HAVE TO WORKOUT TODAY!!!!!!!!

So when I started this weight loss journey at the beginning of January, I was working out everyday for an hour. Literally, EVERY DAY. The last 2 weeks, I've been lucky to workout 4 out of 7 days. It gets in my head, because I know I'd be losing weight faster if I worked out everyday. But this morning, I realized that it's not just because I'm being lazy! It's because at the beginning of January, I was off for Christmas break (I'm a teacher). Now that I'm back at work, some days it's just nearly impossible... between work, my kids, and other obligations. So I'm going to shoot for a goal of 4-5 days of week. Paul and I both agree that working out on Saturdays/Sundays is a no brainer because even if the kids aren't behaving, we can take turns. So I just need to focus on getting in 2-3 more days. Wednesdays are good for me too, so really it's 2 more days... when I break it down like that, it sounds a lot easier!

I've stayed on my calorie count since Friday!!!!!! Staying between 1600 and 1800 calories!!!! I even ate one of my favorites last night! CHICKEN CASSEROLE!!!!! MMMMMM. One serving of it was 320 calories, but it was worth every single calories. I only had 2 bites of brown rice, and piled up on the broccoli, so overall it wasn't that bad of a dinner. I have been feeling like I don't have time for both my kids. I feel like I'm either dealing with JD and neglecting Isabella, or playing with Isabella and neglecting JD. In about 2 years, it won't be nearly as bad because they'll both be old enough to at least semi do the same activities. Anyways, I was feeling bad about it yesterday, so I let Isabella help me make the chicken casserole (it's her favorite meal). She did great and I'm so glad I included her!!

Paul went on and on about it tonight, how it was better than normal. She was very proud to tell him that she made most of it so that's why it tasted so much better ;) It was good. Sometimes I don't put enough salt and pepper in it, but this time, I think I did! 

This morning, my Mom told me she could tell that I'm losing weight! It's the first person that's acknowledged it! I can tell too! The sweater that I'm wearing today felt a lot looser! Also, this morning, I did something different for breakfast. I had been eating a candy bar, or granola bar, or something on the go that was semi-low in calories but not good or sustaining at all. Today, I went to subway right by my house on the way to work and picked up a "Mini Black Forest Ham, Egg White, and Cheese Flatbread" It was SO GOOD and only 180 calories!!! I know I can't do that everyday because I don't want to spend the money ($2.25)... but I'm glad I did it this morning. It showed me that it was less calories than what I had been eating, and I haven't felt nearly as hungry the hour before lunch! So I just need to come up with my own version to make ahead and freeze. Then I could bring it to school, and warm it up for breakfast. I'm going to try to do that sometime this week. 

Tonight, I have no idea what I'm cooking for dinner. I forgot to set out meat, and I forget to look at the menu. I have something planned but I don't know what. It helps when I know so that I can save however many calories I need for the meal. 

Today, I'm going to more than likely have to work out at the Rush... which I dread because the treadmill is SO MUCH harder than running outside. My goal is to do another full 3 miles on the treadmill. The most I've done is a mile and a half. So, that's my goal tonight. It should take about 43-45 minutes, and then I'll do arms/chest on the weights. I hope my kids behave for the hour it will take. 

I made banana pudding Sunday and it's SO YUMMY!!!! I don't think it's that terribly bad because I used sugar free everything.. but my other goal is to not have any of that today. Not even a lick! :) I'm excited for my weigh-in Wednesday. Wouldn't it be cool if I could lose 6 pounds and be under 260lbs?! My goal is to lose... but 6lbs would be AWESOME!. 

I RAN 3 MILES!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, this post deserves all caps!!)

I'm writing on my iPhone, so Monday or tomorrow when I'm in front of a computer, I will definitely write more. I just didn't want to forget this feeling.

For the first time ever in my life, ran 3 miles!!!! And I did it in 39:40!!! My goal was to do it in under 40 min and I actually felt like that might be an unattainable goal... But I DID IT!!!! At most, I've ran a little over 2 miles and that was Sunday! I'm so proud of myself!

