I don't even want to talk about it...

I don't even want to talk about the weekend, because I said I wouldn't lose control through the holiday.... but I, unfortunately lost control. Obviously, in losing control, I did not meet my goal of weighing 260lbs by Sunday! I gained 1 lb!!! UGH! Actually... I'm shocked that it wasn't more like 10-15 lbs... that's how much I ate, and how gross it felt to eat that much. This isn't going to be a totally negative post because there were some great moments from this weekend. So I'll try to get through it all as quickly as possible.

First, and almost MOST important... I can cross another goal of my list that I successfully completed! This is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I TOLD MY HUSBAND HOW MUCH I WEIGHED! If you don't fully understand why this is exciting/important, you can read about this issue HERE . But I talked to him about my fears of him knowing, and about how crazy I've been trying to hide/cover it up over the years, and that I just want to be free to let that fear go and trust that he'll love me. So I told him. He didn't say he was shocked that it was that high, or low, or that I looked about that weight. He said it was amazing that in 5 months I've gone from 320 to 270 and that he is SO proud of me. He also said that I need to make sure I'm not doing this for him, but for me... which I think I am. He also told me he loved me no matter what size I am.... while that's still hard for me to believe, I'm trying to tell myself that daily.

SO that was great to check that off the goal list! Another exciting thing... I wore a dress for Easter that I haven't been able to fit into since before I had JD (that's almost 4 years ago!). YES, I wore spanx with it ;) but that was mostly because I just wanted to make sure nothing was "falling out." :) The dress was a size 22W, which is what I wear, but it is pretty fitted and straight cut! I was so excited! I was nervous getting ready to put it on Sunday, because I wasn't sure it would fit and hadn't thought about the possibility of it not fitting and what I would wear if it didn't.

I didn't run any this weekend. I just didn't have time. My grandfather (Mom's Dad) is about to pass away, so she was up there almost the entire weekend taking care of him. Paul had to work Saturday, so I had the kids for the Easter Egg Hunt and all the preparations for Sunday. Sunday, we normally do a huge family dinner, but my Mom normally does it at her house. Since she's been so overwhelmed... I volunteered to do it. So I had TONS of cleaning and cooking to do Saturday and Sunday. We had a great time with our family, but I just couldn't/ didn't control my eating.

 I don't want to focus on it too long, because I want to dust myself off and get started again. The kids and I baked cookies (which I ate tons of), and a cake (which I ate and licked tons of). There's really no way to sugar coat it. I ate crap from Friday-Sunday, with ZERO self control. I feel embarrassed, disappointed, and ashamed, but again... just going to start fresh today. I just want to be able to control those urges and to overcome the temptation to always eat and always eat SO much!




So tonight... I'm going back to eating my healthy, "diet" food for lack of  a better word. I had been trying to eat smaller portions of whatever I cook the family.. but that's not working. The portions keep getting bigger and bigger. And also, time for running again :)

Spring Break - Finding Control

Well it's been over a week since I've posted on here about my journey. Most of the time, I do my writing during one of my free or planning periods at school. Last week was Spring Break, so I was home with my kids. I probably could have found time to write, but I didn't want to, because my kids kept me very busy and to be honest, I didn't want to have the accountability.

The last 2 weeks, I've been really struggling with my eating and my diet plans. It's weird... I have been doing great all day (breakfast, lunch, snacks, and then at dinner, I just want to binge out on whatever I'm cooking for the family... and after dinner.... I've been feeling this unbelievably crazy urge to constantly snack. Some nights... the good nights... I didn't give in to it. Other nights (most nights), I snacked on an Atkins bar (even though I'd already had 1 or 2 throughout the day) and Wheat Thins (which aren't even allowed on my diet, but I kept telling myself they're ok because they're "healthy" crackers). Stupid, I know. Then I beat myself up, and start all over doing the same stupid stuff again. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm glad for school to be back in session, because the schedule helps me have structure and helps me stay on my plan. This thought makes me nervous about the summer and lack of schedule.

I haven't gained any weight, but my weight loss hasn't been what I hoped it would be. Another thing I haven't been doing is logging my food in my Atkins app. I think that would help me too. I basically have a week and a half until Easter (my first goal weigh in), and I still have 11 lbs to lose. I'm not going to starve myself to do it, and if I miss that goal, I miss it, but I want to try my hardest. Tonight, I have volleyball, which feels like a good workout. I may try to get in a run after volleyball before I head home. We'll see.

Speaking of running... I am VERY happy with the progress I'm making there! In March, I ran a total of 19.2 miles (at 285-275 lbs)!! I know that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, that is the most I've probably ever ran in my life, and I'm proud! Also, I ran a full 3.1 miles the last two Sundays! The exciting part about that was my time difference/improvement in a week's time.

