all day (and eat crap at that). I cheated once, but I didn't fall off of the band wagon completely.

Saturday, when Paul got off work, we went for a hike (well more like a trail walk with the kids) but it was fun! Then we met my parents at Cheddars (it's a new restaurant we just got). The wait was long, and of course, there wasn't much I could eat on the menu, but I didn't really cheat there either. I had a few bites of one of Paul's chicken fingers (I guess that was a cheat), but other than that, I shared a few bites of his steak and most of his broccoli. The servings are HUGE so he didn't seem to mind.

Here's some sweet picts from the hike :)

Then the bad days came. I started feeling TERRIBLE Sunday, and by that evening, I was running a high fever and my throat was throbbing. I pretty much knew immediately what it was, thanks to JD :) I went Monday morning to the DR and I had severe strep. So I got put on an antibiotic, that subsequently caused my to have a slight urinary tract infection. (TMI, I know). I have struggled with Chronic UTI's ever since JD was born. It's been doing better, but something about the antibiotic triggered it. So Monday, I didn't follow the diet at all. I rushed to the doctor and didn't pack breakfast or lunch, so I ate terrible when I did it. It hurt to swallow so I didn't eat tons. Mom fixed me her AMAZING chicken soup for dinner (which is totally against the diet) but I ate that because it felt so nice on my throat. Then Paul picked up sherbet icecream and sprite and surprised me with kind of an ice cream punch. It felt so good on my throat too! So Monday was a major setback because 1) the AZO pills I have to take for the UTI makes my body hold on to a lot of the water in my body (makes me swell), and 2) I ate sweets, sweets, and carbs :) I was sick. It happens.

Tuesday, I was back on track, though, and did great! I also found out that Bi-lo had the Atkins freezer meals B1G1, so I bought 4. I figured they'd taste terrible, or wouldn't be filling, but it was actually REALLY good! I had the chicken and broccoli alfredo. I didn't pay attention to the package, so I expected noodles (the pasta), but it was just chicken and broccoli with an alfredo like sauce. That makes sense since I assume alfredo noodles would have a lot a carbs. It was really good though, and I felt very full! YAY! I'm going to go back today and stock up on those while they're on sale.

SO BEST PART OF ALL OF THIS! I weighed this morning! It's been more than a week, it's been a week and 2 days, but I kind of subtracted Sunday and Monday (sick days), so it's basically been a week! AND I LOST 7 POUNDS!!!!! I smiled really big this morning when I saw the scale. What motivation!! So this week, I'm going to stick to the plan again, but add in more working out, now that I'm starting to feel better. I really have to start consistently training for the 5k now, because I'm looking at one to sign up for that is exactly 1 month from tomorrow! Yikes! It makes me so nervous, but one of my goals is to run a 5K by the end of April, so it's time to suck it up, get over the fears, and DO IT! Speaking of goals, I'm 18 lbs away from reaching my goal of 260lbs by Easter. I think if I add in exercise, it will be more than possible!!!!

Here's what yesterday's stats looked like! VERY GOOD!

2 Days Down... I'M A CONQUEROR!

So I've completed 2 days of the Atkins diet, and it hasn't been bad at all! I thought I would just die, but I've only felt hungry 2-3x the last two days, and it was easily remedied with either an Atkins advantage bar (which is like a candy bar) or some tuna or meat. I'm not going to lie, I've weighed myself both days.... and it's been EXCITING to see results! I'm not going to share the results until I do my official weigh in on Monday... but it's so nice to see numbers changing!

I've worked hard the last two days to be very careful about what I eat. I've even eaten completely different dinners than my family, which is a HUGE change. The biggest change is that I haven't had a candy bar (normally I have 3-4 ...embarrassing) the last 2 days, and I haven't had any bread, crackers, sweets, or fruit. I know that fruit isn't bad for you, but during this phase, it's not allowed. I also haven't had fast food (fries, burgers, etc). I realized this morning, when I woke up that I also haven't had a diet coke in 2 DAYS! Normally I have 2-3 a day. That wasn't really a goal of mine, but I guess that's what happens when you eat at home, instead of eating out.

The other big thing is I've gotten in some form of exercising both days! Monday, as I wrote about yesterday, I worked out at the gym (mostly jogging). Last night, my friend Amy invited me to a volleyball group she plays with. I almost didn't go (I get really nervous about groups of new people/activities)... but I forced myself... and I'm SO GLAD I went! It was a great way to get in almost 2 hours of exercise, and it was so nice to meet some new people! They play every Tuesday, so I'm hoping to get to go to that at least 2x a month.

Today (Wednesday) is my and Paul's 3 year anniversary!!! Sometimes, I can't believe we have made it 3 years! All of the odds were against us, but we are committed and sometimes that's more important than anything else... to honor the commitment. I love him so much... even though we have had some major hard times. In the last 3 years of marriage, I graduated college, started my first full time teaching job, Paul adopted Isabella, Josh graduated high school, we had two new baby boys, and we bought our first home. WOW! That's a lot to go through during the first years of marriage... but we have and I'm proud to say that most of the time we've done it with greatness! I told him I'm hoping for a non-life changing event year in our marriage.. but now thinking about it... I'm not hoping that at all. I'm hoping to lose 100lbs this year, which to me is a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING EVENT! So here's to that life changing event this year!

Today, I'm going to force myself to sit down and find a 5K to run in April, so I can mark a goal off my goal list. It makes me so nervous, because I'm still so overweight, and I'm not a runner. I don't want to show up and people look at me like I'm the big fatso trying to run a 5K with all these runners. I also get nervous in large crowds. So I just need to pay the money, and suck up the fears, and DO IT! I think I will be proud of myself once it's done, and I think it will help me be more consistent in my working out/running.

Here's my breakdown for eating yesterday:
Breakfast - GNC Lean Chocolate Protein Shake
Snack - Atkins Advantage Chocolate Caramel Nut Log
Lunch - Grilled chicken salad (lettuce, grilled chicken, shredded cheddar, carrots, ranch dressing)
Snack - Atkins Advantage Chocolate Caramel Nut Log
Dinner - pork shoulder roast - leftover (basically shredded BBQ pork w/out the sauce) and green beans

and a butt load of water, and 1 cup of coffee :)