It's been a while

I know, it's been a while since I've posted. I just haven't been in the mood to talk about anything. I don't think I'm depressed.... but I'm definitely going through a slump, trying to get over finding out I'm pregnant and trying to move into the getting excited faze. I had a setback, too. I went to my doctor Monday for the first time, thinking that I was about 13-16 weeks pregnant... but I'm not :( I'm only 7 weeks pregnant. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. It now feels like the pregnancy is going to last FOREVER. They say I'm due November 4, but I had my other two kids almost a month early, so I'm expecting sometime in October. So here's the little ultrasound:

I know that this should probably get me excited.. but it doesn't. Probably because I'm not very far along in my pregnancy and it's just a tiny dot. The one thing that does make me happy is that it's only one dot... and not two... or THREE! I know that I'll get more excited. I think being so sick and tired isn't helping the situation either. 

One of the big let downs of this whole thing, is accepting the fact that right now, I can't lose weight, and I can run, but nothing like I was doing. I was so proud of myself for losing over 50 pounds and for running over 3 miles regularly. Those were things I never thought I'd be able to do, but I was doing it. It seems like this pregnancy just put a big HALT STOP CAN'T DO IT sign in my head. The doctor said I could still run, just not too strenuously, but I just haven't been able to get myself to do it. I feel like it's going to hurt, and I'm going to be slow, and it's going to be like starting all over, since I've taken 3 weeks off. And I'm SO TIRED all the time. JD doesn't sleep through the night yet, and even if he did, I still think I'd be tired. I think part of that is from all the throwing up and nausea I've been dealing with, and then nursing, and trying to feed myself, JD, and this new growing baby. I have one more month of nursing JD so hopefully it will get better after that. 

I am just counting down the days until this baby is here so I can start losing weight and exercising again! My doctor said she really doesn't want me to gain more than 20lbs this pregnancy. Which I'm TOTALLY fine with. That's excluding the water retention if I get Pre Eclampsia. With both of my other children, I got pre-eclampsia (it's seriously high blood pressure caused by the placenta that basically causes me to be induced... and it's very dangerous). Typically, the more times you have it, the more likely you are to get it. I don't have BP problems outside of pregnancy, but it gets bad during pregnancy. With JD, I was put on bedrest at 28 weeks... which was TERRIBLE! I'm praying that that doesn't happen this time. Anyways... when the Pre-E. kicks in, I start retaining water really really bad. I will gain a good 15-20 pounds in about a day from water retention/swelling. NO JOKE. But as soon as the baby delivers, it pretty much goes away. So the 20 pounds the doctor wants me to stay under, is excluding the water retention, because there's nothing I can do about that. The Pre-E is not preventable either, although I'm doing anything and everything I can from reading online to try and prevent it. Whatever happens, happens, I guess. 

So besides all of that, I've been slightly concerned about Isabella's weight. The doctor has never said anything negative about it, but I'm still concerned. She is tall, really tall for her age. I didn't realize it, until she gets around kids older than her. But she's also big... really big ... for her age.. and she carries a lot of her weight in her stomach. Anyways, I never want to say negative things to her, or talk about dieting. I don't even want to talk about exercising to lose weight. So I just decided, as the weather gets nicer, we are going to spend most of the day outside. Saturday, we spent all but 2 hours of the day outside, and Sunday we spent the whole day, excluding church/nap time outside. We played on the playground, did softball, rode the 4 wheeler. I think also, being out of the house, helps us both not want to snack (she's a snacker too). We already had emptied our house of most sweets, but I also went and bought a HUGE bowl of grapes and some pretty decent granola bars. When she wants something, instead of fish crackers, or a cookie, or something like that, I tell her to get some grapes. The first day, she got mad, but now she's fine with it. I'm hoping that this summer, we can change her habits, and shape her body a little better. I'm not obsessing about it, I just want to be a good Mom and have a healthy child. I don't want her to struggle with her weight and her body image her whole life, so I want to do what I can now to help that. Again, I think it's important that I never tell her, "let's go outside and play so we can exercise because we need to lose weight." I just say, "let's go outside and play." I also don't say, "eat some grapes because the other stuff is making you gain weight or is bad for you." I just say, "If you want something, there's grapes in the fridge. That's your only option right now." Here's some pictures from the weekend with the kids:

10 Weeks Pregnant.. or Something Like That

Hi friends! Just figured I'd hop in to give a little update. Last week, I got very VERY sick. I thought it was the pregnancy, but now that it's over, I'm not so sure. Starting about Thursday, I was extremely nauseous.... all the time. By Friday through all of Saturday I was throwing up pretty much constantly. Anytime I put something in my mouth, soon after, I would throw it up. It didn't matter if it was saltine crackers or a hamburger (the latter, I didn't actually try). My point is, I threw up... a lot. It was terrible. I was exhausted, I was empty of nutrition, and I was very frustrated! Thankfully, by Sunday, the nausea/vomiting had ended. One positive... I lost 5 pounds haha. :)

I feel great this week. Pretty good on energy and great on the stomach/eating/aching area. I'm slowly starting to get excited about being pregnant! I think I will really be excited after I go to the doctor on Monday for my first visit. I'm anxious to hear that I DO NOT have twins!!! (at least that's REALLY REALLY REALLY what I hope I hear). Once I have that appointment, and find out exactly how far along I am, I think it will be easier to get excited!

So this is how I looked the majority of last week. No Joke.

I pretty much just wanted to sleep. Laying down seemed to help with the nausea so that's mostly what I did. Thankfully, Paul was very kind about the whole thing and really helped with the kids. One day, I had just thrown up and came back to lay on the couch. JD had just woke up so I had him sitting beside me. I moaned really loud because my stomach was hurting... and this is what he started doing: 

LAUGHING AT ME :) Apparently he thought me being sick was very funny. How can you resist that face though? I just love him. 

I have been eating pretty good since my sickness. I'll admit, I've had ice cream a couple of times. After not being able to eat anything for several days, ice cream just sounded so good to me, and I felt like I deserved it after all that sickness :) 

Yesterday, I also did one of my new prenatal Yoga videos! I don't think it had but one.. ONE.. yoga move in it. The rest was pretty intense aerobic stuff that had my heart racing.

I think it was really good though and I felt good after doing it. Now that I'm feeling better, I also want to get back to running. I don't want to just stop that completely. I really hope that I can keep that up.... maybe not as long or as fast, but when I get done having this baby, I plan on getting right back on the wagon!

One funny thing I want to share. I don't remember what day, but Isabella came up to me in the kitchen and said, "Mom, your stomach is getting HUGE from that baby! WOW!" (again.. I'm maybe 3 months pregnant tops, so I'm not showing at all haha). I said, "Well thanks a lot Isabella." So then, 30 minutes later, she drew me an "I'm sorry/ Get Well" card. 

She said it's me and her and a flower and the sunshine :) She is so thoughtful :) 

One Week Since My Life Changed

It's been one week since I found out I was pregnant. I'm still not over the frustration of it. I am starting to get excited though. I think I would get over the frustration if I wasn't feeling so bad. I feel SO NAUSEOUS and SO HUNGRY all the time. I'm also on an antibiotic from the kidney infection and that has my stomach in knots as well :( I don't feel exhausted like I did when I was pregnant with JD... I just feel sick... pretty much all the time. And my sense of smell! It's RIDICULOUS. Last night, the small of raw beef as I was trying to fry it made me run to the bathroom... then I couldn't eat the dinner I had cooked... so I ate a bowl of cereal... that's all that sounded remotely appetizing. I just want to feel better. The only thing I'm clinging to is that normally after the first trimester it's not as bad, and I'm 9 weeks or so pregnant, so not much longer there. I go to the doctor a week from Monday for the first time.... that will be exciting.

Anyways, it's also been a week since I've ran. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I haven't wanted to do anything... I've also been really busy. I'd really like to lose another 10 pounds before I go to the doctor. I know... you're not supposed to lose weight when you're pregnant, but I really think it's going to happen. 1) because I'm going to start working out again (the dr. said I could), and 2) because I'm nursing still, and can't keep much down. I'd really like to keep my weight gain during this pregnancy under 25 lbs... if I do that, then when the pregnancy is over, I'll be about where I started when I started the weightloss journey this January.