So, my first 3.1 miles I did in 46:24.... one week later, I completed the same amount in 42:43!!!!! This makes me SO happy because I was very nervous that I wouldn't be able to complete my very first 5k (this Sunday) in under 45 minutes (my goal). But now, after this past week, I feel like it's definitely more possible! I'm still very nervous about the 5k, and hope that I don't feel overwhelmed by all of the people there. I also want to try to find something to wear for Sunday... something that actually looks like athletic clothes and not like loose pajamas. 

Sometimes I still can't believe that at 270 something pounds, I'm jogging/running. Every time I start, the first 1/2 to 3/4 mile is TORTURE. I try to talk myself out of finishing and just quitting every time. I come up with every excuse from my knees hurt, to my ankles hurt, to it's hot, to I need to be playing with my kids.... it's crazy how my mind is. But then, while I'm coming up with those excuses, I focus on 2 main questions: 1) Am I struggling to breathe (am I winded), and 2) Do my legs hurt/feel tired. Everytime I ask those 2 questions, the answer is always no, which means, I should keep running. I don't feel winded or out of breath, and my legs don't feel like they're about to fall apart, so I figure I should keep going... and I do. By mile 2, I start realizing, that I'm not super exhausted, and that I'm more than halfway to my goal. I also start imagining myself crossing the finish line Sunday. I wonder if I'll be emotional, if I'll look completely exhausted, if I'll even care. I hope I care.... I hope I feel really proud. I don't really want to cry, but I'm not ashamed to. I hope I enjoy it and want to do another one soon.

Most important, though, I hope I continue on this journey. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be obese forever. I'm not going to have to wear plus size the rest of my life. I'm not going to look in the mirror and be ashamed. I'm not going to lay in bed beside my husband and try to find the perfect angle to lay where he can't feel/see every roll on my body. 

I am going to win this battle. 

Fitting in time to run

Yesterday, I knew I wouldn't have time to run. Wednesdays are very busy at my house! Once I get all of my kids picked up after work (my boys from my Mom, and Isabella from school), we get home about 4:15PM. I have choir and Isabella has piano/children's church at 5:50, so that gives me about an hour and a half to get everything done before we leave. In that hour and a half, I fix the older kids a snack, nurse Wyatt (and when I'm lucky, get him down for a nap), cook dinner, and try to straighten up the house. Between 4:15 and 5:50 is a complete blur. When we get home from all of the evening activities (about 7:30), I feed everyone dinner, do baths, clean up dinner, nurse Wyatt (story of my life!), and get everyone ready for bed. Some days, like yesterday, I told myself I'd go to the Rush after every is in bed and Wyatt is asleep (9:30), but by that point, I'm so tired... it never happens. So for the most part, I've resigned myself to the truth that Wednesdays... I'm not running. Which I think is ok. Mondays we run, and Tuesdays I get a lot of exercise doing volleyball.

This week, though, Paul and I have a 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner to go to tonight (Thursday). I don't want to miss 2 days of running, so I have dutifully packed my running clothes and am going to skip lunch hour and go to the Rush. I'll just eat in my office during my planning period the next hour. I'm not super excited about this plan because 1) I hate coming back to work stinky and sweaty, and 2) I'm going to have to shower and do my hair again this evening to go to the 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner tonight. I want to look nice because Paul and I rarely get to go out without the kids, and I know he'll be dressed nice. So, I'm going to force myself over to the Rush during lunch and try to get in at least 30 minutes of running, which should put me close to 2.5 miles (I hope!)

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday because I only lost 2 pounds this past week, and I really wanted to lose more than that. When I got home last night, I had a surprise that was VERY exciting! I had ordered some stuff off clearance from The Avenue (plus size clothes... one day, I hope I never have to say the word "plus size clothes" again). Since the stuff was on clearance, I ordered several pairs of pants in size 22 and one pair size 20. I figured, at some point, I'll lose enough weight to get into the size 20, and the size 22 should at least be able to zip up right now and should fit soon. I started in a size 24 (January/February). SO, I tried everything on, just for the heck of it. The size 22 pants fit GREAT... ALMOST LOOSE! And the best part.... I could get into and zip up the size 20 pants!!!! WOOOOO! They were still a little too tight for me to wear comfortably, it won't be long! I also got some 18/20 shirts (was wearing 22/24). They were pretty clingy (I don't like my rolls to just blatantly show), but I could wear them if I wasn't so self-conscious! So overall, I was SO surprised and happy! I guess even if I'm only losing a little at a time, my body is changing (probably thanks to the running!)

So that made me feel a lot better! Tonight, is the first party I'm attending since I've started Atkins and my weightloss journey. I'm hoping that they have some foods there that I can eat. If not, my goal is to not over eat (obviously), to not eat any dessert (even if the cake looks AMAZING), and to try to stay on track as much as possible! I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to talk to Paul before hand and remind him that this is important to me. I just don't want him offering me cake, and desserts. So here we go... going to fit in my running today!

