Fears/Insecurities from my weight

I was reading another blog this morning, and stumbled across a picture of her and her husband wearing what looked like zipline harnesses. Just seeing that picture, made me start thinking about all of the fears and insecurities I have because of my weight, that I am SO excited to be done with FOREVER. I wanted to write about some of the crazy insecurities and fears I have, so that 1) when I look back, I'll remember how ridiculous they were and 2) so I can set some goals in regards to these fears and hopefully start living life to the fullest as I continue this weight loss journey.

1. Fear of Roller coasters - I've always said I was scared of roller coasters, or any type of thrill ride that does the slow up hill then CRASHING down movement. I've used that as my excuse for years as to why I don't ride roller coasters or thrill rides. While I am scared of the slow up/crash down movement, after a lot of hard thinking and really looking at it, I realize this isn't the full truth. I've ridden a few roller coasters, thanks to my husband, and have loved them. What I remember from the experience, though, was the extreme, I mean extreme panicky feeling I get when standing in line... worrying about 2 things... "Will I be the fattest person on this ride?" and "Will the harnesses fit over me?" Crazy huh?! But the fear is paralyzing. I've never told anyone that, not even my husband. I realize that that is the majority of the reasons why I won't get on those rides... because I'm scared I won't fit and will be humiliated. I know I'm not overweight to the point that I shouldn't fit, but I also have huge boobs, and more importantly, a LOUD mind that makes these insecurities SO real that I can't enjoy things I should be enjoying. SO, I'm excited to be a size where that would be impossible to be a fear. Where I would know, for certain, that I will not be too fat for a roller coaster. I'm not sure what kind of goal I'm going to set in regards to this, but I'm going to come up with something to celebrate overcoming this obstacle.

2. Zip lining/Fear of being weighed publicly - We have several zip lining courses through the mountains in my area, and it looks like SO much fun! There's also lots of coupons for them. ALSO, they allow anyone over 6 to go, which means Isabella could go. The problem... you have to be weighed, before you go, to have the harnesses attached correctly. The weight limit is usually no more than 280lbs, so I actually could do this already. But the thought of probably very athletic guys/girls weighing me, and seeing that I weigh almost 270lbs makes my heart pound. It won't happen. The thought of my husband being there, even more humiliating (I'll talk about this more later). I think it would be SO FUN to do this, and something Isabella and I could do together... but once again... my weight is holding me back. Well not really my weight... but my insecurity about my weight and the idea that I'm so embarrassingly fat. I don't want to have to even think about stuff like this. I want to be able to take my kids to do stuff without the fear of being too big, or someone weighing me and it humiliating me. My logical side.... I know that these people that run these zip lines, have probably seen all sorts of sizes of people, and don't know me, and probably wouldn't give me another thought once I'm gone.. but logic doesn't work when it comes to weight and body image. It just doesn't... for me anyways.

3. White Water Rafting - We are very close to the Ocoee River, which is an awesome white water rafting place. Besides the obvious being in a swimsuit issue, there's another major fear I have of doing this: "What if I fell out of the raft (which at some point, almost everyone does), and I couldn't pull myself back in.... and the guide wasn't strong enough to pull my beached whale ;) self back in?" The beached whale part is a joke... but really... I don't have enough arm strength to pull my water logged self back in... what if I EXHAUSTED myself and the guide trying to get back into the raft. I would be SO embarrassed. Also... what if the life jacket doesn't fit? I could imagine the guy getting the biggest one, trying to tie it around my large boobs/stomach, and then yelling to the other worker, "Do we have anything larger, I can't secure these straps!" I realize all of these fears center around me being embarrassed or humiliated... which are feelings... feelings I should be able to control... but I can't. I want to. I hope to one day... but so far... it hasn't happened.

