I don't even want to talk about it...

I don't even want to talk about the weekend, because I said I wouldn't lose control through the holiday.... but I, unfortunately lost control. Obviously, in losing control, I did not meet my goal of weighing 260lbs by Sunday! I gained 1 lb!!! UGH! Actually... I'm shocked that it wasn't more like 10-15 lbs... that's how much I ate, and how gross it felt to eat that much. This isn't going to be a totally negative post because there were some great moments from this weekend. So I'll try to get through it all as quickly as possible.

First, and almost MOST important... I can cross another goal of my list that I successfully completed! This is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I TOLD MY HUSBAND HOW MUCH I WEIGHED! If you don't fully understand why this is exciting/important, you can read about this issue HERE . But I talked to him about my fears of him knowing, and about how crazy I've been trying to hide/cover it up over the years, and that I just want to be free to let that fear go and trust that he'll love me. So I told him. He didn't say he was shocked that it was that high, or low, or that I looked about that weight. He said it was amazing that in 5 months I've gone from 320 to 270 and that he is SO proud of me. He also said that I need to make sure I'm not doing this for him, but for me... which I think I am. He also told me he loved me no matter what size I am.... while that's still hard for me to believe, I'm trying to tell myself that daily.

SO that was great to check that off the goal list! Another exciting thing... I wore a dress for Easter that I haven't been able to fit into since before I had JD (that's almost 4 years ago!). YES, I wore spanx with it ;) but that was mostly because I just wanted to make sure nothing was "falling out." :) The dress was a size 22W, which is what I wear, but it is pretty fitted and straight cut! I was so excited! I was nervous getting ready to put it on Sunday, because I wasn't sure it would fit and hadn't thought about the possibility of it not fitting and what I would wear if it didn't.

I didn't run any this weekend. I just didn't have time. My grandfather (Mom's Dad) is about to pass away, so she was up there almost the entire weekend taking care of him. Paul had to work Saturday, so I had the kids for the Easter Egg Hunt and all the preparations for Sunday. Sunday, we normally do a huge family dinner, but my Mom normally does it at her house. Since she's been so overwhelmed... I volunteered to do it. So I had TONS of cleaning and cooking to do Saturday and Sunday. We had a great time with our family, but I just couldn't/ didn't control my eating.

 I don't want to focus on it too long, because I want to dust myself off and get started again. The kids and I baked cookies (which I ate tons of), and a cake (which I ate and licked tons of). There's really no way to sugar coat it. I ate crap from Friday-Sunday, with ZERO self control. I feel embarrassed, disappointed, and ashamed, but again... just going to start fresh today. I just want to be able to control those urges and to overcome the temptation to always eat and always eat SO much!




So tonight... I'm going back to eating my healthy, "diet" food for lack of  a better word. I had been trying to eat smaller portions of whatever I cook the family.. but that's not working. The portions keep getting bigger and bigger. And also, time for running again :)

Fears/Insecurities from my weight

I was reading another blog this morning, and stumbled across a picture of her and her husband wearing what looked like zipline harnesses. Just seeing that picture, made me start thinking about all of the fears and insecurities I have because of my weight, that I am SO excited to be done with FOREVER. I wanted to write about some of the crazy insecurities and fears I have, so that 1) when I look back, I'll remember how ridiculous they were and 2) so I can set some goals in regards to these fears and hopefully start living life to the fullest as I continue this weight loss journey.

1. Fear of Roller coasters - I've always said I was scared of roller coasters, or any type of thrill ride that does the slow up hill then CRASHING down movement. I've used that as my excuse for years as to why I don't ride roller coasters or thrill rides. While I am scared of the slow up/crash down movement, after a lot of hard thinking and really looking at it, I realize this isn't the full truth. I've ridden a few roller coasters, thanks to my husband, and have loved them. What I remember from the experience, though, was the extreme, I mean extreme panicky feeling I get when standing in line... worrying about 2 things... "Will I be the fattest person on this ride?" and "Will the harnesses fit over me?" Crazy huh?! But the fear is paralyzing. I've never told anyone that, not even my husband. I realize that that is the majority of the reasons why I won't get on those rides... because I'm scared I won't fit and will be humiliated. I know I'm not overweight to the point that I shouldn't fit, but I also have huge boobs, and more importantly, a LOUD mind that makes these insecurities SO real that I can't enjoy things I should be enjoying. SO, I'm excited to be a size where that would be impossible to be a fear. Where I would know, for certain, that I will not be too fat for a roller coaster. I'm not sure what kind of goal I'm going to set in regards to this, but I'm going to come up with something to celebrate overcoming this obstacle.