Day 3: Crock Pot Day! YAY

I love Wednesdays because I know that I don't have to cook dinner! Of course, I have to prepare it early in the morning, but for some reason, that seems WAY easier to me than trying to do it in the evening when I'm tired and have all the kids up. Wednesdays, after I get home from work and getting the kids, we have about an hour and a half before I have to take Isabella to piano and Children's Church. So I do crock pot meals a lot so that we still have something to eat.

The day went by fast. I still gave in WAY too many times to candy bars.... UGH! If I could just not go in the school kitchen that would help.... but I have to. So, like every other area, I'm going to have to learn... FORCE... moderation and restraint. I made a roast (beef) for dinner with potatoes and carrots. I don't really like carrots.... as in HATE... so I just ate the potatoes and roast beef. I also ate leftover chicken soup from yesterday for lunch so I did really good on those meals.

I, thankfully, stayed under my calorie count (but as mentioned in the post yesterday, I'm not sure the calorie limit is low enough).... but I had too much candy. On the way home from getting Isabella, I needed to stop and get a gallon of milk. I had been pretty stressed out because I had tried to go shopping with Wyatt which was 1) a disaster, and 2) for some reason I thought losing 5lbs would make clothes fit LOL. So, when getting the milk, I also got me a Twix Icecream. RIDICULOUS! That's embarrassing to even admit. So definitely, I have to start working on the candy bars. Hopefully by Friday, I can say that I didn't have a single one all day. That's my goal! I need to pack other snacks to replace them so when I feel hungry I won't turn to stuff like that... and I also need to find other ways to relieve stress, besides eating food!

The only positive for today, was that I weighed before I went to bed, just to see how I was progressing up or down.... and YAY! I've lost 5lbs since MONDAY! WOOT WOOT! That always helps me want to do better.

I didn't work out today. I didn't have time to go to the Rush and my body is EXTREMELY sore from the workout video last night. So I plan to go run tomorrow night for sure!

Here's my breakdown of food for today: 

I'll end with a sweet picture of Wyatt, after he woke up from his nap. I love his sweet precious smiles! 

Day 2: Candy Bars and Extreme Makeover Weightloss DVD

Hello all.... by all, I pretty much mean myself at this point :) I thought yesterday was busy, then today started, and WOW! No comparison. After work today, I had to rush to my Mom's house (she keeps my boys while I'm at work) and nurse Wyatt. Then I had to rush straight to a new school to interview for a Math teaching position for next year. That took an hour longer than I expected, so then I rushed (yes, that is the word of the day) back to my Mom's to pick up my kids and head home. Once I got home, I realized that it was 20 minutes before Paul would be home... and let's face it, he's "STARVING" and expects dinner pretty much immediately as his foot hits the wood floors ;). So I had to RUSH to cook dinner.

I was going to cook chicken casserole, which would have been terrible calories wise, but I didn't have enough time. So instead, I fixed chicken soup. I just threw a lot of things in it, but it actually tasted AMAZING! And the best part is, Paul didn't love it so I have to for lunch the rest of the week. The second best part, it's not very many calories at all!!!!! I had a little "GO KRYSTAL" party after accomplishing everything I did today and making a yummy meal on top of it.

Wyatt is normally VERY fussy during the evening, but tonight he was so tired that he fell asleep at 7:30. YAY! So I decided instead of going to the Rush to run, I would try a workout DVD I have. I didn't want to run because I seem to do better when I take a day or two off. But I was determined to work out. So I set up the tv and DVD player in Wyatt's nursery (he still sleeps in our room). I used the Extreme Makeover Weighloss DVD. 

I really like his personality on the show, so I thought I would probably like the DVD. I also like that he uses some of the people who have lost weight, because 1) I know they used to be overweight and they did it, and 2) some of them are still a little heavy, which is encouraging. Some DVDs I've done in the past, have used such in shape people that it's both intimidating, and the moves they do are impossible. Anyways, there were 3 levels on this DVD. I decided to do level 3, since I've been working out for several weeks. It was HARD, and TIRING! But I completed the ENTIRE workout (about 40 minutes) and didn't cheat on any of it.... well I probably could've done the sit-ups a little higher, but with my large chest and stomach, those are still VERY hard. I loved the work out though, and will try to continue to do it on my off days from running. The best part... Isabella wanted to do it with me, and she did the ENTIRE workout as well! Of course, she can't do all the moves, but she made up her own and we had a great time! She was very into it, and was hilarious to listen to. 

JD even came in and participated sometimes. He liked the squats section and the push-ups. I loved watching him try to do what we were doing.... while eating crackers (of course). That boy is going to turn into a fish cracker before long. 