4. Telling my husband how much I weigh - This one is ridiculous. I know it as I say it. The lengths I've gone to keep my weight a secret from my husband is exhausting, embarrassing, and almost hysterical. Before I got married, I cut out every single tag on every single piece of clothing so that my husband wouldn't see what size I was. I doubt he'd know what the sizes mean (especially in pants) even if he saw it. I now realize, he has never, would never, and could care less about taking the time to pull clothes out of my closet and look at the tag to see what size they are! All that effort, all that worry... such a waste of time... but so real to me. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh. Part of it is because he weighs 215 lbs! I weigh 265 lbs! What wife would want to admit she weighs that much more than her husband!?! NOT ME! I feel like, once I'm under 200lbs, I could say it. I could tell him. Not that he asks or pesters me about it... but I think about it... a lot. This has been such a controlling factor in my life, that I've missed out on a lot of good memories with my husband. I would never let him come to the first portion of the doctor visits for both of our babies, because I was scared the doctor would say something about my weight, or say how much I weigh, and Paul would hear it. I would come up with all of these excuses why he couldn't come to the visit or had to wait outside for the first portion. One time during the pregnancy, I got put in the hospital and Paul was with me. The nurse came in to ask the beginning questions... one of which I knew was going to be "how much do you weigh?" and I literally had a full blown panic attack. Paul had to leave the room. He got pretty irritated, and told me then that 1) he doesn't care what I weigh and 2) I needed to get over these irrational fears. I'm trying. I'm not there yet, because I still haven't told him what I weigh. Sometimes, I imagine myself telling him... how freeing it would be to just get it out there and never have to worry about covering it up again. I know this sounds like we have a terrible relationship... like I can't talk to him about things... but it's not his fault. He loves me. I know he loves me and wouldn't care what the number is. He's never made me feel bad about my weight/fat/size/looks. It's a personal thing that is causing the problem... not a relationship thing... I'm definitely going to set a goal so that I can check it off my list, and hopefully start making steps towards overcoming this fear. This one actually makes me emotional, even as I write it. And as I type this, I'm feeling the strong urge to text him right now and say "I weigh 265lbs." I almost just talked myself into it... then felt my heart start racing, my breathing getting uneasy, and everything feeling like it's closing in on me... No joke. I know, this sounds so weird.

OK so those are the things right now that my weight control. My weight did control my fear of doing active things (running, running a 5k)... but I dove head first into that, overcame the fears, and feel so proud/relieved. That's what I'm hoping is going to happen with the rest of these. So now, I'm going to head over to my goals page, and add a couple of goals in regards to overcoming these fears/insecurities! You can see the goals HERE

Probably the coldest run I've done...

I still don't understand why on the day of the 5k, it was 85 degrees... when the whole week before it was in the 50's, and today, it's in the 30's?! I had gotten used to the cool weather when running, so the fact that the sun was beating down on me and I was sweating gallons of water, made running a whole different experience. Yes, I'm still talking about the 5k Sunday, because YES, I'm still super excited about how fun it was and how proud I am!

So yesterday, as usual was very busy. I did stay on my calorie limit all day, and even though I was tired, once I nursed Wyatt, and fed the rest of the family, I asked Paul if I could go for a quick run. I had taken off Monday, so I didn't want to take off another day, because Wednesdays are typically completely full and I doubt I'll be able to ever run on a Wednesday. Thankfully, Paul let me, so I headed to the park at 7:30. It was 42 degrees, very windy, and almost dark. The cold was hard on my breathing, but it was nice to not be burning up or sweaty. Maybe the weather could be in the 60's sometime soon... I think that would be the perfect temperature to run. I only got in 2.5 miles, because I knew it was getting close to bed time for the kids, and I knew Paul would need help getting them all to bed. My legs were also really sore. All night actually... they throbbed in bed... all the way from my ankles to my upper thighs. I don't know if it's from Sunday, because the park last night was very flat. It made it really hard to sleep though. I  hope that that doesn't continue, because it would be hard not to get discouraged from the pain at night.

Normally, I weigh today, but I want to wait until Sunday to see if I meet my next goal - weigh 260lbs at Easter. I'm really starting to see a change in my body shape and in the way clothes are fitting, and it makes me VERY excited! I know that it's just daily, hourly even, decisions that will make these changes permanent and that will make me successful on this journey!

I wanted to finish with the pictures Isabella got yesterday from her school. Her Kindergarten pictures! I can't believe she is almost done with Kindergarten!!! It kills me how fast time is flying!!!! UGH! Isn't she just the cutest!!!

Less than a week to next goal/ running stats make me smile

So I completed my first goal of running a 5k this past Sunday! You can read about that in my post from yesterday. This upcoming Sunday, Easter, is my next goal. I really hope I can mark it off the list. Last time I weighed, I have about 9lbs to lose, which I know is a lot this week, but I'm hopeful. It helps motivate me to stay on track, not cheat, and work out. I didn't run yesterday, but I hadn't planned to. I was pretty sore from the mostly uphill 5k Sunday, and I had a doctors appointment that left me with a lot of pain throughout the evening. I'm feeling better today, and plan to figure out a way to work in a run/work out tonight. It's raining right now, but hopefully it will clear up.