2. Zip lining/Fear of being weighed publicly - We have several zip lining courses through the mountains in my area, and it looks like SO much fun! There's also lots of coupons for them. ALSO, they allow anyone over 6 to go, which means Isabella could go. The problem... you have to be weighed, before you go, to have the harnesses attached correctly. The weight limit is usually no more than 280lbs, so I actually could do this already. But the thought of probably very athletic guys/girls weighing me, and seeing that I weigh almost 270lbs makes my heart pound. It won't happen. The thought of my husband being there, even more humiliating (I'll talk about this more later). I think it would be SO FUN to do this, and something Isabella and I could do together... but once again... my weight is holding me back. Well not really my weight... but my insecurity about my weight and the idea that I'm so embarrassingly fat. I don't want to have to even think about stuff like this. I want to be able to take my kids to do stuff without the fear of being too big, or someone weighing me and it humiliating me. My logical side.... I know that these people that run these zip lines, have probably seen all sorts of sizes of people, and don't know me, and probably wouldn't give me another thought once I'm gone.. but logic doesn't work when it comes to weight and body image. It just doesn't... for me anyways.

3. White Water Rafting - We are very close to the Ocoee River, which is an awesome white water rafting place. Besides the obvious being in a swimsuit issue, there's another major fear I have of doing this: "What if I fell out of the raft (which at some point, almost everyone does), and I couldn't pull myself back in.... and the guide wasn't strong enough to pull my beached whale ;) self back in?" The beached whale part is a joke... but really... I don't have enough arm strength to pull my water logged self back in... what if I EXHAUSTED myself and the guide trying to get back into the raft. I would be SO embarrassed. Also... what if the life jacket doesn't fit? I could imagine the guy getting the biggest one, trying to tie it around my large boobs/stomach, and then yelling to the other worker, "Do we have anything larger, I can't secure these straps!" I realize all of these fears center around me being embarrassed or humiliated... which are feelings... feelings I should be able to control... but I can't. I want to. I hope to one day... but so far... it hasn't happened.

4. Telling my husband how much I weigh - This one is ridiculous. I know it as I say it. The lengths I've gone to keep my weight a secret from my husband is exhausting, embarrassing, and almost hysterical. Before I got married, I cut out every single tag on every single piece of clothing so that my husband wouldn't see what size I was. I doubt he'd know what the sizes mean (especially in pants) even if he saw it. I now realize, he has never, would never, and could care less about taking the time to pull clothes out of my closet and look at the tag to see what size they are! All that effort, all that worry... such a waste of time... but so real to me. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh. Part of it is because he weighs 215 lbs! I weigh 265 lbs! What wife would want to admit she weighs that much more than her husband!?! NOT ME! I feel like, once I'm under 200lbs, I could say it. I could tell him. Not that he asks or pesters me about it... but I think about it... a lot. This has been such a controlling factor in my life, that I've missed out on a lot of good memories with my husband. I would never let him come to the first portion of the doctor visits for both of our babies, because I was scared the doctor would say something about my weight, or say how much I weigh, and Paul would hear it. I would come up with all of these excuses why he couldn't come to the visit or had to wait outside for the first portion. One time during the pregnancy, I got put in the hospital and Paul was with me. The nurse came in to ask the beginning questions... one of which I knew was going to be "how much do you weigh?" and I literally had a full blown panic attack. Paul had to leave the room. He got pretty irritated, and told me then that 1) he doesn't care what I weigh and 2) I needed to get over these irrational fears. I'm trying. I'm not there yet, because I still haven't told him what I weigh. Sometimes, I imagine myself telling him... how freeing it would be to just get it out there and never have to worry about covering it up again. I know this sounds like we have a terrible relationship... like I can't talk to him about things... but it's not his fault. He loves me. I know he loves me and wouldn't care what the number is. He's never made me feel bad about my weight/fat/size/looks. It's a personal thing that is causing the problem... not a relationship thing... I'm definitely going to set a goal so that I can check it off my list, and hopefully start making steps towards overcoming this fear. This one actually makes me emotional, even as I write it. And as I type this, I'm feeling the strong urge to text him right now and say "I weigh 265lbs." I almost just talked myself into it... then felt my heart start racing, my breathing getting uneasy, and everything feeling like it's closing in on me... No joke. I know, this sounds so weird.

OK so those are the things right now that my weight control. My weight did control my fear of doing active things (running, running a 5k)... but I dove head first into that, overcame the fears, and feel so proud/relieved. That's what I'm hoping is going to happen with the rest of these. So now, I'm going to head over to my goals page, and add a couple of goals in regards to overcoming these fears/insecurities! You can see the goals HERE

Probably the coldest run I've done...