As far as eating is concerned, I stayed under my calorie count. But I'm really really struggling with candy bars. Here's why... where I work, I sell concessions to our students at lunch. There are an assortment of candy bars that call my name daily. I'm certain that if I stayed under my calorie limit, but did it with things besides candy bars, that I would do WAY better on my weightloss. So that's going to be my goal the next couple of days... .to start cutting back completely on the candy bars. I'm also concerned that my calorie limit is set too high. When I entered in my current weight, height, and what I want to lose, My Fitness Pal calculated how many calories a day I should eat itself, but I think it may be too high. It says I should eat 2,470 a day, which seems way high. I was thinking more between 1,600-1,800. I decided I would give it one week with their numbers and see how much weight I lose, then lower the calorie limit if I need to. Here's my food break down for today.  

Day 1: Only 24 hours in the day...

So I decided today would be the day I picked back up where I left off last year when I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt. I always seem to want to start on a Monday. Sunday night, while nursing at 3AM, I planned in my head what I would fix for breakfast and lunch so that I could prepare it quickly the next morning. The mornings are always a blur because I have to get Isabella up and ready for school.. she is NOT a morning person, then I have to get Wyatt and JD up and ready to go to my Mom's... then I have to take them all to their respective places and get myself to work. WHEW I'm tired just thinking about it. OH, I also downloaded MY FITNESS PAL again. It really helped me last year be able to see exactly how many calories I'm eating. It's amazing how many calories I eat when I don't track what I'm eating. It's a lot easier for me, when I see that I have 500 calories left, or 1,000 calories left to make better decisions.... yes, I try to stretch and use my calories for all their worth (aka EAT AS MUCH FOOD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the calories I'm allotted). The highlight of MY FITNESS PAL is that I get to add 400 calories a day for breastfeeding.. SCORE!

So I tracked all of my food yesterday... every single bite. I even had enough calories for a candy bar!! I ate well enough on all of my meals that I was able to do that. I had a home made strawberry banana smoothie for breakfast.. YUM! I will probably do smoothies most days because they are so easy to make. I also made my lunch for work for the first time in FOREVER! It's so hard for me to prepare ahead of time, when I'm trying to think about everyone else too, but I did it! And it was GOOD tasting, so that makes it all the better. (sorry for the not great picture... I forgot to take one until I was already drinking it in the car).

When I got home from work and picking up the kids, things got crazy. I really needed to do 3 loads of laundry, wash dishes, clean up the house, etc etc CHORES CHORES CHORES... BUT, Isabella came home with 10... TEN!!!... pages of math homework to do .. SHE'S IN KINDERGARTEN PEOPLE!!!! It took us over an hour to get done. And Wyatt, thought he hadn't eaten all day and wanted to nurse every 2 hours, so it was very very busy. We did get in a little play time in between home work and cooking dinner.

I had to let Wyatt cry while I cooked dinner, which made JD on edge. Something about Wyatt crying makes JD extra fussy. I made spaghetti, green beans, and bread. Not the healthiest, but I didn't have much time or hands to cook anything better. I almost burned it all anyways, trying to get Wyatt to sleep and to stop crying. The silver lining, Bella, on her own, wrote this little lovely paper while I was cooking. ADORABLE! I even love the misspelled words :)

Once dinner was over, and everything was cleaned up, I nursed Wyatt AGAIN... that boy is an empty pit.... then Paul agreed to let me go to the Rush to workout. I really didn't think he'd want to keep the kids, because Wyatt was so fussy, but I'm so thankful he did. 

I have 2 goals this year:

1. Run my first 5K (and hopefully run it in under 37 minutes)

2. Lose 100 lbs. 

I had started working out about 3 weeks ago, so I've already been running a little. I'm using the Couch to 5K app on my phone to help me start running. Because it's so cold outside, I've only been able to run on the treadmill. I HATE running on the treadmill. HATE HATE HATE. When I run outside, it seems so much easier, and to take a lot less time. On the treadmill it seems that time... and distance... goes SO SLOW! My Mom went with me tonight, so I was also trying to talk while jogging/walking, and I had just eaten spaghetti, so it didn't go to great. I'm on week 4 of the C25K program. On week 4, you jog 3 min, walk 90 secs, jog 5 mins, walk 2.5 mins, jog 3 mins, walk 90 secs, then jog 5 mins. The most I had jogged before this was 3 minutes, so the 5 minute intervals felt like TORTURE. I was cramping in my side... probably from trying to talk with my Mom and from the spaghetti. So I took the speed slower... probably slower than I should have... but I was SO tired, was having trouble breathing, and again... my side :) I still burned 301 calories... so I count that as a SUCCESS. After the treadmill, I went and ran the stairs they have set up in the building. I did them 6 times and was starting to feel that throw up feeling, so I stopped. I was proud of my workout though, considering the hectic, fast day I had had. I think the fact that I'm 285 lbs and running at all is something to brag about... so BRAG BRAG BRAG!