I think it's totally hilarious how the weather has been . During most of my training for the 5k, the temperature was around 50-55 degrees, with a nice breeze, and some clouds. Sunday, the temperature was 85 (the hottest it's been since October), no clouds, and zero breeze. TODAY, 2 days later, it's 45 degrees and raining. HAHAHAHA... I think nature (and God) had a good laugh at my suffering from the heat Sunday. Or maybe it was just a way to show me that I CAN do anything I set my mind to :)

Something else I'm proud about... in March, I ran a total of 19 miles throughout the month of March. We are halfway into April, and I've already passed that mark! I'd love to be somewhere near the 30-35 mile mark by the end of this month, which should be totally doable for sure. I'm still coming off the "high" from the 5k Sunday and feeling so good about things. Yesterday, I didn't really stick to my diet.... and I binged twice during the evening on candy. It was totally emotionally based, after having a huge fight with my husband, but I'm trying to teach myself that being upset is NO reason to eat and stuff my face with candy, chocolate, or whatever the temptation is at the time. I'm learning that I am going to have to find a new way to cope with stress, pains, worries, fights... aka EMOTIONS :) I'm hoping that as I continue, running will be that coping mechanism that will work to fight off the urge to binge eat.

OK so the best part of today.... I'm capitalizing this entire next part because I feel like screaming it from sheer excitement... KATIE AT RUNS FOR COOKIES NOT ONLY REPLIED PERSONALLY TO MY EMAIL OF QUESTIONS A FEW WEEKS AGO, BUT USED MY POST ABOUT MY 5K ON HER MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY BLOG POST!!!!! If you don't know who, or what I'm talking about...  her name is Katie, and well in my mind, she's a celebrity haha. Her blog was the main reason I started losing weight, blogging, and running. Seriously, though. I ran across her page through pinterest, of all places, about 2 years ago, and I've been addicted to absorbing everything she writes about ever since. The fact that she has time to respond to the zillions of questions I sent her about the 5k was AWESOME! And I'm super proud/excited/PROUD that I made it onto one of her posts. I sound like a psycho stalker fan... I know. So anyways, if you don't know what I'm talking about, and want to know... you can go HERE

I FINISHED MY FIRST 5K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To give a little history on what got me to this point:

Last January,  I began the Couch to 5k training program, counting calories, and blogging about the experience. Everything was going great. I had a 7 month old at the time I started, and weighed right at 300 lbs. By the end of February, I was almost up to regularly jogging 3.1 miles and had lost almost 30lbs! Then, very unexpectedly, my husband and I found out we were pregnant again.... it was a shocker because I was still nursing my 8 month old and taking birth control religiously. So, I was devastated, and instead of continuing to eat healthy/run/workout... I shut down ,stuffed my face, and packed on the pounds. I have had very, very difficult pregnancies with my first two, so I was dreading this one, and had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I was going to have 2 kids under 2, and I felt like all of my dreams of getting healthy and running were out the window. 

Fast forward.. I had my sweet Oliver Wyatt this past October 2013. I adore him, and can't imagine my world without him, but adjusting to all the changes has been very difficult. This past year, my 5 year old started kindergarten, J.D. turned 1, and I had another baby. I'm also a full-time high school teacher. 

January 1, 2014, I decided it was time to start this whole weight loss process again, now that I'm not pregnant, and am for sure done with pregnancies :) So I started with the healthy eating habits first, and for a month and a half, kinda half-heartedly  stuck to that plan. I also started the couch to 5k program again. The first 2 months, I didn't do great on any of it. It's been really hard for me to find a schedule that works to work out, where my husband is willing to take care of all 3 kids, and where the timing fits with my nursing schedule. I still nurse 6-9x a day (baby is 5 months old). 

By March 1, though, something in my mind changed and I decided instead of just saying I was going to get healthy and lose weight, I set goals. Short goals, instead of just the "I need to lose 100 lbs" goal. So, my first 2 goals was to run a 5k by the end of April. In that goal, I wanted to run it in under 45 min, I didn't want to be the last person to finish, and I didn't want to stop or walk any of it. My other goal was to lost 25lbs by Easter. 