This is me after the run. I was TIRED :)

Paul suggested I try it today. He dropped me off at the Greenway and took the kids to the other end where the playground is. It's 3 miles... With HILLS TOO! I don't think he expected me to be able to do it. About a mile and a half in, I didn't expect me to finish it. But I did!!! When I got there , he said, "you should be really proud of yourself." And I stopped and took it in and I was really proud of myself... I even flat tears coming on but I choked them back because I knew Paul would definitely make fun of me.

So taking inventory of my pain (hahaha) y feet hurt REALLY bad... Not all over, just certain parts. The worst part is my right big toe... No clue why. I can already tell my knees are going to be creaking tomorrow. And I'm 99.999% certain I will get lower leg cramps tonight. But... My legs are supporting 260 something pounds right now. I can only imagine how much easier that will be when I'm half this size!!!

Tonight, I feel confident. Confident that I can lose weight. Confident that I can meet my goal of being a size 14/16 by June. And confident that I can become a runner.

Overcoming Binge Eating

So, I've been reading a lot about binge eating... thanks to some very informative posts over at Runs for Cookies . She says that it is an actual eating disorder and talks a lot about her struggle with binge eating. I don't know that I have the disorder, but a lot of things she's written in her journal about binge eating have really hit very close to home.

She talked about how it's not just over eating, but it's letting food control every thought you have. I definitely struggle with that. Since I've been making changes in my life, both with better eating and exercise, it has been getting better. I think part of the problem is that if I don't allow myself foods that I like (namely, sweets), I will binge on them, whenever given the opportunity. We have gotten rid of those sorts of things in the house for that very reason, but it is still a struggle when I'm anywhere else. I will talk more about that in a second.

Another struggle I am trying to overcome is trying to hide my eating, or sneak food. It's like I don't want anyone to see me eat something that could be perceived as unhealthy or fattening, so I try to hide it. I don't want to do that, because that also sends me down the road of eating too much of the same stuff. I don't know if that makes sense? If I can get over my fear of what other people think, and just eat a normal portion of whatever, even if it's cake... that's much better than waiting until I'm alone, and eating 3 normal portions of the same cake (which is what I would used to do).

Thinking about habits I've had in the past about makes me sick and makes me want to cry. My entire day would be planned around food. When I was eating lunch, I would be planning in my head what kind of dessert I would eat or what I would pick up on the way home from lunch. I would literally get excited for my kids to take naps so that I could watch tv and gorge myself on something sweet. I know... that's really pathetic, but it's true. I decided at the beginning of this, that when my kids are asleep, or when I'm alone, I'm not eating... if at all possible. Obviously, sometimes it's meal time and I have to eat. But when the kids are napping is never an eating time, and until I can feel like I have control of that, it's just a NO ZONE.

Back to the binge-eating and the struggle when I'm places where I can't control what's in front of me. I went to my Mom's house yesterday to pick up my kids. JD was still asleep, and Bella was watching a movie. Mom had gone to pick up Brook so I was all alone. When I first came in, I immediately noticed there was food in the microwave. Food in the microwave is ALWAYS some sort of dessert. Even though I'm overcoming temptations, my brain has been trained when I walk in her house to immediately look at the microwave for desserts, so that's what I did. Anyways, I opened it to see if was chocolate iced eclairs! And they looked GOOD! I closed the microwave and walked away, desperately wanting one. I took a bath to try to get it out of my mind. I wasn't even hungry when I got to her house, but now I thought I was FAMISHED and the only thing that would satisfy that was 5 or 6 chocolate eclairs. So I thought and thought about it. Finally, I decided... instead of torturing myself, and more than likely binge eating when I got home because of it (I was already thinking about what I would replace those missed eclairs with when I got home)... I decided I would have one. But ONLY ONE. Normally, I'd have 3 in the 30 minutes I was there. And I put it in my phone and looked at how many calories it would cost me before I had one. I accounted for it on my calorie count, and knew that it meant I would have to eat lighter at dinner. So I opened the microwave, cut one in half and started with just that. I enjoyed every single bite. The icing was so good, the eclair filling was better than normal. There were 9 and a 1/2 more staring at me. I closed the microwave and sat down. I still didn't feel satisfied, so I opened it up and took one more bite, leaving about a quarter of the eclair left. And I felt satisfied. AND I STOPPED. I didn't even eat a whole one. I ate until I was satisfied and then I stopped. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, because that's the first time in a long time that I've faced a temptation like that, had enough that my stomach/mind felt satisfied, and then stopped. I changed the calorie count on my app, because like I said, I didn't eat the whole thing. This probably seems silly, and tiny to you... but for me.. it was a BIG MOMENT. A moment where I was in control, not my addiction to food/sweets. A moment where I was able to eat something I love, without it costing me all of my calories, or without binge eating it.