I also stayed under my calorie limit! YAY! Too many carbohydrates... so I'm going to try to fix that today. I love that this app makes it so easy to see what everything counts as! 

 The best part of the day... when I started yesterday morning, I weighed 285 lbs. I know I'm only supposed to truly weigh in once a week, but I'm slightly obsessed with weighing everyday... several times a day (I'll talk about this on another post). BUT after all of my meals for the day, and my workout, and with WET HAIR (I have very thick hair and wet hair, I'm convinced, adds like 20 lbs to the scale haha)... I was DOWN almost 3 pounds!!!!!!! I took a picture because that was in less than 24 hours! I get it.. water weight, I know. But it was a nice way to end of the night, and a nice boost of confidence and encouragement to continue the journey! (I have tried for 20 min to flip the picture. It's right side up in my file and phone, but it keeps flipping here. You get the idea though).... and let's not even talk about how bad my toes need painting :)

DAY 1 DONE! BOOM!

Interviews and Buying a House

Good Morning everyone! I'm hoping today is a GREAT DAY! I'm so very very anxious/nervous/excited. I have an interview this afternoon for a middle school math teaching position. I'm really anxious to get a job offer so that I know where I'll be teaching next year. I'm not very good with changes, and the unknown. Right now, pretty much in every area of my life, I'm going through changes: new job, selling/buying a house, my daughter starting softball and kindergarten next year, this new weightloss/exercise journey. It's all scary and fun!

Once again, I didn't get to have my kidney ultrasound yesterday. There was insurance problems. I could go on and on about that and how stupid the people at the doctor's office are... but I'm going to refrain. Last night, I had to finish tagging all of my kids clothes for the Consignment Sale (it starts Saturday WOO HOO!)

Tonight, I made this lovely dish for dinner :)

It was very yummy and under 300 calories!!!! Well.. under 500 calories when you add the bread haha. You can find the recipe for it here. I also treated myself to ice cream from Sonic last night. My first ice cream from Sonic since January!!! I saved up enough calories yesterday for it....it was SO worth it! I should've taken a picture!! :)

I didn't work out yesterday, because I was tooooooo sore still.. and I had a lot to do. I probably won't work out tonight, because I have an interview then Isabella has softball tryouts. I do plan to work out tomorrow night! Hopefully my run will be good. 

OK, well I'll have more to update about tomorrow after everything tonight. Have a great day everyone!!!

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry I don't blog on the weekends. I don't take my laptop home (because there's something wrong with the battery and once it dies it's very hard to get it back on...), so I only blog when I'm at work (during my planning period or before school starts). So Monday is always a BIG catch-up day about what I did throughout the weekend. I know I spent a lot of time on my blog last week complaining! I hate that I complained so much, because that's not normally the type of person I am. I was having a TERRIBLE week for so many reasons: very sick, bad eating/exercising week, didn't get the job I wanted, problems with students, etc.

But THIS WEEK, I just know it's going to be a good one! We made an offer on a house last week... one that we BOTH love (which is a big deal because so far, Paul has been VERY difficult). We will find out by Wednesday if the offer was accepted. There are 4 other offers on the table, so who knows what's going to happen. I also have an interview this week, and next week for teaching jobs. OH and Isabella starts softball tomorrow!!!!!! This is her first organized sports activity! I'm excited and I hope she loves it!!!! I think she's excited too ;)

OK, so let's catch up on the weekend. It's hard to remember all the way back to Friday, but I'm going to try. I don't remember eating very healthy Friday. Nope.. I didn't. We had Chinese for dinner... it was SO GOOD, but SO HIGH in sodium. I did stay under my calorie count though, so I'm satisfied with that. I was so glad it was Friday because last week had been so long. I hadn't worked out since Monday and I really wanted to work out Friday.. but I didn't. Tues-Thurs I was still too sick to work out, but Friday... I really had no excuse. I made up for it the rest of the weekend though. I enjoyed Friday evening at home with my kids and Paul.

Bella thought it would be hilarious to put a girl headband  on JD :)

Saturday, Paul was off and the weather was finally starting to clear up (no rain!). I went to Walmart with both kids at 7 AM, because we were all awake, so I figured, let's just get it over with. GREAT TIME TO GO... there was a total of 5 cars there! WOO! Paul went and worked out while we did that. I also went to a consignment sale! I love buying my kids clothes at consignment sales because you can get great clothes and a  GREAT price! That afternoon, Paul let me go running while the kids were napping! I went with the plan to get in 4 miles before it got dark, if possible. That was going to be a huge task because 1) I hadn't ran since Monday, and 2) I've never ran more than 3 miles, and I was EXHAUSTED!