I still don't understand why on the day of the 5k, it was 85 degrees... when the whole week before it was in the 50's, and today, it's in the 30's?! I had gotten used to the cool weather when running, so the fact that the sun was beating down on me and I was sweating gallons of water, made running a whole different experience. Yes, I'm still talking about the 5k Sunday, because YES, I'm still super excited about how fun it was and how proud I am!

So yesterday, as usual was very busy. I did stay on my calorie limit all day, and even though I was tired, once I nursed Wyatt, and fed the rest of the family, I asked Paul if I could go for a quick run. I had taken off Monday, so I didn't want to take off another day, because Wednesdays are typically completely full and I doubt I'll be able to ever run on a Wednesday. Thankfully, Paul let me, so I headed to the park at 7:30. It was 42 degrees, very windy, and almost dark. The cold was hard on my breathing, but it was nice to not be burning up or sweaty. Maybe the weather could be in the 60's sometime soon... I think that would be the perfect temperature to run. I only got in 2.5 miles, because I knew it was getting close to bed time for the kids, and I knew Paul would need help getting them all to bed. My legs were also really sore. All night actually... they throbbed in bed... all the way from my ankles to my upper thighs. I don't know if it's from Sunday, because the park last night was very flat. It made it really hard to sleep though. I  hope that that doesn't continue, because it would be hard not to get discouraged from the pain at night.

Normally, I weigh today, but I want to wait until Sunday to see if I meet my next goal - weigh 260lbs at Easter. I'm really starting to see a change in my body shape and in the way clothes are fitting, and it makes me VERY excited! I know that it's just daily, hourly even, decisions that will make these changes permanent and that will make me successful on this journey!

I wanted to finish with the pictures Isabella got yesterday from her school. Her Kindergarten pictures! I can't believe she is almost done with Kindergarten!!! It kills me how fast time is flying!!!! UGH! Isn't she just the cutest!!!

Less than a week to next goal/ running stats make me smile

So I completed my first goal of running a 5k this past Sunday! You can read about that in my post from yesterday. This upcoming Sunday, Easter, is my next goal. I really hope I can mark it off the list. Last time I weighed, I have about 9lbs to lose, which I know is a lot this week, but I'm hopeful. It helps motivate me to stay on track, not cheat, and work out. I didn't run yesterday, but I hadn't planned to. I was pretty sore from the mostly uphill 5k Sunday, and I had a doctors appointment that left me with a lot of pain throughout the evening. I'm feeling better today, and plan to figure out a way to work in a run/work out tonight. It's raining right now, but hopefully it will clear up.

I think it's totally hilarious how the weather has been . During most of my training for the 5k, the temperature was around 50-55 degrees, with a nice breeze, and some clouds. Sunday, the temperature was 85 (the hottest it's been since October), no clouds, and zero breeze. TODAY, 2 days later, it's 45 degrees and raining. HAHAHAHA... I think nature (and God) had a good laugh at my suffering from the heat Sunday. Or maybe it was just a way to show me that I CAN do anything I set my mind to :)

Something else I'm proud about... in March, I ran a total of 19 miles throughout the month of March. We are halfway into April, and I've already passed that mark! I'd love to be somewhere near the 30-35 mile mark by the end of this month, which should be totally doable for sure. I'm still coming off the "high" from the 5k Sunday and feeling so good about things. Yesterday, I didn't really stick to my diet.... and I binged twice during the evening on candy. It was totally emotionally based, after having a huge fight with my husband, but I'm trying to teach myself that being upset is NO reason to eat and stuff my face with candy, chocolate, or whatever the temptation is at the time. I'm learning that I am going to have to find a new way to cope with stress, pains, worries, fights... aka EMOTIONS :) I'm hoping that as I continue, running will be that coping mechanism that will work to fight off the urge to binge eat.