On March 10, I registered for my first 5k for April 12th. My husband decided to do it with me, and we decided instead of going to the gym, which was too difficult with kids, we would go to  a park or somewhere where the kids could play, and we'd take turns running while the other watched the kids. For the first 2 weeks, the most I could run was 1.5 miles... SLOWLY... and I still felt like I was going to die. I had no clue how I'd be able to get to 3.1 and I only had 2 weeks left before the race. So on a Sunday, I decided that I was just going to do it... do the whole 3.1 and see what happens... and I did! I did it in 46.24. My legs were super sore the next day, but other than that, I felt great (and proud). 

I've been running 3-4x a week, but doing between 2-2.5 miles. The next Sunday (the last Sun before the race), I did another 3.1 miles and did it in 42.46!!! 

So yesterday, it was 5k time. I was SUPER nervous. Several times I almost talked myself out of going. My biggest fears were that I would be the slowest and fattest person there, and that the "fit" people would look at me and think "what is she doing here, she doesn't belong here." I also have MAJOR anxiety about large groups (we're talking more than 3-4 people groups haha) of people/strangers. So we got our number and then sat for an hour waiting for it to start. They gave us ankle wraps that had something on it that tracked our time. During that hour, several funny things happened:

1. The announcer said that when we line up, anyone that thinks they will finish the race between 16-18 min needs to get up front. LOL I would finish a mile around 14 minutes if I go fast for me, so the fact that people will finish the entire 3.1 miles 2 minutes after that, was ASTOUNDING! 

2. We watched 2 guys run the entire course, about 20 minutes before they actually ran the course for real. No joke. And there wasn't a bead of sweat or ounce of redness in their cheeks. 

3. I looked around and saw lots of girls, in particular that looked EXTREMELY in shape..... by that, I mean they were skinny, and wearing actual athletic clothes (I'm still too big to buy real athletic clothes that are skin tight). And I thought, "I don't belong here." 

Thankfully, I didn't feel like people were judging me though, which was nice. And my husband was super supportive. 

Ok so the race started at 2. The course was through this retirement community/neighborhood. It was 85 degrees, sunny, and no shade. We had been running pretty flat courses, and in the evening when it was cool... plus... the last 3 weeks, it's been in the 50's. So, for me.. it was super hot, and super sunny... neither of which I had mentally prepared for. I also feel like I have to have layer upon layer of clothing to cover up my fat, so I was WAY overdressed. They also had one water station... 1.5 miles into the course (and that was it). The hardest part though, was that the first entire mile was uphill (they had warned us of that)... it was fairly steep, but there was not break to the incline... constant incline. The part they didn't warn us about was that at 2.5-3.0 miles, it was straight uphill.. major incline.... There were times where mentally, I wasn't walking, but I'm sure it looked like I was... i was moving my feet as fast as I could, and was barely getting anywhere. 

BUT I FINISHED! I NEVER WALKED and I NEVER STOPPED! And more importantly, I got over my fear of signing up for 5ks. I also found out that a lot of the girls that looked "athletic" or "in shape" were neither. I passed more people than I thought I would. There were a lot of people that started with a bang, and then were walking/panting halfway through it. I was amazed by the true runners though. It was laughable.... we were almost to the 1 mile mark on the large hill, and there were people coming down that hill finishing the last 10th of the race. That's amazing to me, how fast and in shape they are. Something to strive for, that's for sure. 

I finished in 46:20. I wanted to be under 45, but with the large hills, and the sun/heat... I'm just SO proud. I know that on a flatter course, I will be faster and as I continue to lose weight, it will get easier. Also, I have size 46DD boobs (that were also full of milk because I completely forgot I'd miss a nursing session, and didn't pump)... so it'll be SO NICE when I can run and not have that issue. 

I'm signing up for my next one in June! My goal is that within a year, I want to do a half marathon. The feeling I got when I crossed the finish line was just amazing... I teared up... and just felt so proud. That at my weight, I'm still accomplishing things. 

OH! I'm also 5lbs away from my Easter goal! In November 2013, I weighed 320lbs, and I'm currently at 269lbs! 

Pictures: Paul and I before the race, me finishing the race, and us right after the race. 