Well, I was able to run 3.40 miles in 41:55. I finished 3 miles right under 38:00 which was 2 minutes faster than the last time I ran 3 miles!!! I was SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!

I also burned 550 calories!!!! I didn't hurt all over too bad... I had blisters on my feet, but other than that, I wasn't too sore... and I was SO PROUD! I still am. That's the longest and fastest I've ever run! When I went home, it was time for dinner, but I wasn't hungry at all, so I had a bowl of cereal and treated myself to some toast with chocolate PB2 (it came in a few days before and I was dying to try it). 

It was SO good... and rich... and sweet tasting... and fulfilling... and I could go on and on :).. AND LOW CALORIE (I almost forgot the best part). 

Sunday after church it was BEAUTIFUL outside!!! In the 60's and sunny! Paul offered to let me run at the Greenway while the kids played at the playground. I wanted to get in a full 3 miles again but it was SO HARD! It's weird how the day before it was so easy. On this run, though, I felt like I couldn't breathe and like my body was falling apart. I couldn't get below a 14 min/mile pace (normally I'm around a 12:20 pace). It was so frustrating. I tried to push myself harder, but I couldn't breathe and everything hurt. I guess it's probably because I ran so hard the day before. I got back to the playground and had .30 miles left to go to get to 3 miles, but I just couldn't do it. The last .40 miles, Isabella ran with me (she saw me coming), so I had to slow down. I was still going SO slow before that though. I'm glad I ran... but I wish it would've been easier! 

Today, I'm SO SORE. I was super sore last night too. My legs are hurting so bad.... and my abs?! I don't know why they're hurting, but they're hurting really bad. One of the blisters on my foot has turned into a blood blister (gross I know). I'm definitely going to have to take off today, and I'll probably be too busy to run tomorrow... but my body probably needs it. Hopefully, I'll be able to run Wednesday and it will go well. I'm really proud of myself this weekend though, on both my eating/calories and running. I'm excited for my weigh-in Thursday!!!!!!

Hope everyone had a good weekend :)

Weekly Weigh-In and Kidney Infections

This has been my WORST WEEK so far as far as running and healthy eating/staying under my calories goes.   :( I had been doing really good with my eating, and staying in my calorie range, but I've been SICK... really sick... and very busy, which means I ate out way more than I should. More on that in a little bit. Since I've had JD, I've had 4 kidney infections, and 3 bladder infections. (all diagnosed by a doctor). It SUCKS. It hurts really bad... both in the bladder area and in the kidney area. When the pain starts, I get panicky because I know what's coming. I know I shouldn't get that way, but I can't help it. It's SO FRUSTRATING. I don't know what's causing them. I thought it was artificial sweetener, but about 3 months ago, I took that out of my diet... and yesterday I just got treated again for a kidney infection that I had been fighting off for 2 weeks. :( It's also not the new eating/working out. These were happening back in September/October, before I started all of this. FINALLY THOUGH... I've had enough infections in a short period of time that they've referred me to a specialist! Tomorrow I have an ultrasound of my kidney to hopefully figure out what's going on. I'm not even that nervous because 1) you can live with only 1 kidney LOL and 2) I'd rather figure out what's wrong then keep getting so sick and having to get REALLY PAINFUL SHOTS. 

So this was my day yesterday.....

Once I finally was able to go to the doctor it was SO MUCH BETTER. They've been treating me enough for these that they know that oral antibiotics just make me throw up (literally). So I got one very large Rocephin shot, and a very painful strong painkiller shot (for the kidney pain). And this (the picture above) was pretty much how I looked afterwards too (so sleepy)... except my makeup wasn't still as pretty haha

ANYWAYS, I ran Thursday, Saturday, and Monday since my last weigh-in. 3 days isn't terrible.. but I didn't get in 3 miles on any of those runs. I really need to start pushing myself to get from mile 2 to mile 3 and just finish it! I did get to run outside 2 of those 3 times, so that was nice. I decided I don't have to push myself to do weights right now... I think running is definitely making my entire body sore. I would have ran last night... Wednesday is normally my easiest time to run, but I was still so sick, sore, and tired. I plan on running tonight... maybe if Paul comes home early I can do it outside and get in the full 3 miles!

OK, so WEEKLY WEIGH-IN!!!! I have actually lost almost 5 pounds since last Thursday!!!!!!! I'm really starting to wonder if my scale isn't accurate?!

