My grandfather

My sweet grandfather passed away last night about 8:00 PM. He was a wonderful man and has left behind an amazing legacy. The last month of his life was full of suffering and pain for the entire family (especially my Mom and Grandma), so I'm thankful that this time of suffering is over. Because of everything that has been going on, I've had to put myself and this weight loss journey on the back burner. I've been doing pretty good eating, but we've had to eat out a lot because of schedules and helping out the family and what not. I did get in 2 runs this past week, but I was hoping for 4-5 each week. It just hasn't happened. I'm going to try and continue to try to eat as healthy as possible, and keep my calories in check this week. I doubt I'll get to run any though. We've been under a tornado watch the last 24 hours, that I think will continue until the end of tomorrow. Then we'll head into the weekend and have the viewing, funeral, etc.

Next week, my family already planned to go to Disney World before all of this happened.... so I won't get much of an opportunity to run that week, and who knows what my eating options will be like. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses... but I'm tired, and I don't really want to think about trying to always find healthy/low calorie options when I'm constantly tired/in a rush. Thankfully, even though I've been pretty emotional, I haven't felt the need to go and gorge myself on sweets or something unhealthy... I haven't really over eaten at all. I hope to control that through all of this.

So, my posts my be few and far between the next week.... mostly because I don't think I'll have much to talk about in regards to weight loss or meeting my goals. When I get back from Disney, hopefully, I will not have gained weight, and I plan to pick up where I left off.

Quick update

I haven't been able to post this week, because I've been WAY to busy/overwhelmed. My grandfather (my Mom's Dad) is about to pass away. Mostly from old age/heart failure. We've known it's coming, but the time is here. Hospice critical care has been called in and they're giving him 24-48 hours to live (although they said that Tuesday, and here we are Friday). Anyways, because of that, my Mom has gone up to stay with and help the family full-time until he passes. She takes care of my boys during the day while I teach (I pay her.. .kind of like a nanny, but a GREAT one). So now, I have both boys, no babysitters, and a very full schedule. Thankfully, my Dad is the principal of the high school I teach at, so he's allowed me to bring the boys to school with me. To say that that has been the most difficult part of my work day is an understatement. Trying to teach, get stuff done in the office, and keep the boys happy/settled, has been exhausting.

We spent 3 hours at the allergist with Isabella this week too. She is going to have to have a full back test (where they prick her back with about 38 different allergens to see what and how bad she's allergic to each). I'm dreading that day. They put her on 5 different medications until the tests.

ALSO, our van died Monday. We put it in the shop. Got it Tuesday, it died again Wednesday. We put it in the shop. Got it back last night... you guessed it... DEAD again this morning :(

SO, I haven't ran since my running with the deer post. My eating has been decent, but only because I've been too busy taking  care of everyone to eat. I have been eating really unhealthy though when I do eat. I'm also constantly fighting the urge to gorge myself with chocolate and diet cokes to help cope with the stress. Normally, I'd run to cope with the stress, but NO TIME. 

OK I'll try to post more later. I did change and update my goals page... and my weekly weigh-in page!

Running with the deer

Yesterday was a tough day... My daughter, Isabella, has very severe allergies. She had been seeing an allergist since she was 3 that I just wasn't happy with. Last week, her pediatrician referred her to a new allergist that she gets to see today! The only problem... they wanted her off all meds starting this past Friday. By Sunday, she was having a severe allergic reaction. Chattanooga is in the top 5 worst places to live in regards to allergy and pollen. So without any meds, she really had a tough time. Around 1 AM Monday morning, Isabella woke up in tears and so much pain. She had a rash all over her body and her eyes were killing her. So I decided to go ahead and give her medicine. When I got her up for school, her eyes were swollen shut. It was the worst I have ever seen it. I almost started crying because I felt so bad for her pain. It took about 20 minutes to get her eyes opened, and they looked terrible all day. I ended up taking her to school with me and letting her watch Frozen in my office all day ;)

Once I left work... my van died (with all 3 kids in it!). So I spent the next two hours getting it to the shop very slowly, then getting a ride, with my kids, home. For the record, this is the third time we've had it in the shop this month... I don't even want to say how much we've spent the last month on the car :(

So needless to say, yesterday was NOT my day. When Paul got off work, we had to drive about 20 minutes to his parents house to pick up/borrow their truck. I had stuck to my diet all day, and really wanted to run, so I decided I would run down there... even though I was hot, tired, and NOT in the mood. I'm SO GLAD I did! I run in the Chickamauga Battlefield, and got to enjoy the beautiful scenery... INCLUDING DEER!!!! I also kept a really good pace!

I feel back on track now and am excited for the weigh in Wednesday and get focused on this journey again!