And... TA-DA.. I stayed within my calorie range yesterday! I don't feel bloated today. I feel GREAT! I worked out last night and had a good workout over all. I need to work a little more on my endurance in running (time/distance), but it'll get there.

Where I get all of my inspiration/information

I wanted to take a second and give praise where praise is due. I saw the following website through Pinterest, and it's the reason I decided to finally change my life and start getting healthy. Seriously, this is the only site I've been to. It's actually a blog. I feel like she says the exact things I feel, and I find so much motivation on her site. No joke. She has great advice for running... really just great advice for everything. She has lost a ridiculous crazy amount of weight, and did it/is doing it the same way I'm doing it (calorie counting/running). I don't know her personally, but I'm addicted to reading her posts, her question/answer sections, and all the encouraging things she says. OK, I sound kind of stalkerish, but really, when I have free time, that's what I'm reading. And she has great recipes! OK I'm done going on and on and on. Here's her blog:

Runs For Cookies

20 pounds since January 1 and wearing a smaller clothes size today!!!!! :)

I hit the 20 pound mark this morning on my weekly weigh-in!!! I've lost a total of 55 pounds so far, but since I really started trying to lose weight, I've lost 20 pounds in a month and a week!!!!! I'm really happy with that! I know it probably won't be that fast every month, but I'm really hoping I can lose 55 more pounds by June so that I'm 200 pounds or under by the time of the cruise. I really don't remember the last time I was under 200 pounds. It would have probably been before high school. WOW!

Anyways, yesterday was a really good eating day! I stuck to my plan for what I was going to eat, and was under my calorie count by about 100 calories!!!! Also, I did get to kind of work out last night! I went jogging around my Mom's neighborhood. The first time around the circle, I had JD in a jogging stroller. That's the first time I've ever done that. He was SCREAMING, really SCREAMING the whole time. So I actually ran pretty fast for me. I was paced for a 9:02/mile. Normally I pace 15:00 mile. I was hurrying because JD was crying and it was a little colder than I expected. When I finished the first circle .64 miles, my Mom was inside and heard JD crying so she thankfully offered to keep him while I finished my jog. Unfortunately, I had ran so fast (I know it's not actually that fast, but for me it was very fast)... anyways, unfortunately, I had ran so fast the first circle that I was very winded, and cramping in my side. So the second time around, without JD, was a lot slower... and let's face it... pretty much torture. I struggled to keep a normal pace... I struggled to want to run at all. I paced a 14:00 mile that time around. Overall, I ended up jogging/running a total of 1.56 miles in about 20 minutes. So it's better than nothing I guess. 

So back to my weight loss. I was so excited about my weight loss this morning! After my first excited thoughts, though, my second thought was, "I bet my scale's not working." And sometimes, I really do think my scale isn't accurate, because 1) it's cheap, and 2) it's cheap... and the batteries have been in it a long time. Today, I'd really like to go buy a new scale just to make sure I'm not psyching myself. ALSO, I'm wearing a size 18/20 shirt today, and I think it fits well!!!! I know sometimes people put themselves into smaller sizes, just to say their in a smaller size, even though it's so tight it looks like the person can't breathe. I feel like it fits nice though, and have gotten some compliments on it. Ideally, I'd like to be a 14/16 by June for the cruise. I'm not sure I even know what that size looks/feels like. I don't remember any point in my life when I was that size. Sad. 

ANYWAYS, today, I'm going back to The Rush to get in a good workout. I hope my kids behave. It's always frustrating when I'm right in the middle of my workout, and get paged to the child care part because JD is crying. I know he can't help it, he's only a baby. Since I ran last night, I think I will do an elliptical workout since my legs are a little sore. I do the weight loss interval workout... it's 30 minutes, and I burn almost 400 calories. And then I'm going to try to spend 20 minutes on the weights doing arms, shoulders, and abs. 