 I did check it with my Mom's scale and she says hers is accurate, but I really expected to gain weight this week! The only reason I can think of that I might have lost this much was that for the last 4 days I have drank enough water to drown myself, trying to get rid of this infection... and the last 2 days, my appetite has been down. So maybe I did lose 5 pounds. I was happy to see that number, and see myself getting SO CLOSE to the 240 range.. I just hope the scale's right. I think after work I'm going to go buy a newer/little nicer one, just so that I can have peace of mind. I know I'm losing weight... that's not the question... I just wonder if I'm actually almost in the 240's. I don't know if that makes sense? Either way, this was WAY BETTER than I expected, and you won't find me complaining about any amount of weightloss ;)

That's my happy face for losing weight instead of gaining. It was also 6:40 AM, so I'm still in my morning wake up puffiness. ;) The exciting part about this picture for me though... is I CAN SEE MY COLLAR BONE! So silly... but for me.. so exciting!

One last thing... I've been feeling like one of my biggest temptations in regards to going over my calories (besides every sweet imaginable...), is eating out. I, and my family, eat out WAY too much. 2-3 times a week for dinner, and 2-3 times a week for lunch. Most of the time lunch is Subway, so that's not terrible. But dinner is NEVER GOOD.. mostly MEXICAN! It's always been this way because 1) we're busy and out a lot and 2) I don't really enjoy cooking so when Paul suggests going out I'm like DUH OF COURSE! So.. I think lent has already started... and I'm not Catholic, but I've really been thinking about this, and I've decided I'd like set a lofty LOFTY goal for myself.

My Goals:
1. Work out at least 4 times this week (run 3 miles each time)
2. No eating out (lunch, dinner, Subway) until after Easter.

For #2, I understand that sometimes that's going to be really hard... and I'm not going to impose it on my whole family.... but if I'm with them, and they decide to go out, I'm going to just wait until I get home to eat. I know that no matter what I eat at home, it's not going to have nearly as many calories as what I would eat out. I know you're probably thinking, "Why not just make a healthy/good choice when eating out?" Well... because I can't  don't. I probably could.. and sometimes I say I will, but I never do. And as I'm starting to learn (like with the cookie dough I had to throw away), until I can control the urge/temptation to eat what I used to eat and what I love at restaurants, I just need to not go.

Today has been CRAPPY (and yesterday)

I know that I'm supposed to be talking about my weight loss and stuff, but sometimes I just need to vent. I have not had a very good week. Yesterday, I had an argument with my boss and I'm still very angry about it.  Then right after that, I had to kick a student out of my classroom because he was being SO TERRIBLE. I am not a confrontational person, and by the time I kicked him out, I was shaking, my pulse was racing, and I felt nauseous. I wrote the whole thing up, for the principal (my boss) to see, and guess what happened... a BIG NADA. Not surprising.

I did get to work out last night, but I had to run on the treadmill. It's SO MUCH HARDER than running outside... for me anyways. About 5 minutes in, I was already over it. I forced myself to get 2 miles in.. at 22 minutes. I burned almost 400 calories, so I was happy with that. My legs were super sore when I was done though. I think they should be more sore when I run outside, instead of inside, but it's the exact opposite for me.

JD woke up so many times last night.. I lost count. He's been sleeping through the night, so there had to be something wrong. I gave in and nursed him 2 of the times, but it made me so tired today. I'm glad I showered last night so that I could sleep a few more minutes today.

This was during his 3AM feeding. It's frustrating, but I know I'll miss it one day. 

Anyways, our driveway is not paved (among a list of about 1,000 I don't like about our house). This morning, it had been raining all night so it was gross out. While carrying JD out, I slipped in a mud puddle, and got mud all over me. So I had to put him in the car, go back in, clean up, and start to leave again, which made me late. So I couldn't nurse him and had to let him have a bottle. That was not the way I wanted to start my day.

I'm still waiting for a job I interviewed at to call me back. It's KILLING ME! I just want to know if I got the teaching position. It's a really great chance for me and I want it SO BAD! Every day it takes longer, I start feeling more and more like I'm not going to get it. :( I'm so anxious about that phone call.

We've found 2 houses that we really like (we are going through a lot of changes right now, one being trying to move). One I was SUPER EXCITED about.. just to find out that an offer had been made on both within the past 2 days. And I think the more this happens, the more Paul convinces himself that we actually have a great house (we don't) and that we really shouldn't move (we should). He has said that.. more than once.

Which leads me to Valentine's Day. I haven't gotten anything for Paul, and I don't really have the desire to. He hasn't gotten anything for me either (he never does until on his way home from work the night of Valentine's Day). The love is not really flowing right now between us. I know you go through highs and lows in a relationship, and we are definitely in a slump. I'm just tired of always being the one to move out of the slump. He's a wonderful man, and has been a wonderful father, and I know if nothing else, I can always love him for that. I just wish there was a spark, some romance, affection, or just plain attention that he could give to me... not just to the kids.

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OK I'm done venting. I stayed under my calorie count yesterday by about 10 calories haha. And that was only because I ran. If I hadn't of ran, I wouldn't have because we went to Mexican last night! MY FAVORITE! and it's SO FATTENING ... what I eat especially. But I stayed within my calories, so I'm good.