OK so the best part of today.... I'm capitalizing this entire next part because I feel like screaming it from sheer excitement... KATIE AT RUNS FOR COOKIES NOT ONLY REPLIED PERSONALLY TO MY EMAIL OF QUESTIONS A FEW WEEKS AGO, BUT USED MY POST ABOUT MY 5K ON HER MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY BLOG POST!!!!! If you don't know who, or what I'm talking about...  her name is Katie, and well in my mind, she's a celebrity haha. Her blog was the main reason I started losing weight, blogging, and running. Seriously, though. I ran across her page through pinterest, of all places, about 2 years ago, and I've been addicted to absorbing everything she writes about ever since. The fact that she has time to respond to the zillions of questions I sent her about the 5k was AWESOME! And I'm super proud/excited/PROUD that I made it onto one of her posts. I sound like a psycho stalker fan... I know. So anyways, if you don't know what I'm talking about, and want to know... you can go HERE

I FINISHED MY FIRST 5K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To give a little history on what got me to this point:

Last January,  I began the Couch to 5k training program, counting calories, and blogging about the experience. Everything was going great. I had a 7 month old at the time I started, and weighed right at 300 lbs. By the end of February, I was almost up to regularly jogging 3.1 miles and had lost almost 30lbs! Then, very unexpectedly, my husband and I found out we were pregnant again.... it was a shocker because I was still nursing my 8 month old and taking birth control religiously. So, I was devastated, and instead of continuing to eat healthy/run/workout... I shut down ,stuffed my face, and packed on the pounds. I have had very, very difficult pregnancies with my first two, so I was dreading this one, and had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I was going to have 2 kids under 2, and I felt like all of my dreams of getting healthy and running were out the window. 

Fast forward.. I had my sweet Oliver Wyatt this past October 2013. I adore him, and can't imagine my world without him, but adjusting to all the changes has been very difficult. This past year, my 5 year old started kindergarten, J.D. turned 1, and I had another baby. I'm also a full-time high school teacher. 

January 1, 2014, I decided it was time to start this whole weight loss process again, now that I'm not pregnant, and am for sure done with pregnancies :) So I started with the healthy eating habits first, and for a month and a half, kinda half-heartedly  stuck to that plan. I also started the couch to 5k program again. The first 2 months, I didn't do great on any of it. It's been really hard for me to find a schedule that works to work out, where my husband is willing to take care of all 3 kids, and where the timing fits with my nursing schedule. I still nurse 6-9x a day (baby is 5 months old). 

By March 1, though, something in my mind changed and I decided instead of just saying I was going to get healthy and lose weight, I set goals. Short goals, instead of just the "I need to lose 100 lbs" goal. So, my first 2 goals was to run a 5k by the end of April. In that goal, I wanted to run it in under 45 min, I didn't want to be the last person to finish, and I didn't want to stop or walk any of it. My other goal was to lost 25lbs by Easter. 

On March 10, I registered for my first 5k for April 12th. My husband decided to do it with me, and we decided instead of going to the gym, which was too difficult with kids, we would go to  a park or somewhere where the kids could play, and we'd take turns running while the other watched the kids. For the first 2 weeks, the most I could run was 1.5 miles... SLOWLY... and I still felt like I was going to die. I had no clue how I'd be able to get to 3.1 and I only had 2 weeks left before the race. So on a Sunday, I decided that I was just going to do it... do the whole 3.1 and see what happens... and I did! I did it in 46.24. My legs were super sore the next day, but other than that, I felt great (and proud). 

I've been running 3-4x a week, but doing between 2-2.5 miles. The next Sunday (the last Sun before the race), I did another 3.1 miles and did it in 42.46!!! 

So yesterday, it was 5k time. I was SUPER nervous. Several times I almost talked myself out of going. My biggest fears were that I would be the slowest and fattest person there, and that the "fit" people would look at me and think "what is she doing here, she doesn't belong here." I also have MAJOR anxiety about large groups (we're talking more than 3-4 people groups haha) of people/strangers. So we got our number and then sat for an hour waiting for it to start. They gave us ankle wraps that had something on it that tracked our time. During that hour, several funny things happened:

1. The announcer said that when we line up, anyone that thinks they will finish the race between 16-18 min needs to get up front. LOL I would finish a mile around 14 minutes if I go fast for me, so the fact that people will finish the entire 3.1 miles 2 minutes after that, was ASTOUNDING! 

2. We watched 2 guys run the entire course, about 20 minutes before they actually ran the course for real. No joke. And there wasn't a bead of sweat or ounce of redness in their cheeks. 

3. I looked around and saw lots of girls, in particular that looked EXTREMELY in shape..... by that, I mean they were skinny, and wearing actual athletic clothes (I'm still too big to buy real athletic clothes that are skin tight). And I thought, "I don't belong here." 

Thankfully, I didn't feel like people were judging me though, which was nice. And my husband was super supportive. 