So, other than that, I'll just update on my week. When I was at the doctor last Thursday, the nurse took my blood. This doctor's office has been terrible to me the last 3 weeks... too many things to explain.. but I will share this picture:

This is my arm.... a week later. I wish I would have taken a picture the day after. When she was taking my blood, she was already very rough, but she tried to take a phone call on her cell phone (from my OB, but STILL), and in the process, she dug the needle farther in then accidentally jerked it out. It hurt so bad. I was already crying from finding out I was pregnant, so I guess she thought nothing of it. She said, " Sorry that might've hurt a little, but it's fine." She then tried to pull the cotton swab off of it, but when she did it was literally pouring blood. UGH. And for the next 3 days, I couldn't extend my arm all the way... no joke. That top bruise is where the needle was in. The bottom bruise I guess was caused by the trauma to the vein. I will NEVER go back there. EVER. 

Anyways, my kids have been extra sweet/fun the last couple of days. I'm trying to treasure every moment I can get with them, since things are about to get more hectic and crazy! Especially with Isabella, since she's going to kindergarten next year. I let her and JD take a bath together and JD loved it! He loved being out of his little tiny baby bath :) 

Then Bella decided she wanted to wear her footed pajamas from her grandma! It was cold outside but I knew it wouldn't last long. 

Sometime in the middle of the night, she took it off and got "naked" (just panties) because she was hot. She for the most part sleeps without any clothes on... even when it's snowing/freezing outside!

Paul and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary on Tuesday. We have had a lot of changes in our lives in 2 years. Essentially... 2 babies in 2 years haha.... well 2 and a half years. WOW! We went to Outback thanks to a gift card I had received from work. We had to take the kids, but they were SO good, and the food was SO GOOD (my stomach didn't appreciate it about an hour later though). 

Just one more picture I want to share... mostly so I have it somewhere and don't lose it cause I think it's hilarious. Sunday after church, we had several house showings, so we had to take the kids with us (during their usual nap time). So I looked back during the drive to one of the houses and saw this: 

This whole picture cracks me up. She always sleeps in the car like that, with her legs spread as wide as possible, and her mouth wide open.... typically with drool coming out. HAHA. I love her so much though! 

Ok so anyways, this week. I want to try to eat healthy and keep my calories under 2,100. I think this is a good calorie range for being pregnant and nursing. But mostly, I'm just going to eat good choices when I'm hungry and when I can stomach it. Right now, I'm way under 2,100, but I'm trying. I'm also going to try and work out (not necessarily run), but exercise, at least 4 times this upcoming week. 

Everything is Changing

Hello everyone... or myself, since I'm pretty sure I'm one of 3 people that read this. I haven't written in a week, because I wasn't even sure if I was going to continue this blog. It really seems kind of pointless now. I've been having problems with my kidney (my left one)... with chronic urinary tract infections/kidney infections. Now, more than ever, I'm convinced that these problems are caused or partly caused by the severe pre eclampsia that I had with both of my children. I may talk about all of that on another day, and the research I'm doing.

Anyways, last Thursday, I was at the doctor for yet another kidney problem, and I was informed that I am 8 weeks pregnant! This was a shock to me because I have been on birth control ever since JD was born, I have been nursing, and I have not had a period yet. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I still have moments where I tear up about it and get angry about it. I will love this baby, and I will get excited, but sometimes, it's hard.

I think this is the hardest part... recognizing that this dream of losing weight, is not going to happen right now. I was really getting excited about my running goals, and about the weight I was losing. It really sucks that I have to stop losing weight. REALLY SUCKS! And it will be close to February ... close to a year... before I can really start back. The doctor said I could run... and so I plan to still run... not as hard, not as fast, and not as long... but I do plan on exercising. I also plan on eating healthy (I am 5 days out from having any diet cokes and very very little caffeine). I also plan on doing anything I can do to increase my chances of preventing pre eclampsia with this baby. I believe it is possible to prevent it. Doctors won't say that, but after a lot of research, I think I can at least significantly increase my odds.

I think I'm going to try to keep up with this blog. Obviously, the topics will shift a little. I still do want to eat healthy.. now more than ever.. and I want to consistently exercise. I would like to keep my weight gain for the entire pregnancy below 20 pounds. I know that this is ok health wise because of my current weight.

So that's that. I don't really have much more to say about the topic right now. Maybe I'll get more excited and talk more about all of it soon. I hope I have a healthy/easy pregnancy, and I hope I have a healthy baby. This is most definitely be the last one... so maybe, just maybe, I can experience one normal pregnancy.