I hope the rain stops because Paul is going to keep JD tonight, so if it's not raining, I'm going to run in my Mom's neighborhood while Isabella is at children's church. I'm going to shoot for 3 miles again. If it's raining, I'll have to go to the gym... and I doubt I'll make it to 3 miles. Just being realistic.

I'm excited to weigh in tomorrow and see how much I've lost. I sure hope I've lost something. It would be SUPER AWESOME if I'm out of the 260's and into the 250's, but that would mean 5 or more pounds so we will see.

The other big thing, is I've made my first "healthy" online order... if that makes sense. I have ordered PB2. It is powdered peanut butter. I got the regular peanut butter and the chocolate peanut butter. I've done a lot of research on it and read a lot of reviews. Everyone says it tastes better than regular peanut butter and is so good. It's also 45 calories a serving instead of the almost 200 calories regular peanut butter has. There are a lot of recipes for it to. If you just add water, you can make it whatever consistency you want (for spreads on bread, etc), or you can add the powder to things like smoothies, oatmeal, fruit dips, desserts, etc. It gives you a lot of protein with very little fat/calories. I'm excited to try it. I will post about it once it comes in and let you know what I think .

HAVE TO WORKOUT TODAY!!!!!!!!

So when I started this weight loss journey at the beginning of January, I was working out everyday for an hour. Literally, EVERY DAY. The last 2 weeks, I've been lucky to workout 4 out of 7 days. It gets in my head, because I know I'd be losing weight faster if I worked out everyday. But this morning, I realized that it's not just because I'm being lazy! It's because at the beginning of January, I was off for Christmas break (I'm a teacher). Now that I'm back at work, some days it's just nearly impossible... between work, my kids, and other obligations. So I'm going to shoot for a goal of 4-5 days of week. Paul and I both agree that working out on Saturdays/Sundays is a no brainer because even if the kids aren't behaving, we can take turns. So I just need to focus on getting in 2-3 more days. Wednesdays are good for me too, so really it's 2 more days... when I break it down like that, it sounds a lot easier!

I've stayed on my calorie count since Friday!!!!!! Staying between 1600 and 1800 calories!!!! I even ate one of my favorites last night! CHICKEN CASSEROLE!!!!! MMMMMM. One serving of it was 320 calories, but it was worth every single calories. I only had 2 bites of brown rice, and piled up on the broccoli, so overall it wasn't that bad of a dinner. I have been feeling like I don't have time for both my kids. I feel like I'm either dealing with JD and neglecting Isabella, or playing with Isabella and neglecting JD. In about 2 years, it won't be nearly as bad because they'll both be old enough to at least semi do the same activities. Anyways, I was feeling bad about it yesterday, so I let Isabella help me make the chicken casserole (it's her favorite meal). She did great and I'm so glad I included her!!

Paul went on and on about it tonight, how it was better than normal. She was very proud to tell him that she made most of it so that's why it tasted so much better ;) It was good. Sometimes I don't put enough salt and pepper in it, but this time, I think I did! 

This morning, my Mom told me she could tell that I'm losing weight! It's the first person that's acknowledged it! I can tell too! The sweater that I'm wearing today felt a lot looser! Also, this morning, I did something different for breakfast. I had been eating a candy bar, or granola bar, or something on the go that was semi-low in calories but not good or sustaining at all. Today, I went to subway right by my house on the way to work and picked up a "Mini Black Forest Ham, Egg White, and Cheese Flatbread" It was SO GOOD and only 180 calories!!! I know I can't do that everyday because I don't want to spend the money ($2.25)... but I'm glad I did it this morning. It showed me that it was less calories than what I had been eating, and I haven't felt nearly as hungry the hour before lunch! So I just need to come up with my own version to make ahead and freeze. Then I could bring it to school, and warm it up for breakfast. I'm going to try to do that sometime this week. 

Tonight, I have no idea what I'm cooking for dinner. I forgot to set out meat, and I forget to look at the menu. I have something planned but I don't know what. It helps when I know so that I can save however many calories I need for the meal. 

Today, I'm going to more than likely have to work out at the Rush... which I dread because the treadmill is SO MUCH harder than running outside. My goal is to do another full 3 miles on the treadmill. The most I've done is a mile and a half. So, that's my goal tonight. It should take about 43-45 minutes, and then I'll do arms/chest on the weights. I hope my kids behave for the hour it will take. 

I made banana pudding Sunday and it's SO YUMMY!!!! I don't think it's that terribly bad because I used sugar free everything.. but my other goal is to not have any of that today. Not even a lick! :) I'm excited for my weigh-in Wednesday. Wouldn't it be cool if I could lose 6 pounds and be under 260lbs?! My goal is to lose... but 6lbs would be AWESOME!.