I don't even want to talk about it...

I don't even want to talk about the weekend, because I said I wouldn't lose control through the holiday.... but I, unfortunately lost control. Obviously, in losing control, I did not meet my goal of weighing 260lbs by Sunday! I gained 1 lb!!! UGH! Actually... I'm shocked that it wasn't more like 10-15 lbs... that's how much I ate, and how gross it felt to eat that much. This isn't going to be a totally negative post because there were some great moments from this weekend. So I'll try to get through it all as quickly as possible.

First, and almost MOST important... I can cross another goal of my list that I successfully completed! This is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I TOLD MY HUSBAND HOW MUCH I WEIGHED! If you don't fully understand why this is exciting/important, you can read about this issue HERE . But I talked to him about my fears of him knowing, and about how crazy I've been trying to hide/cover it up over the years, and that I just want to be free to let that fear go and trust that he'll love me. So I told him. He didn't say he was shocked that it was that high, or low, or that I looked about that weight. He said it was amazing that in 5 months I've gone from 320 to 270 and that he is SO proud of me. He also said that I need to make sure I'm not doing this for him, but for me... which I think I am. He also told me he loved me no matter what size I am.... while that's still hard for me to believe, I'm trying to tell myself that daily.

SO that was great to check that off the goal list! Another exciting thing... I wore a dress for Easter that I haven't been able to fit into since before I had JD (that's almost 4 years ago!). YES, I wore spanx with it ;) but that was mostly because I just wanted to make sure nothing was "falling out." :) The dress was a size 22W, which is what I wear, but it is pretty fitted and straight cut! I was so excited! I was nervous getting ready to put it on Sunday, because I wasn't sure it would fit and hadn't thought about the possibility of it not fitting and what I would wear if it didn't.

I didn't run any this weekend. I just didn't have time. My grandfather (Mom's Dad) is about to pass away, so she was up there almost the entire weekend taking care of him. Paul had to work Saturday, so I had the kids for the Easter Egg Hunt and all the preparations for Sunday. Sunday, we normally do a huge family dinner, but my Mom normally does it at her house. Since she's been so overwhelmed... I volunteered to do it. So I had TONS of cleaning and cooking to do Saturday and Sunday. We had a great time with our family, but I just couldn't/ didn't control my eating.

 I don't want to focus on it too long, because I want to dust myself off and get started again. The kids and I baked cookies (which I ate tons of), and a cake (which I ate and licked tons of). There's really no way to sugar coat it. I ate crap from Friday-Sunday, with ZERO self control. I feel embarrassed, disappointed, and ashamed, but again... just going to start fresh today. I just want to be able to control those urges and to overcome the temptation to always eat and always eat SO much!




So tonight... I'm going back to eating my healthy, "diet" food for lack of  a better word. I had been trying to eat smaller portions of whatever I cook the family.. but that's not working. The portions keep getting bigger and bigger. And also, time for running again :)

Fears/Insecurities from my weight

I was reading another blog this morning, and stumbled across a picture of her and her husband wearing what looked like zipline harnesses. Just seeing that picture, made me start thinking about all of the fears and insecurities I have because of my weight, that I am SO excited to be done with FOREVER. I wanted to write about some of the crazy insecurities and fears I have, so that 1) when I look back, I'll remember how ridiculous they were and 2) so I can set some goals in regards to these fears and hopefully start living life to the fullest as I continue this weight loss journey.

1. Fear of Roller coasters - I've always said I was scared of roller coasters, or any type of thrill ride that does the slow up hill then CRASHING down movement. I've used that as my excuse for years as to why I don't ride roller coasters or thrill rides. While I am scared of the slow up/crash down movement, after a lot of hard thinking and really looking at it, I realize this isn't the full truth. I've ridden a few roller coasters, thanks to my husband, and have loved them. What I remember from the experience, though, was the extreme, I mean extreme panicky feeling I get when standing in line... worrying about 2 things... "Will I be the fattest person on this ride?" and "Will the harnesses fit over me?" Crazy huh?! But the fear is paralyzing. I've never told anyone that, not even my husband. I realize that that is the majority of the reasons why I won't get on those rides... because I'm scared I won't fit and will be humiliated. I know I'm not overweight to the point that I shouldn't fit, but I also have huge boobs, and more importantly, a LOUD mind that makes these insecurities SO real that I can't enjoy things I should be enjoying. SO, I'm excited to be a size where that would be impossible to be a fear. Where I would know, for certain, that I will not be too fat for a roller coaster. I'm not sure what kind of goal I'm going to set in regards to this, but I'm going to come up with something to celebrate overcoming this obstacle.