Ok so the race started at 2. The course was through this retirement community/neighborhood. It was 85 degrees, sunny, and no shade. We had been running pretty flat courses, and in the evening when it was cool... plus... the last 3 weeks, it's been in the 50's. So, for me.. it was super hot, and super sunny... neither of which I had mentally prepared for. I also feel like I have to have layer upon layer of clothing to cover up my fat, so I was WAY overdressed. They also had one water station... 1.5 miles into the course (and that was it). The hardest part though, was that the first entire mile was uphill (they had warned us of that)... it was fairly steep, but there was not break to the incline... constant incline. The part they didn't warn us about was that at 2.5-3.0 miles, it was straight uphill.. major incline.... There were times where mentally, I wasn't walking, but I'm sure it looked like I was... i was moving my feet as fast as I could, and was barely getting anywhere. 

BUT I FINISHED! I NEVER WALKED and I NEVER STOPPED! And more importantly, I got over my fear of signing up for 5ks. I also found out that a lot of the girls that looked "athletic" or "in shape" were neither. I passed more people than I thought I would. There were a lot of people that started with a bang, and then were walking/panting halfway through it. I was amazed by the true runners though. It was laughable.... we were almost to the 1 mile mark on the large hill, and there were people coming down that hill finishing the last 10th of the race. That's amazing to me, how fast and in shape they are. Something to strive for, that's for sure. 

I finished in 46:20. I wanted to be under 45, but with the large hills, and the sun/heat... I'm just SO proud. I know that on a flatter course, I will be faster and as I continue to lose weight, it will get easier. Also, I have size 46DD boobs (that were also full of milk because I completely forgot I'd miss a nursing session, and didn't pump)... so it'll be SO NICE when I can run and not have that issue. 

I'm signing up for my next one in June! My goal is that within a year, I want to do a half marathon. The feeling I got when I crossed the finish line was just amazing... I teared up... and just felt so proud. That at my weight, I'm still accomplishing things. 

OH! I'm also 5lbs away from my Easter goal! In November 2013, I weighed 320lbs, and I'm currently at 269lbs! 

Pictures: Paul and I before the race, me finishing the race, and us right after the race. 

Atkins

So the last week I did some real soul searching about losing weight. I haven't been able to stick to my plan at all.... there is so much temptation in the house with bad foods, and when we eat out, I don't know how to make low calorie decisions at all. I also keep forgetting to log my food into My Fitness Pal. I want to sit here and say, " I want to lose weight SO bad..." but obviously I don't want to bad enough, because I haven't made any major changes since starting this whole journey.

I think that I need a formatted diet, that tells me exactly what I can/can't eat. I've tried a lot of fad diets, all that promised quick results (which they did give) but that didn't last. Not to mention, as soon as I got off of the diet, I ballooned.. MAJOR! I know that the best way to lose weight would be to just commit to healthy eating and exercising, but I'm not there yet. I've been doing a lot of researching about the Atkins diet. I've done a version of it once before (when I was 14) and had a lot of success with it.

I've decided today to start that, because at the beginning, it's very basic with what I can/can't have, so it's easy to plan/stick to. Every night, I lay in bed thinking about what my life would be like if I was skinny... imagining shopping at normal clothing stores, thinking about how people would react, how my husband would react, how it would affect my kids in such a positive way.

I know it wouldn't take much more than a year, and when talking in long term times, a year doesn't seem long at all. But on a daily basis, mentally, a year seems like forever. I just want to get control of my mind. I want to be proud of myself. I want to weigh under 200 lbs! I want to wear normal size clothes. I want to not be self-conscious every time my husband touches me. I want to not hid what I eat, and sneak food. I want to be a new person. I want to not always wonder if people are looking at me because I'm fat. I want to be free from this sickness/addiction/controlling habit.

------------------------------
So far today, I've done great. I scrambled 3 eggs for breakfast, and they tasted good. I don't have a lot of veggies at the house right now, so I'm going to run by the store and get some this afternoon. When I got to work, all I could think about was one of the 50 candy bars in the kitchen. I grabbed a kit kat and took it back to my office to eat (even though I wasn't hungry). I decided to look up how to count net carbs (I'm allowed between 18-22 a day, preferably 20, but the majority of them have to come from veggies). Well... the kit kat was pretty much my entire carb count... and I hadn't had any veggies yet. WOW! Never realized how many carbs stuff has, never even thought to look. I didn't think it would be that high, but it was. No wonder I haven't been losing weight SHEESH I know I was eating way too many calories, but I most definitely was eating WAY too many carbs too. So then I started the mind games of saying, "I'll just have 1 of the 4 bars of the Kit Kat." I thought and thought about it, but then I decided... COMMIT KRYSTAL, COMMIT! So, today, I'm going to COMMIT! My head is probably going to hurt from the lack of sugar/caffeine. But I'm going to commit. Tomorrow, I'm going to COMMIT! And pray. Seriously, though... I do think to overcome my mind and the temptations, it's going to take a lot of prayer. So I'm going to pray and commit... and OVERCOME! 