Finding out some new Information

So today has been kinda relaxed, and completely crazy all at the same time at work. There are a lot of students gone because of a basketball tournament, but there were some students... 2 in particular .. that I'm fairly certain went off the deep end. Anyways, I had some time to read some blogs today and I ran across a new one that had some great information. HERE IT IS if you want to check it out. She has lost over 100 pounds and she did it pretty much the same way I'm trying to do it. I don't know why I enjoy reading other people's inspirational stories so much.. but I hope   KNOW that I will also have the same inspirational story one day! It also had this site that allowed me to find out some information about what I should be doing calorie and goal wise.

***
UGH I tried to embed it here, but I can't figure out how to get it to work, so I'll just have to share the information. OK, according to where I am right now here is what I found out:

Basic Metabolic Rate (based on height, weight, age, activity level)
Maintenance: 2,344 Calories
Fat Loss: 1,993 Calories
Extreme Fat Loss: 1,758 Calories

So, I'm actually doing about what I thought I should be doing. I'm mostly eating about 1,800 calories so I'm right in between the Extreme and the Fat loss. It does make we want to move down to the 1,700 calorie range, but I think I'm doing good either way.

Ideal Body Weight (based on height, weight)
146-151 lbs

I literally don't remember a time when I've been under 200 lbs. But the exciting part about this to me, is that in 2 more pounds, I will be exactly 100 pounds away from my ideal body weight!!! 100 pounds is a ton, but it's nice to know soon I won't have over 100 pounds to lose!  That may sound weird to some of you, but to me, it's exciting, and important.

I'm really glad I found that girl's blog today because I was needing some motivation. The last two days I've been struggling with wanting to binge every other second. I've been SO STRESSED OUT with so many unknowns and changes in my life. It's been really hard to cope, because my normal coping method would be to eat. I haven't eaten great today, but I'm still under my calorie limit, so now I'm more motivated than ever to finish the day STRONG (within my calorie range and go to run).

Tomorrow is weigh in day. It's another time where I don't expect to lose weight. I really won't be surprised if I've gained. But, it's not going to stop me and I am going to continue losing weight!

I have a 3 and a half month goal set, now that I'm certain I'm going on my family cruise in June. I want to be under 200 pounds by the time of the cruise. That means in the next 4ish months, I will need to lose 50 pounds! I know this is possible and I plan on doing it!!!!!!!!!

Interviews and Buying a House

Good Morning everyone! I'm hoping today is a GREAT DAY! I'm so very very anxious/nervous/excited. I have an interview this afternoon for a middle school math teaching position. I'm really anxious to get a job offer so that I know where I'll be teaching next year. I'm not very good with changes, and the unknown. Right now, pretty much in every area of my life, I'm going through changes: new job, selling/buying a house, my daughter starting softball and kindergarten next year, this new weightloss/exercise journey. It's all scary and fun!

Once again, I didn't get to have my kidney ultrasound yesterday. There was insurance problems. I could go on and on about that and how stupid the people at the doctor's office are... but I'm going to refrain. Last night, I had to finish tagging all of my kids clothes for the Consignment Sale (it starts Saturday WOO HOO!)

Tonight, I made this lovely dish for dinner :)

It was very yummy and under 300 calories!!!! Well.. under 500 calories when you add the bread haha. You can find the recipe for it here. I also treated myself to ice cream from Sonic last night. My first ice cream from Sonic since January!!! I saved up enough calories yesterday for it....it was SO worth it! I should've taken a picture!! :)

I didn't work out yesterday, because I was tooooooo sore still.. and I had a lot to do. I probably won't work out tonight, because I have an interview then Isabella has softball tryouts. I do plan to work out tomorrow night! Hopefully my run will be good. 

OK, well I'll have more to update about tomorrow after everything tonight. Have a great day everyone!!!

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry I don't blog on the weekends. I don't take my laptop home (because there's something wrong with the battery and once it dies it's very hard to get it back on...), so I only blog when I'm at work (during my planning period or before school starts). So Monday is always a BIG catch-up day about what I did throughout the weekend. I know I spent a lot of time on my blog last week complaining! I hate that I complained so much, because that's not normally the type of person I am. I was having a TERRIBLE week for so many reasons: very sick, bad eating/exercising week, didn't get the job I wanted, problems with students, etc.

