So, I've been reading a lot about binge eating... thanks to some very informative posts over at Runs for Cookies . She says that it is an actual eating disorder and talks a lot about her struggle with binge eating. I don't know that I have the disorder, but a lot of things she's written in her journal about binge eating have really hit very close to home.
She talked about how it's not just over eating, but it's letting food control every thought you have. I definitely struggle with that. Since I've been making changes in my life, both with better eating and exercise, it has been getting better. I think part of the problem is that if I don't allow myself foods that I like (namely, sweets), I will binge on them, whenever given the opportunity. We have gotten rid of those sorts of things in the house for that very reason, but it is still a struggle when I'm anywhere else. I will talk more about that in a second.
Another struggle I am trying to overcome is trying to hide my eating, or sneak food. It's like I don't want anyone to see me eat something that could be perceived as unhealthy or fattening, so I try to hide it. I don't want to do that, because that also sends me down the road of eating too much of the same stuff. I don't know if that makes sense? If I can get over my fear of what other people think, and just eat a normal portion of whatever, even if it's cake... that's much better than waiting until I'm alone, and eating 3 normal portions of the same cake (which is what I would used to do).
Thinking about habits I've had in the past about makes me sick and makes me want to cry. My entire day would be planned around food. When I was eating lunch, I would be planning in my head what kind of dessert I would eat or what I would pick up on the way home from lunch. I would literally get excited for my kids to take naps so that I could watch tv and gorge myself on something sweet. I know... that's really pathetic, but it's true. I decided at the beginning of this, that when my kids are asleep, or when I'm alone, I'm not eating... if at all possible. Obviously, sometimes it's meal time and I have to eat. But when the kids are napping is never an eating time, and until I can feel like I have control of that, it's just a NO ZONE.
Back to the binge-eating and the struggle when I'm places where I can't control what's in front of me. I went to my Mom's house yesterday to pick up my kids. JD was still asleep, and Bella was watching a movie. Mom had gone to pick up Brook so I was all alone. When I first came in, I immediately noticed there was food in the microwave. Food in the microwave is ALWAYS some sort of dessert. Even though I'm overcoming temptations, my brain has been trained when I walk in her house to immediately look at the microwave for desserts, so that's what I did. Anyways, I opened it to see if was chocolate iced eclairs! And they looked GOOD! I closed the microwave and walked away, desperately wanting one. I took a bath to try to get it out of my mind. I wasn't even hungry when I got to her house, but now I thought I was FAMISHED and the only thing that would satisfy that was 5 or 6 chocolate eclairs. So I thought and thought about it. Finally, I decided... instead of torturing myself, and more than likely binge eating when I got home because of it (I was already thinking about what I would replace those missed eclairs with when I got home)... I decided I would have one. But ONLY ONE. Normally, I'd have 3 in the 30 minutes I was there. And I put it in my phone and looked at how many calories it would cost me before I had one. I accounted for it on my calorie count, and knew that it meant I would have to eat lighter at dinner. So I opened the microwave, cut one in half and started with just that. I enjoyed every single bite. The icing was so good, the eclair filling was better than normal. There were 9 and a 1/2 more staring at me. I closed the microwave and sat down. I still didn't feel satisfied, so I opened it up and took one more bite, leaving about a quarter of the eclair left. And I felt satisfied. AND I STOPPED. I didn't even eat a whole one. I ate until I was satisfied and then I stopped. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, because that's the first time in a long time that I've faced a temptation like that, had enough that my stomach/mind felt satisfied, and then stopped. I changed the calorie count on my app, because like I said, I didn't eat the whole thing. This probably seems silly, and tiny to you... but for me.. it was a BIG MOMENT. A moment where I was in control, not my addiction to food/sweets. A moment where I was able to eat something I love, without it costing me all of my calories, or without binge eating it.
And... TA-DA.. I stayed within my calorie range yesterday! I don't feel bloated today. I feel GREAT! I worked out last night and had a good workout over all. I need to work a little more on my endurance in running (time/distance), but it'll get there.
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