Day 3: Crock Pot Day! YAY

I love Wednesdays because I know that I don't have to cook dinner! Of course, I have to prepare it early in the morning, but for some reason, that seems WAY easier to me than trying to do it in the evening when I'm tired and have all the kids up. Wednesdays, after I get home from work and getting the kids, we have about an hour and a half before I have to take Isabella to piano and Children's Church. So I do crock pot meals a lot so that we still have something to eat.

The day went by fast. I still gave in WAY too many times to candy bars.... UGH! If I could just not go in the school kitchen that would help.... but I have to. So, like every other area, I'm going to have to learn... FORCE... moderation and restraint. I made a roast (beef) for dinner with potatoes and carrots. I don't really like carrots.... as in HATE... so I just ate the potatoes and roast beef. I also ate leftover chicken soup from yesterday for lunch so I did really good on those meals.

I, thankfully, stayed under my calorie count (but as mentioned in the post yesterday, I'm not sure the calorie limit is low enough).... but I had too much candy. On the way home from getting Isabella, I needed to stop and get a gallon of milk. I had been pretty stressed out because I had tried to go shopping with Wyatt which was 1) a disaster, and 2) for some reason I thought losing 5lbs would make clothes fit LOL. So, when getting the milk, I also got me a Twix Icecream. RIDICULOUS! That's embarrassing to even admit. So definitely, I have to start working on the candy bars. Hopefully by Friday, I can say that I didn't have a single one all day. That's my goal! I need to pack other snacks to replace them so when I feel hungry I won't turn to stuff like that... and I also need to find other ways to relieve stress, besides eating food!

The only positive for today, was that I weighed before I went to bed, just to see how I was progressing up or down.... and YAY! I've lost 5lbs since MONDAY! WOOT WOOT! That always helps me want to do better.

I didn't work out today. I didn't have time to go to the Rush and my body is EXTREMELY sore from the workout video last night. So I plan to go run tomorrow night for sure!

Here's my breakdown of food for today: 

I'll end with a sweet picture of Wyatt, after he woke up from his nap. I love his sweet precious smiles! 

Day 2: Candy Bars and Extreme Makeover Weightloss DVD

Hello all.... by all, I pretty much mean myself at this point :) I thought yesterday was busy, then today started, and WOW! No comparison. After work today, I had to rush to my Mom's house (she keeps my boys while I'm at work) and nurse Wyatt. Then I had to rush straight to a new school to interview for a Math teaching position for next year. That took an hour longer than I expected, so then I rushed (yes, that is the word of the day) back to my Mom's to pick up my kids and head home. Once I got home, I realized that it was 20 minutes before Paul would be home... and let's face it, he's "STARVING" and expects dinner pretty much immediately as his foot hits the wood floors ;). So I had to RUSH to cook dinner.

I was going to cook chicken casserole, which would have been terrible calories wise, but I didn't have enough time. So instead, I fixed chicken soup. I just threw a lot of things in it, but it actually tasted AMAZING! And the best part is, Paul didn't love it so I have to for lunch the rest of the week. The second best part, it's not very many calories at all!!!!! I had a little "GO KRYSTAL" party after accomplishing everything I did today and making a yummy meal on top of it.

Wyatt is normally VERY fussy during the evening, but tonight he was so tired that he fell asleep at 7:30. YAY! So I decided instead of going to the Rush to run, I would try a workout DVD I have. I didn't want to run because I seem to do better when I take a day or two off. But I was determined to work out. So I set up the tv and DVD player in Wyatt's nursery (he still sleeps in our room). I used the Extreme Makeover Weighloss DVD. 

I really like his personality on the show, so I thought I would probably like the DVD. I also like that he uses some of the people who have lost weight, because 1) I know they used to be overweight and they did it, and 2) some of them are still a little heavy, which is encouraging. Some DVDs I've done in the past, have used such in shape people that it's both intimidating, and the moves they do are impossible. Anyways, there were 3 levels on this DVD. I decided to do level 3, since I've been working out for several weeks. It was HARD, and TIRING! But I completed the ENTIRE workout (about 40 minutes) and didn't cheat on any of it.... well I probably could've done the sit-ups a little higher, but with my large chest and stomach, those are still VERY hard. I loved the work out though, and will try to continue to do it on my off days from running. The best part... Isabella wanted to do it with me, and she did the ENTIRE workout as well! Of course, she can't do all the moves, but she made up her own and we had a great time! She was very into it, and was hilarious to listen to. 