But THIS WEEK, I just know it's going to be a good one! We made an offer on a house last week... one that we BOTH love (which is a big deal because so far, Paul has been VERY difficult). We will find out by Wednesday if the offer was accepted. There are 4 other offers on the table, so who knows what's going to happen. I also have an interview this week, and next week for teaching jobs. OH and Isabella starts softball tomorrow!!!!!! This is her first organized sports activity! I'm excited and I hope she loves it!!!! I think she's excited too ;)

OK, so let's catch up on the weekend. It's hard to remember all the way back to Friday, but I'm going to try. I don't remember eating very healthy Friday. Nope.. I didn't. We had Chinese for dinner... it was SO GOOD, but SO HIGH in sodium. I did stay under my calorie count though, so I'm satisfied with that. I was so glad it was Friday because last week had been so long. I hadn't worked out since Monday and I really wanted to work out Friday.. but I didn't. Tues-Thurs I was still too sick to work out, but Friday... I really had no excuse. I made up for it the rest of the weekend though. I enjoyed Friday evening at home with my kids and Paul.

Bella thought it would be hilarious to put a girl headband  on JD :)

Saturday, Paul was off and the weather was finally starting to clear up (no rain!). I went to Walmart with both kids at 7 AM, because we were all awake, so I figured, let's just get it over with. GREAT TIME TO GO... there was a total of 5 cars there! WOO! Paul went and worked out while we did that. I also went to a consignment sale! I love buying my kids clothes at consignment sales because you can get great clothes and a  GREAT price! That afternoon, Paul let me go running while the kids were napping! I went with the plan to get in 4 miles before it got dark, if possible. That was going to be a huge task because 1) I hadn't ran since Monday, and 2) I've never ran more than 3 miles, and I was EXHAUSTED!

Well, I was able to run 3.40 miles in 41:55. I finished 3 miles right under 38:00 which was 2 minutes faster than the last time I ran 3 miles!!! I was SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!

I also burned 550 calories!!!! I didn't hurt all over too bad... I had blisters on my feet, but other than that, I wasn't too sore... and I was SO PROUD! I still am. That's the longest and fastest I've ever run! When I went home, it was time for dinner, but I wasn't hungry at all, so I had a bowl of cereal and treated myself to some toast with chocolate PB2 (it came in a few days before and I was dying to try it). 

It was SO good... and rich... and sweet tasting... and fulfilling... and I could go on and on :).. AND LOW CALORIE (I almost forgot the best part). 

Sunday after church it was BEAUTIFUL outside!!! In the 60's and sunny! Paul offered to let me run at the Greenway while the kids played at the playground. I wanted to get in a full 3 miles again but it was SO HARD! It's weird how the day before it was so easy. On this run, though, I felt like I couldn't breathe and like my body was falling apart. I couldn't get below a 14 min/mile pace (normally I'm around a 12:20 pace). It was so frustrating. I tried to push myself harder, but I couldn't breathe and everything hurt. I guess it's probably because I ran so hard the day before. I got back to the playground and had .30 miles left to go to get to 3 miles, but I just couldn't do it. The last .40 miles, Isabella ran with me (she saw me coming), so I had to slow down. I was still going SO slow before that though. I'm glad I ran... but I wish it would've been easier! 

Today, I'm SO SORE. I was super sore last night too. My legs are hurting so bad.... and my abs?! I don't know why they're hurting, but they're hurting really bad. One of the blisters on my foot has turned into a blood blister (gross I know). I'm definitely going to have to take off today, and I'll probably be too busy to run tomorrow... but my body probably needs it. Hopefully, I'll be able to run Wednesday and it will go well. I'm really proud of myself this weekend though, on both my eating/calories and running. I'm excited for my weigh-in Thursday!!!!!!

Hope everyone had a good weekend :)

Sleep Deprived and Super Anxious

Here is a great example of the type of week I've had:

This morning, I drove to the Imaging Center to have the ultrasound done on my kidney. I walked in, gave her my name, and she said, "We don't have you scheduled." I said, "Yes you do.Today, February 25th and 9:AM". To which she replied, "Yes, we have you scheduled for that..... but today is the 22nd." THIS LITERALLY HAS BEEN WHAT MY WEEK HAS BEEN LIKE!

