I was reading another blog this morning, and stumbled across a picture of her and her husband wearing what looked like zipline harnesses. Just seeing that picture, made me start thinking about all of the fears and insecurities I have because of my weight, that I am SO excited to be done with FOREVER. I wanted to write about some of the crazy insecurities and fears I have, so that 1) when I look back, I'll remember how ridiculous they were and 2) so I can set some goals in regards to these fears and hopefully start living life to the fullest as I continue this weight loss journey.
1. Fear of Roller coasters - I've always said I was scared of roller coasters, or any type of thrill ride that does the slow up hill then CRASHING down movement. I've used that as my excuse for years as to why I don't ride roller coasters or thrill rides. While I am scared of the slow up/crash down movement, after a lot of hard thinking and really looking at it, I realize this isn't the full truth. I've ridden a few roller coasters, thanks to my husband, and have loved them. What I remember from the experience, though, was the extreme, I mean extreme panicky feeling I get when standing in line... worrying about 2 things... "Will I be the fattest person on this ride?" and "Will the harnesses fit over me?" Crazy huh?! But the fear is paralyzing. I've never told anyone that, not even my husband. I realize that that is the majority of the reasons why I won't get on those rides... because I'm scared I won't fit and will be humiliated. I know I'm not overweight to the point that I shouldn't fit, but I also have huge boobs, and more importantly, a LOUD mind that makes these insecurities SO real that I can't enjoy things I should be enjoying. SO, I'm excited to be a size where that would be impossible to be a fear. Where I would know, for certain, that I will not be too fat for a roller coaster. I'm not sure what kind of goal I'm going to set in regards to this, but I'm going to come up with something to celebrate overcoming this obstacle.
2. Zip lining/Fear of being weighed publicly - We have several zip lining courses through the mountains in my area, and it looks like SO much fun! There's also lots of coupons for them. ALSO, they allow anyone over 6 to go, which means Isabella could go. The problem... you have to be weighed, before you go, to have the harnesses attached correctly. The weight limit is usually no more than 280lbs, so I actually could do this already. But the thought of probably very athletic guys/girls weighing me, and seeing that I weigh almost 270lbs makes my heart pound. It won't happen. The thought of my husband being there, even more humiliating (I'll talk about this more later). I think it would be SO FUN to do this, and something Isabella and I could do together... but once again... my weight is holding me back. Well not really my weight... but my insecurity about my weight and the idea that I'm so embarrassingly fat. I don't want to have to even think about stuff like this. I want to be able to take my kids to do stuff without the fear of being too big, or someone weighing me and it humiliating me. My logical side.... I know that these people that run these zip lines, have probably seen all sorts of sizes of people, and don't know me, and probably wouldn't give me another thought once I'm gone.. but logic doesn't work when it comes to weight and body image. It just doesn't... for me anyways.
3. White Water Rafting - We are very close to the Ocoee River, which is an awesome white water rafting place. Besides the obvious being in a swimsuit issue, there's another major fear I have of doing this: "What if I fell out of the raft (which at some point, almost everyone does), and I couldn't pull myself back in.... and the guide wasn't strong enough to pull my beached whale ;) self back in?" The beached whale part is a joke... but really... I don't have enough arm strength to pull my water logged self back in... what if I EXHAUSTED myself and the guide trying to get back into the raft. I would be SO embarrassed. Also... what if the life jacket doesn't fit? I could imagine the guy getting the biggest one, trying to tie it around my large boobs/stomach, and then yelling to the other worker, "Do we have anything larger, I can't secure these straps!" I realize all of these fears center around me being embarrassed or humiliated... which are feelings... feelings I should be able to control... but I can't. I want to. I hope to one day... but so far... it hasn't happened.
4. Telling my husband how much I weigh - This one is ridiculous. I know it as I say it. The lengths I've gone to keep my weight a secret from my husband is exhausting, embarrassing, and almost hysterical. Before I got married, I cut out every single tag on every single piece of clothing so that my husband wouldn't see what size I was. I doubt he'd know what the sizes mean (especially in pants) even if he saw it. I now realize, he has never, would never, and could care less about taking the time to pull clothes out of my closet and look at the tag to see what size they are! All that effort, all that worry... such a waste of time... but so real to me. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh. Part of it is because he weighs 215 lbs! I weigh 265 lbs! What wife would want to admit she weighs that much more than her husband!?! NOT ME! I feel like, once I'm under 200lbs, I could say it. I could tell him. Not that he asks or pesters me about it... but I think about it... a lot. This has been such a controlling factor in my life, that I've missed out on a lot of good memories with my husband. I would never let him come to the first portion of the doctor visits for both of our babies, because I was scared the doctor would say something about my weight, or say how much I weigh, and Paul would hear it. I would come up with all of these excuses why he couldn't come to the visit or had to wait outside for the first portion. One time during the pregnancy, I got put in the hospital and Paul was with me. The nurse came in to ask the beginning questions... one of which I knew was going to be "how much do you weigh?" and I literally had a full blown panic attack. Paul had to leave the room. He got pretty irritated, and told me then that 1) he doesn't care what I weigh and 2) I needed to get over these irrational fears. I'm trying. I'm not there yet, because I still haven't told him what I weigh. Sometimes, I imagine myself telling him... how freeing it would be to just get it out there and never have to worry about covering it up again. I know this sounds like we have a terrible relationship... like I can't talk to him about things... but it's not his fault. He loves me. I know he loves me and wouldn't care what the number is. He's never made me feel bad about my weight/fat/size/looks. It's a personal thing that is causing the problem... not a relationship thing... I'm definitely going to set a goal so that I can check it off my list, and hopefully start making steps towards overcoming this fear. This one actually makes me emotional, even as I write it. And as I type this, I'm feeling the strong urge to text him right now and say "I weigh 265lbs." I almost just talked myself into it... then felt my heart start racing, my breathing getting uneasy, and everything feeling like it's closing in on me... No joke. I know, this sounds so weird.
OK so those are the things right now that my weight control. My weight did control my fear of doing active things (running, running a 5k)... but I dove head first into that, overcame the fears, and feel so proud/relieved. That's what I'm hoping is going to happen with the rest of these. So now, I'm going to head over to my goals page, and add a couple of goals in regards to overcoming these fears/insecurities! You can see the goals HERE
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