JD even came in and participated sometimes. He liked the squats section and the push-ups. I loved watching him try to do what we were doing.... while eating crackers (of course). That boy is going to turn into a fish cracker before long. 

As far as eating is concerned, I stayed under my calorie count. But I'm really really struggling with candy bars. Here's why... where I work, I sell concessions to our students at lunch. There are an assortment of candy bars that call my name daily. I'm certain that if I stayed under my calorie limit, but did it with things besides candy bars, that I would do WAY better on my weightloss. So that's going to be my goal the next couple of days... .to start cutting back completely on the candy bars. I'm also concerned that my calorie limit is set too high. When I entered in my current weight, height, and what I want to lose, My Fitness Pal calculated how many calories a day I should eat itself, but I think it may be too high. It says I should eat 2,470 a day, which seems way high. I was thinking more between 1,600-1,800. I decided I would give it one week with their numbers and see how much weight I lose, then lower the calorie limit if I need to. Here's my food break down for today.  

Day 1: Only 24 hours in the day...

So I decided today would be the day I picked back up where I left off last year when I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt. I always seem to want to start on a Monday. Sunday night, while nursing at 3AM, I planned in my head what I would fix for breakfast and lunch so that I could prepare it quickly the next morning. The mornings are always a blur because I have to get Isabella up and ready for school.. she is NOT a morning person, then I have to get Wyatt and JD up and ready to go to my Mom's... then I have to take them all to their respective places and get myself to work. WHEW I'm tired just thinking about it. OH, I also downloaded MY FITNESS PAL again. It really helped me last year be able to see exactly how many calories I'm eating. It's amazing how many calories I eat when I don't track what I'm eating. It's a lot easier for me, when I see that I have 500 calories left, or 1,000 calories left to make better decisions.... yes, I try to stretch and use my calories for all their worth (aka EAT AS MUCH FOOD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the calories I'm allotted). The highlight of MY FITNESS PAL is that I get to add 400 calories a day for breastfeeding.. SCORE!

So I tracked all of my food yesterday... every single bite. I even had enough calories for a candy bar!! I ate well enough on all of my meals that I was able to do that. I had a home made strawberry banana smoothie for breakfast.. YUM! I will probably do smoothies most days because they are so easy to make. I also made my lunch for work for the first time in FOREVER! It's so hard for me to prepare ahead of time, when I'm trying to think about everyone else too, but I did it! And it was GOOD tasting, so that makes it all the better. (sorry for the not great picture... I forgot to take one until I was already drinking it in the car).

When I got home from work and picking up the kids, things got crazy. I really needed to do 3 loads of laundry, wash dishes, clean up the house, etc etc CHORES CHORES CHORES... BUT, Isabella came home with 10... TEN!!!... pages of math homework to do .. SHE'S IN KINDERGARTEN PEOPLE!!!! It took us over an hour to get done. And Wyatt, thought he hadn't eaten all day and wanted to nurse every 2 hours, so it was very very busy. We did get in a little play time in between home work and cooking dinner.

I had to let Wyatt cry while I cooked dinner, which made JD on edge. Something about Wyatt crying makes JD extra fussy. I made spaghetti, green beans, and bread. Not the healthiest, but I didn't have much time or hands to cook anything better. I almost burned it all anyways, trying to get Wyatt to sleep and to stop crying. The silver lining, Bella, on her own, wrote this little lovely paper while I was cooking. ADORABLE! I even love the misspelled words :)

Once dinner was over, and everything was cleaned up, I nursed Wyatt AGAIN... that boy is an empty pit.... then Paul agreed to let me go to the Rush to workout. I really didn't think he'd want to keep the kids, because Wyatt was so fussy, but I'm so thankful he did. 

I have 2 goals this year:

1. Run my first 5K (and hopefully run it in under 37 minutes)

2. Lose 100 lbs. 

I had started working out about 3 weeks ago, so I've already been running a little. I'm using the Couch to 5K app on my phone to help me start running. Because it's so cold outside, I've only been able to run on the treadmill. I HATE running on the treadmill. HATE HATE HATE. When I run outside, it seems so much easier, and to take a lot less time. On the treadmill it seems that time... and distance... goes SO SLOW! My Mom went with me tonight, so I was also trying to talk while jogging/walking, and I had just eaten spaghetti, so it didn't go to great. I'm on week 4 of the C25K program. On week 4, you jog 3 min, walk 90 secs, jog 5 mins, walk 2.5 mins, jog 3 mins, walk 90 secs, then jog 5 mins. The most I had jogged before this was 3 minutes, so the 5 minute intervals felt like TORTURE. I was cramping in my side... probably from trying to talk with my Mom and from the spaghetti. So I took the speed slower... probably slower than I should have... but I was SO tired, was having trouble breathing, and again... my side :) I still burned 301 calories... so I count that as a SUCCESS. After the treadmill, I went and ran the stairs they have set up in the building. I did them 6 times and was starting to feel that throw up feeling, so I stopped. I was proud of my workout though, considering the hectic, fast day I had had. I think the fact that I'm 285 lbs and running at all is something to brag about... so BRAG BRAG BRAG!