My students were terrible yesterday. TERRIBLE! I watched one student draw on my wall, and when I said something to him in front of the class, he told me he wasn't drawing on my wall... he was tracing a drawing that was already there (this is a HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT, mind you). When I pressed the issue, he said to me... and I quote... "I didn't draw on your wall, so this conversation is over." Who's the teacher?!?! I let him have it, which is not my personality, so I got very anxious, queasy, and let's face it... shaky. I hate that I'm like that.. but I hate confrontation. I also hate that a lot of kids these days don't know anything about respect. 

ANYWAYS... soon after that, I found out that I didn't get the teaching job I really wanted next year. And on top of it, the lady didn't even have the decency to call and tell me... I had to find out online. So now... I have to start doing other interviews with schools I didn't really want. I assume that God has a bigger plan for me, but I hate rejection and I hate when plans don't go as planned (it's always been a personal problem I struggle with). 

The only exciting thing... was that we made an offer on a house that we love last night. I'm praying and praying we get it. It's a short sale (pre-forclosure), so the decision will be made quickly.. but there are 3 other offers on it as well. So who knows. I REALLY WANT IT THOUGH! I'm nervous, excited, and anxious. I was up doing all the paperwork until almost 11 last night because my scanner was being a PAIN. 

OH, one more thing. JD is teething again, I think. Last night, he went to bed at 10 (normally at 8). At 11:30 (15 minutes after I laid down), he started crying and wouldn't stop. So I nursed him. He slept until 1 ish and then was up crying/fussing/biting everything in sight from 1 until 2:45. I had tried everything (including letting him scream for 30 minutes which is hard because he shares a room with Isabella). At 2:45 I finally put him in his swing, turned on cartoons, and went to bed. He fell asleep about 5 minutes after that. Apparently, while I was asleep, Isabella got up, heard the cartoons, and laid on the couch to watch them. At 3:30 (45 minutes after I laid down.. I was DEAD ASLEEP TOO)... she literally comes SCREAMING into our room saying the TV is going crazy and scaring her... she was hysterical. (She had sat the on the remote accidentally and it changed the channel to a channel that didn't have a signal so it was making a very loud, distorted noise). Her screaming woke both Paul, myself, and JD up in a frenzy. So JD was crying. I dealt with him for 30 more minutes, and at 4 AM, FINALLY laid down for more than 30 minutes and got a good 2 and a half hours of sleep in. So I'm tired! I'm anxious about this house! Oh one more thing.. JD has a doctor's appointment today after work.. and is getting shots. LOL I think God is laughing up in the sky at me right now ;) 

OK this is supposed to be about weightloss. I haven't eaten much of anything today, because I've been too busy. I forgot my water jug at home, so I haven't had any water either. So my calories are definitely fine. I really plan on running tonight... I'll probably have to wait until Paul gets home, and hopefully he'll be willing to watch the kids. It's been 4 day since I've ran. I have to force myself to do it tonight!I also forgot to set out the meat for dinner... I thought about it all morning until I actually got into the kitchen. 

So...how's your day been?!

Weekly Weigh-In and Kidney Infections

This has been my WORST WEEK so far as far as running and healthy eating/staying under my calories goes.   :( I had been doing really good with my eating, and staying in my calorie range, but I've been SICK... really sick... and very busy, which means I ate out way more than I should. More on that in a little bit. Since I've had JD, I've had 4 kidney infections, and 3 bladder infections. (all diagnosed by a doctor). It SUCKS. It hurts really bad... both in the bladder area and in the kidney area. When the pain starts, I get panicky because I know what's coming. I know I shouldn't get that way, but I can't help it. It's SO FRUSTRATING. I don't know what's causing them. I thought it was artificial sweetener, but about 3 months ago, I took that out of my diet... and yesterday I just got treated again for a kidney infection that I had been fighting off for 2 weeks. :( It's also not the new eating/working out. These were happening back in September/October, before I started all of this. FINALLY THOUGH... I've had enough infections in a short period of time that they've referred me to a specialist! Tomorrow I have an ultrasound of my kidney to hopefully figure out what's going on. I'm not even that nervous because 1) you can live with only 1 kidney LOL and 2) I'd rather figure out what's wrong then keep getting so sick and having to get REALLY PAINFUL SHOTS. 

So this was my day yesterday.....