Spring Break - Finding Control

Well it's been over a week since I've posted on here about my journey. Most of the time, I do my writing during one of my free or planning periods at school. Last week was Spring Break, so I was home with my kids. I probably could have found time to write, but I didn't want to, because my kids kept me very busy and to be honest, I didn't want to have the accountability.

The last 2 weeks, I've been really struggling with my eating and my diet plans. It's weird... I have been doing great all day (breakfast, lunch, snacks, and then at dinner, I just want to binge out on whatever I'm cooking for the family... and after dinner.... I've been feeling this unbelievably crazy urge to constantly snack. Some nights... the good nights... I didn't give in to it. Other nights (most nights), I snacked on an Atkins bar (even though I'd already had 1 or 2 throughout the day) and Wheat Thins (which aren't even allowed on my diet, but I kept telling myself they're ok because they're "healthy" crackers). Stupid, I know. Then I beat myself up, and start all over doing the same stupid stuff again. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm glad for school to be back in session, because the schedule helps me have structure and helps me stay on my plan. This thought makes me nervous about the summer and lack of schedule.

I haven't gained any weight, but my weight loss hasn't been what I hoped it would be. Another thing I haven't been doing is logging my food in my Atkins app. I think that would help me too. I basically have a week and a half until Easter (my first goal weigh in), and I still have 11 lbs to lose. I'm not going to starve myself to do it, and if I miss that goal, I miss it, but I want to try my hardest. Tonight, I have volleyball, which feels like a good workout. I may try to get in a run after volleyball before I head home. We'll see.

Speaking of running... I am VERY happy with the progress I'm making there! In March, I ran a total of 19.2 miles (at 285-275 lbs)!! I know that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, that is the most I've probably ever ran in my life, and I'm proud! Also, I ran a full 3.1 miles the last two Sundays! The exciting part about that was my time difference/improvement in a week's time.

So, my first 3.1 miles I did in 46:24.... one week later, I completed the same amount in 42:43!!!!! This makes me SO happy because I was very nervous that I wouldn't be able to complete my very first 5k (this Sunday) in under 45 minutes (my goal). But now, after this past week, I feel like it's definitely more possible! I'm still very nervous about the 5k, and hope that I don't feel overwhelmed by all of the people there. I also want to try to find something to wear for Sunday... something that actually looks like athletic clothes and not like loose pajamas. 

Sometimes I still can't believe that at 270 something pounds, I'm jogging/running. Every time I start, the first 1/2 to 3/4 mile is TORTURE. I try to talk myself out of finishing and just quitting every time. I come up with every excuse from my knees hurt, to my ankles hurt, to it's hot, to I need to be playing with my kids.... it's crazy how my mind is. But then, while I'm coming up with those excuses, I focus on 2 main questions: 1) Am I struggling to breathe (am I winded), and 2) Do my legs hurt/feel tired. Everytime I ask those 2 questions, the answer is always no, which means, I should keep running. I don't feel winded or out of breath, and my legs don't feel like they're about to fall apart, so I figure I should keep going... and I do. By mile 2, I start realizing, that I'm not super exhausted, and that I'm more than halfway to my goal. I also start imagining myself crossing the finish line Sunday. I wonder if I'll be emotional, if I'll look completely exhausted, if I'll even care. I hope I care.... I hope I feel really proud. I don't really want to cry, but I'm not ashamed to. I hope I enjoy it and want to do another one soon.

Most important, though, I hope I continue on this journey. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be obese forever. I'm not going to have to wear plus size the rest of my life. I'm not going to look in the mirror and be ashamed. I'm not going to lay in bed beside my husband and try to find the perfect angle to lay where he can't feel/see every roll on my body. 

I am going to win this battle. 

Fitting in time to run

Yesterday, I knew I wouldn't have time to run. Wednesdays are very busy at my house! Once I get all of my kids picked up after work (my boys from my Mom, and Isabella from school), we get home about 4:15PM. I have choir and Isabella has piano/children's church at 5:50, so that gives me about an hour and a half to get everything done before we leave. In that hour and a half, I fix the older kids a snack, nurse Wyatt (and when I'm lucky, get him down for a nap), cook dinner, and try to straighten up the house. Between 4:15 and 5:50 is a complete blur. When we get home from all of the evening activities (about 7:30), I feed everyone dinner, do baths, clean up dinner, nurse Wyatt (story of my life!), and get everyone ready for bed. Some days, like yesterday, I told myself I'd go to the Rush after every is in bed and Wyatt is asleep (9:30), but by that point, I'm so tired... it never happens. So for the most part, I've resigned myself to the truth that Wednesdays... I'm not running. Which I think is ok. Mondays we run, and Tuesdays I get a lot of exercise doing volleyball.