2. Zip lining/Fear of being weighed publicly - We have several zip lining courses through the mountains in my area, and it looks like SO much fun! There's also lots of coupons for them. ALSO, they allow anyone over 6 to go, which means Isabella could go. The problem... you have to be weighed, before you go, to have the harnesses attached correctly. The weight limit is usually no more than 280lbs, so I actually could do this already. But the thought of probably very athletic guys/girls weighing me, and seeing that I weigh almost 270lbs makes my heart pound. It won't happen. The thought of my husband being there, even more humiliating (I'll talk about this more later). I think it would be SO FUN to do this, and something Isabella and I could do together... but once again... my weight is holding me back. Well not really my weight... but my insecurity about my weight and the idea that I'm so embarrassingly fat. I don't want to have to even think about stuff like this. I want to be able to take my kids to do stuff without the fear of being too big, or someone weighing me and it humiliating me. My logical side.... I know that these people that run these zip lines, have probably seen all sorts of sizes of people, and don't know me, and probably wouldn't give me another thought once I'm gone.. but logic doesn't work when it comes to weight and body image. It just doesn't... for me anyways.

3. White Water Rafting - We are very close to the Ocoee River, which is an awesome white water rafting place. Besides the obvious being in a swimsuit issue, there's another major fear I have of doing this: "What if I fell out of the raft (which at some point, almost everyone does), and I couldn't pull myself back in.... and the guide wasn't strong enough to pull my beached whale ;) self back in?" The beached whale part is a joke... but really... I don't have enough arm strength to pull my water logged self back in... what if I EXHAUSTED myself and the guide trying to get back into the raft. I would be SO embarrassed. Also... what if the life jacket doesn't fit? I could imagine the guy getting the biggest one, trying to tie it around my large boobs/stomach, and then yelling to the other worker, "Do we have anything larger, I can't secure these straps!" I realize all of these fears center around me being embarrassed or humiliated... which are feelings... feelings I should be able to control... but I can't. I want to. I hope to one day... but so far... it hasn't happened.

4. Telling my husband how much I weigh - This one is ridiculous. I know it as I say it. The lengths I've gone to keep my weight a secret from my husband is exhausting, embarrassing, and almost hysterical. Before I got married, I cut out every single tag on every single piece of clothing so that my husband wouldn't see what size I was. I doubt he'd know what the sizes mean (especially in pants) even if he saw it. I now realize, he has never, would never, and could care less about taking the time to pull clothes out of my closet and look at the tag to see what size they are! All that effort, all that worry... such a waste of time... but so real to me. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh. Part of it is because he weighs 215 lbs! I weigh 265 lbs! What wife would want to admit she weighs that much more than her husband!?! NOT ME! I feel like, once I'm under 200lbs, I could say it. I could tell him. Not that he asks or pesters me about it... but I think about it... a lot. This has been such a controlling factor in my life, that I've missed out on a lot of good memories with my husband. I would never let him come to the first portion of the doctor visits for both of our babies, because I was scared the doctor would say something about my weight, or say how much I weigh, and Paul would hear it. I would come up with all of these excuses why he couldn't come to the visit or had to wait outside for the first portion. One time during the pregnancy, I got put in the hospital and Paul was with me. The nurse came in to ask the beginning questions... one of which I knew was going to be "how much do you weigh?" and I literally had a full blown panic attack. Paul had to leave the room. He got pretty irritated, and told me then that 1) he doesn't care what I weigh and 2) I needed to get over these irrational fears. I'm trying. I'm not there yet, because I still haven't told him what I weigh. Sometimes, I imagine myself telling him... how freeing it would be to just get it out there and never have to worry about covering it up again. I know this sounds like we have a terrible relationship... like I can't talk to him about things... but it's not his fault. He loves me. I know he loves me and wouldn't care what the number is. He's never made me feel bad about my weight/fat/size/looks. It's a personal thing that is causing the problem... not a relationship thing... I'm definitely going to set a goal so that I can check it off my list, and hopefully start making steps towards overcoming this fear. This one actually makes me emotional, even as I write it. And as I type this, I'm feeling the strong urge to text him right now and say "I weigh 265lbs." I almost just talked myself into it... then felt my heart start racing, my breathing getting uneasy, and everything feeling like it's closing in on me... No joke. I know, this sounds so weird.

OK so those are the things right now that my weight control. My weight did control my fear of doing active things (running, running a 5k)... but I dove head first into that, overcame the fears, and feel so proud/relieved. That's what I'm hoping is going to happen with the rest of these. So now, I'm going to head over to my goals page, and add a couple of goals in regards to overcoming these fears/insecurities! You can see the goals HERE

Probably the coldest run I've done...