I also stayed under my calorie limit! YAY! Too many carbohydrates... so I'm going to try to fix that today. I love that this app makes it so easy to see what everything counts as! 

 The best part of the day... when I started yesterday morning, I weighed 285 lbs. I know I'm only supposed to truly weigh in once a week, but I'm slightly obsessed with weighing everyday... several times a day (I'll talk about this on another post). BUT after all of my meals for the day, and my workout, and with WET HAIR (I have very thick hair and wet hair, I'm convinced, adds like 20 lbs to the scale haha)... I was DOWN almost 3 pounds!!!!!!! I took a picture because that was in less than 24 hours! I get it.. water weight, I know. But it was a nice way to end of the night, and a nice boost of confidence and encouragement to continue the journey! (I have tried for 20 min to flip the picture. It's right side up in my file and phone, but it keeps flipping here. You get the idea though).... and let's not even talk about how bad my toes need painting :)

DAY 1 DONE! BOOM!

Finding out some new Information

So today has been kinda relaxed, and completely crazy all at the same time at work. There are a lot of students gone because of a basketball tournament, but there were some students... 2 in particular .. that I'm fairly certain went off the deep end. Anyways, I had some time to read some blogs today and I ran across a new one that had some great information. HERE IT IS if you want to check it out. She has lost over 100 pounds and she did it pretty much the same way I'm trying to do it. I don't know why I enjoy reading other people's inspirational stories so much.. but I hope   KNOW that I will also have the same inspirational story one day! It also had this site that allowed me to find out some information about what I should be doing calorie and goal wise.

***
UGH I tried to embed it here, but I can't figure out how to get it to work, so I'll just have to share the information. OK, according to where I am right now here is what I found out:

Basic Metabolic Rate (based on height, weight, age, activity level)
Maintenance: 2,344 Calories
Fat Loss: 1,993 Calories
Extreme Fat Loss: 1,758 Calories

So, I'm actually doing about what I thought I should be doing. I'm mostly eating about 1,800 calories so I'm right in between the Extreme and the Fat loss. It does make we want to move down to the 1,700 calorie range, but I think I'm doing good either way.

Ideal Body Weight (based on height, weight)
146-151 lbs

I literally don't remember a time when I've been under 200 lbs. But the exciting part about this to me, is that in 2 more pounds, I will be exactly 100 pounds away from my ideal body weight!!! 100 pounds is a ton, but it's nice to know soon I won't have over 100 pounds to lose!  That may sound weird to some of you, but to me, it's exciting, and important.

I'm really glad I found that girl's blog today because I was needing some motivation. The last two days I've been struggling with wanting to binge every other second. I've been SO STRESSED OUT with so many unknowns and changes in my life. It's been really hard to cope, because my normal coping method would be to eat. I haven't eaten great today, but I'm still under my calorie limit, so now I'm more motivated than ever to finish the day STRONG (within my calorie range and go to run).

Tomorrow is weigh in day. It's another time where I don't expect to lose weight. I really won't be surprised if I've gained. But, it's not going to stop me and I am going to continue losing weight!

I have a 3 and a half month goal set, now that I'm certain I'm going on my family cruise in June. I want to be under 200 pounds by the time of the cruise. That means in the next 4ish months, I will need to lose 50 pounds! I know this is possible and I plan on doing it!!!!!!!!!

Where I get all of my inspiration/information

I wanted to take a second and give praise where praise is due. I saw the following website through Pinterest, and it's the reason I decided to finally change my life and start getting healthy. Seriously, this is the only site I've been to. It's actually a blog. I feel like she says the exact things I feel, and I find so much motivation on her site. No joke. She has great advice for running... really just great advice for everything. She has lost a ridiculous crazy amount of weight, and did it/is doing it the same way I'm doing it (calorie counting/running). I don't know her personally, but I'm addicted to reading her posts, her question/answer sections, and all the encouraging things she says. OK, I sound kind of stalkerish, but really, when I have free time, that's what I'm reading. And she has great recipes! OK I'm done going on and on and on. Here's her blog:

Runs For Cookies