Once I finally was able to go to the doctor it was SO MUCH BETTER. They've been treating me enough for these that they know that oral antibiotics just make me throw up (literally). So I got one very large Rocephin shot, and a very painful strong painkiller shot (for the kidney pain). And this (the picture above) was pretty much how I looked afterwards too (so sleepy)... except my makeup wasn't still as pretty haha

ANYWAYS, I ran Thursday, Saturday, and Monday since my last weigh-in. 3 days isn't terrible.. but I didn't get in 3 miles on any of those runs. I really need to start pushing myself to get from mile 2 to mile 3 and just finish it! I did get to run outside 2 of those 3 times, so that was nice. I decided I don't have to push myself to do weights right now... I think running is definitely making my entire body sore. I would have ran last night... Wednesday is normally my easiest time to run, but I was still so sick, sore, and tired. I plan on running tonight... maybe if Paul comes home early I can do it outside and get in the full 3 miles!

OK, so WEEKLY WEIGH-IN!!!! I have actually lost almost 5 pounds since last Thursday!!!!!!! I'm really starting to wonder if my scale isn't accurate?!

 I did check it with my Mom's scale and she says hers is accurate, but I really expected to gain weight this week! The only reason I can think of that I might have lost this much was that for the last 4 days I have drank enough water to drown myself, trying to get rid of this infection... and the last 2 days, my appetite has been down. So maybe I did lose 5 pounds. I was happy to see that number, and see myself getting SO CLOSE to the 240 range.. I just hope the scale's right. I think after work I'm going to go buy a newer/little nicer one, just so that I can have peace of mind. I know I'm losing weight... that's not the question... I just wonder if I'm actually almost in the 240's. I don't know if that makes sense? Either way, this was WAY BETTER than I expected, and you won't find me complaining about any amount of weightloss ;)

That's my happy face for losing weight instead of gaining. It was also 6:40 AM, so I'm still in my morning wake up puffiness. ;) The exciting part about this picture for me though... is I CAN SEE MY COLLAR BONE! So silly... but for me.. so exciting!

One last thing... I've been feeling like one of my biggest temptations in regards to going over my calories (besides every sweet imaginable...), is eating out. I, and my family, eat out WAY too much. 2-3 times a week for dinner, and 2-3 times a week for lunch. Most of the time lunch is Subway, so that's not terrible. But dinner is NEVER GOOD.. mostly MEXICAN! It's always been this way because 1) we're busy and out a lot and 2) I don't really enjoy cooking so when Paul suggests going out I'm like DUH OF COURSE! So.. I think lent has already started... and I'm not Catholic, but I've really been thinking about this, and I've decided I'd like set a lofty LOFTY goal for myself.

My Goals:
1. Work out at least 4 times this week (run 3 miles each time)
2. No eating out (lunch, dinner, Subway) until after Easter.

For #2, I understand that sometimes that's going to be really hard... and I'm not going to impose it on my whole family.... but if I'm with them, and they decide to go out, I'm going to just wait until I get home to eat. I know that no matter what I eat at home, it's not going to have nearly as many calories as what I would eat out. I know you're probably thinking, "Why not just make a healthy/good choice when eating out?" Well... because I can't  don't. I probably could.. and sometimes I say I will, but I never do. And as I'm starting to learn (like with the cookie dough I had to throw away), until I can control the urge/temptation to eat what I used to eat and what I love at restaurants, I just need to not go.

5 WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT A POST!!!!! A LOT TO CATCH UP ON!

I KNOW, I KNOW... I haven't been on here since THURSDAY! We had a long weekend (no work from Friday-Monday) because of President's Weekend. Oh the joys of being a teacher!!!! I did find out, though, that being home all day does not make it easy when trying to not eat JUNK and to not over-eat. Let's just say, Friday, Saturday, and let's face it, most of Sunday... I ate TERRIBLE!!! Friday and Sunday, I went over my allotted calories. Saturday, I was lucky because I ran so that helped account for the overage of calories I ate. It wasn't just that I went over my calories... I ate ridiculous stuff. Stuff that I knew I shouldn't eat.

But let's catch up on the week. Friday was a blur. I don't even remember most of what I did. I know I went to Subway with my Mom for lunch with all of the kids (4 all 5 and under). It was hectic, and I ate more than I should have. Then there was a basketball game that night that I had to work.. and my other worker's cancelled. So I didn't get to eat until around 8:30 PM and I picked up Wendy's.... fries, and a chicken sandwich. Those were the first french fries I've had since January 1. UGH!