I still don't understand why on the day of the 5k, it was 85 degrees... when the whole week before it was in the 50's, and today, it's in the 30's?! I had gotten used to the cool weather when running, so the fact that the sun was beating down on me and I was sweating gallons of water, made running a whole different experience. Yes, I'm still talking about the 5k Sunday, because YES, I'm still super excited about how fun it was and how proud I am!

So yesterday, as usual was very busy. I did stay on my calorie limit all day, and even though I was tired, once I nursed Wyatt, and fed the rest of the family, I asked Paul if I could go for a quick run. I had taken off Monday, so I didn't want to take off another day, because Wednesdays are typically completely full and I doubt I'll be able to ever run on a Wednesday. Thankfully, Paul let me, so I headed to the park at 7:30. It was 42 degrees, very windy, and almost dark. The cold was hard on my breathing, but it was nice to not be burning up or sweaty. Maybe the weather could be in the 60's sometime soon... I think that would be the perfect temperature to run. I only got in 2.5 miles, because I knew it was getting close to bed time for the kids, and I knew Paul would need help getting them all to bed. My legs were also really sore. All night actually... they throbbed in bed... all the way from my ankles to my upper thighs. I don't know if it's from Sunday, because the park last night was very flat. It made it really hard to sleep though. I  hope that that doesn't continue, because it would be hard not to get discouraged from the pain at night.

Normally, I weigh today, but I want to wait until Sunday to see if I meet my next goal - weigh 260lbs at Easter. I'm really starting to see a change in my body shape and in the way clothes are fitting, and it makes me VERY excited! I know that it's just daily, hourly even, decisions that will make these changes permanent and that will make me successful on this journey!

I wanted to finish with the pictures Isabella got yesterday from her school. Her Kindergarten pictures! I can't believe she is almost done with Kindergarten!!! It kills me how fast time is flying!!!! UGH! Isn't she just the cutest!!!

Less than a week to next goal/ running stats make me smile

So I completed my first goal of running a 5k this past Sunday! You can read about that in my post from yesterday. This upcoming Sunday, Easter, is my next goal. I really hope I can mark it off the list. Last time I weighed, I have about 9lbs to lose, which I know is a lot this week, but I'm hopeful. It helps motivate me to stay on track, not cheat, and work out. I didn't run yesterday, but I hadn't planned to. I was pretty sore from the mostly uphill 5k Sunday, and I had a doctors appointment that left me with a lot of pain throughout the evening. I'm feeling better today, and plan to figure out a way to work in a run/work out tonight. It's raining right now, but hopefully it will clear up.

I think it's totally hilarious how the weather has been . During most of my training for the 5k, the temperature was around 50-55 degrees, with a nice breeze, and some clouds. Sunday, the temperature was 85 (the hottest it's been since October), no clouds, and zero breeze. TODAY, 2 days later, it's 45 degrees and raining. HAHAHAHA... I think nature (and God) had a good laugh at my suffering from the heat Sunday. Or maybe it was just a way to show me that I CAN do anything I set my mind to :)

Something else I'm proud about... in March, I ran a total of 19 miles throughout the month of March. We are halfway into April, and I've already passed that mark! I'd love to be somewhere near the 30-35 mile mark by the end of this month, which should be totally doable for sure. I'm still coming off the "high" from the 5k Sunday and feeling so good about things. Yesterday, I didn't really stick to my diet.... and I binged twice during the evening on candy. It was totally emotionally based, after having a huge fight with my husband, but I'm trying to teach myself that being upset is NO reason to eat and stuff my face with candy, chocolate, or whatever the temptation is at the time. I'm learning that I am going to have to find a new way to cope with stress, pains, worries, fights... aka EMOTIONS :) I'm hoping that as I continue, running will be that coping mechanism that will work to fight off the urge to binge eat.

OK so the best part of today.... I'm capitalizing this entire next part because I feel like screaming it from sheer excitement... KATIE AT RUNS FOR COOKIES NOT ONLY REPLIED PERSONALLY TO MY EMAIL OF QUESTIONS A FEW WEEKS AGO, BUT USED MY POST ABOUT MY 5K ON HER MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY BLOG POST!!!!! If you don't know who, or what I'm talking about...  her name is Katie, and well in my mind, she's a celebrity haha. Her blog was the main reason I started losing weight, blogging, and running. Seriously, though. I ran across her page through pinterest, of all places, about 2 years ago, and I've been addicted to absorbing everything she writes about ever since. The fact that she has time to respond to the zillions of questions I sent her about the 5k was AWESOME! And I'm super proud/excited/PROUD that I made it onto one of her posts. I sound like a psycho stalker fan... I know. So anyways, if you don't know what I'm talking about, and want to know... you can go HERE