Oh, one more pat on my back today! I've only had 2 diet cokes since Sunday!!! That's a BIG BIG change for me! 

I'm going to try to add a picture of me today, since I'm 20 pounds down, and wearing a new size. I'm going to put it on the photos page, so head over there and check it out. :)

I haven't worked out in 2 days... I hope tonight isn't terrible

So I haven't worked out since Sunday (today is Wednesday). It wasn't because I was just being lazy. I had obligations literally from 7:30 AM until about 10:00 PM, not to mention taking care of my kids. I hate that I didn't get to work out because I had a really REALLY good run Sunday. Tonight, I'm definitely going to work out. But Paul works late, so I'll have to take JD to the rush with me, while Isabella is at church. Sometimes, when it's later in the evening, JD doesn't do great in the child care and they page me before I'm done working out. I really hope that doesn't happen tonight.

I haven't eaten really good foods the last couple of days... a lot of eating out/fast food. But I have stayed under or right at my daily calorie goal, so I'm ok with that. The rest of this week isn't going to be busy, so I should have time to work out every night, and will be able to cook at home, which makes staying in my calorie range SO MUCH EASIER.

I really want to be at 250 by the end of this month. That's about 20 pounds, so I'm not sure it's possible. My bigger goal is to be 200 pounds or under 200 pounds by the time of our big family cruise (my FIRST CRUISE!!!!!). That's in June, so I have 5 more months and 60 pounds... which I do this is totally possible. I still need to find a 5K to register to jog in... the problem with that is that I haven't ran a full 5K yet.. I'm almost to 2 miles, but I still have a bit to go. Like I mentioned earlier, I do think that running outside helps me both go faster and longer. The weather is starting to get nice, but it's hard to find a time during the week where I can run when there's still daylight because Paul gets home from work after it's dark. So I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with the fact that for the most part, I'm going to have to push myself on the treadmill.

I can't wait to feel skinny. I can't wait to fit into normal size clothes, and to not always feel like people are judging me because of my weight. I'm so excited for those feelings, and I'm so excited that I know within a year to 2 years, I will be there!!!!!

MONDAY!!!!

Well I made it through the weekend, and didn't do too terrible at all with my eating. In fact, I think I stayed under my calorie goal both Saturday and Sunday! I had a birthday party and a Super Bowl party to go to, but I did it!!!! Yesterday, it was FINALLY SUNNY for the first time in like 5 years! It was cold and windy, but I didn't care. I decided I was going to jog outside, because I was convinced that I would do better jogging outside, than on the treadmill. I hate the dumb treadmill. I hate that 5 minutes in, it feels like it's been hours, and it's so boring, and it's SO HARD to feel like you're accomplishing anything because you're running in place! OK enough ranting!

So I jogged outside. I only had about an hour between getting my kids down for a nap, and having to take chili to the Super Bowl party so I knew it wouldn't be a very long one. I used the app Run Keeper, which tracked where I was running through GPS. This app doesn't work on a treadmill BOOOO. I really like it because it updates me in my headphones every 5 minutes and tells me how long I've been jogging, how far I've gone, and what my pace is.

SO BIG BREAKTHROUGH YESTERDAY!!!!! I ran 1.92 miles (I only stopped because I had gotten back to my car and I needed to hurry home.. but I really feel like I could've gone more). I did that in 23 minutes. AND MY PACE!!!!! for the majority of the time it was 11.32 minutes/mile.. but it ended up being a 12 minute mile. But the point is, on the treadmill, my fastest had been a 15 minute mile!!!! So I cut down 3 WHOLE MINUTES! I also burned close to 400 calories. SO YAY GREAT RUN! I was sore all night, I'm not going to lie. And when I was laying in bed my legs were throbbing. But it doesn't hurt today and I have such a feeling of accomplishment!!!!!!!!

Ok I'd like to post more, but I have to go. I have basketball games I have to work tonight and I need to go shopping today because I have a big job interview tomorrow!!!!!!!!