This week, though, Paul and I have a 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner to go to tonight (Thursday). I don't want to miss 2 days of running, so I have dutifully packed my running clothes and am going to skip lunch hour and go to the Rush. I'll just eat in my office during my planning period the next hour. I'm not super excited about this plan because 1) I hate coming back to work stinky and sweaty, and 2) I'm going to have to shower and do my hair again this evening to go to the 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner tonight. I want to look nice because Paul and I rarely get to go out without the kids, and I know he'll be dressed nice. So, I'm going to force myself over to the Rush during lunch and try to get in at least 30 minutes of running, which should put me close to 2.5 miles (I hope!)

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday because I only lost 2 pounds this past week, and I really wanted to lose more than that. When I got home last night, I had a surprise that was VERY exciting! I had ordered some stuff off clearance from The Avenue (plus size clothes... one day, I hope I never have to say the word "plus size clothes" again). Since the stuff was on clearance, I ordered several pairs of pants in size 22 and one pair size 20. I figured, at some point, I'll lose enough weight to get into the size 20, and the size 22 should at least be able to zip up right now and should fit soon. I started in a size 24 (January/February). SO, I tried everything on, just for the heck of it. The size 22 pants fit GREAT... ALMOST LOOSE! And the best part.... I could get into and zip up the size 20 pants!!!! WOOOOO! They were still a little too tight for me to wear comfortably, it won't be long! I also got some 18/20 shirts (was wearing 22/24). They were pretty clingy (I don't like my rolls to just blatantly show), but I could wear them if I wasn't so self-conscious! So overall, I was SO surprised and happy! I guess even if I'm only losing a little at a time, my body is changing (probably thanks to the running!)

So that made me feel a lot better! Tonight, is the first party I'm attending since I've started Atkins and my weightloss journey. I'm hoping that they have some foods there that I can eat. If not, my goal is to not over eat (obviously), to not eat any dessert (even if the cake looks AMAZING), and to try to stay on track as much as possible! I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to talk to Paul before hand and remind him that this is important to me. I just don't want him offering me cake, and desserts. So here we go... going to fit in my running today!

2 pounds... feeling slightly discouraged

So today was weigh in day, and I'm pretty bummed. I lost two pounds... but I was feeling like it would be in the 4-5 pound range. I know that it's silly to be bummed about losing two pounds because for a week, that's good!... but I'm bummed. I feel like I'm working so hard and the weight is coming off SO SLOWLY! I  know, I know - it didn't all get put on over night and it's going to take a long time (if I do it the healthy way). I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing something so AMAZING and GREAT for myself and that the weight will come off and I will be healthy! It's just hard when there aren't big number changes every week.

Last night, was volleyball night. I played for 2 and half hours and I was WORN out, and also very sore! My legs, feet, ankles, knees... all of them.... hurt. It's weird, I'm not nearly as sore when I run, but when I play volleyball, I'm super sore. I think it's because the movements are so different, not consistent, and way more aggressive. I had a great time though! I'm so thankful to have been invited to that group by Amy because I really don't have any socialization time or girlfriends to hang with. It's always just me and the kids (and Paul when he's off work).

I need to run today. It's really, really cold outside (especially for Tennessee)... 20 degrees... and it SNOWED yesterday! It's almost April... and last week temperatures were in the 70's! Next week, the temperatures are supposed to be warm again, and it's Spring Break!!! So I'm hoping to get in a lot of good workouts next week. Tonight, I guess I'll have to run at the Rush. I haven't been there in SO long! I've been enjoying running outside with Paul and the kids. Hopefully, I'll find a time to run tonight. I'd really like to do 2.5 miles tonight... I hope! I just want to keep losing weight and stick to my goals. Some moments, it's so much harder than others. Right now, I'm feeling the struggle and frustration of my body not changing overnight, but I KNOW I can do it!!!!!

I have 3 and half more weeks to go until Easter (my first weightloss goal), and I have 12 more pounds to lose. that's 4 pounds a week, which seems super lofty after only losing 2 lbs this week, but that's my goal and I'm not changing it!