Saturday, I did pretty good. It was REALLY COLD outside Saturday. I did a lot of cleaning around the house and trying to get some things organized for our BIG MOVE (we are moving within the next 4 months). That evening, Paul's parents invited us over for dinner. I was thankful for that because 1) I'm not used to her style of cooking, so I typically don't overeat, and 2) I didn't want to cook. :) The only problem was that I hadn't worked out since Wednesday and I KNEW I had to work out. I was really proud of myself. It was 30 degrees and VERY WINDY, but as soon as we got to Paul's parents, I ran the streets all around their house. I actually really enjoyed it. The streets didn't have too many hills, and it was a nice change of scenery. It's SO MUCH EASIER for me to run outside compared to on a treadmill. I didn't get in 3 miles, because it got dark, and the area they live in is a little scary once it's dark. I'm still amazed that I'm able to run at all, let alone 2-3 miles, fairly easily!

The hair is crazy because I had to wear the hoody super tight on my head because it was so cold!!!

I was really happy with this run. I maintained a 12 minute pace which is down 3 minutes from the pace I had been doing, and I burned 373 calories!!!!!! :)

Sunday, I didn't work out because I was tired, and I didn't have a lot of time that day. We had church, then lunch, then we looked at a house we are thinking about buying. Paul and Josh went to work out, so I had the kids. Then we went to my parents for dinner. I did good all day until I got there! She made this AMAZING stromboli and I also had a KAZILLION cookies! It was like I'd never had a cookie before. Oh well, that day is over. I did terrible, but I decided Monday would be better... AND IT WAS!

Monday, I was off again, so I spent most of the morning tagging my kids clothes for the consignment sale I sell their used stuff in. They were great yesterday morning and it was so sweet watching them. I have to share this little picture of how sweet they can be. Isabella made a pallet on her floor and read JD a book :)

Isn't that ADORABLE!!!!  Once we finished that, we left to go to the gym. I had both kids so I knew I was going to have to run on the stupid treadmill at the gym. I was dreading it. On the way there, my Dad invited Isabella over to help him in the yard, so I decided I would take her over there and try my hand at running with JD in his jogging stroller. 

It was HARDER than I expected it to be. Pushing him meant I couldn't move my arms, which made it difficult. Pushing him also made me slower... I tried to maintain the pace I've been keeping, but it wore me out so quickly. I was able to keep a 13 minute pace, but I was SO TIRED after 2 miles. It was also a lot more windy than I thought it was going to be! JD was great, but I was tired, cold, sore, and winded. 

It was not an enjoyable run. I was able to run 2 miles, and keep it under 30 minutes, so I was happy with that. I burned 365 calories, so that was GREAT!  There are some considerable inclines in their neighborhood and pushing JD added weight. So overall, I was satisfied with that... and a little nauseous. I didn't feel great after that run at all.... I felt like I was going to throw up. Thankfully, I didn't, and I got over that about an hour later. 

After I got done with the run, I chalked with Isabella and then we flew a kite!!!! It was so great to get to spend some time with my kids!!!!!

Yesterday, I also stayed under my calorie allotment!!! I feel like I was back on track yesterday, and I fully plan to stay on track today! One thing I do want to talk about really quick, is the realization that there are just some things that I'm not allowed to have in my house. Last week, I bought a package of the chocolate chip cookie dough that you just break off and put in the oven.

 I bought them because Paul loves them and I thought it would be nice treat to make for him and the kids one night. I bought them with the full intention of not giving in to the temptation. They sat in the fridge 2 days before I caved. Within 2 days, I had eaten 4 of the dough blocks (OVER 400 CALORIES!!!) I wish I had more control, but I don't! I did account for them in my calorie count and didn't allow it to put me over my calorie limit. That's the only positive. Besides that, I hate that I can't control myself when it comes to stuff like that. SO... sorry Paul and family, but no cookies for you. I threw the rest of the package away. I'm going to do whatever it takes to lose this weight, even if it means not buying that stuff until I can control myself. 

Weekly Weigh-in Day!!!! and the Ice-Cream temptation

Well today is my weekly weigh in. I really wanted to lose at least 5 pounds and be in the 250's this week. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it...... but.......

Sorry for the toenail... I don't have any nail polish remover :)

I DID IT!!!!!!!! I actually lost 7 pounds!!! Well almost 7 pounds, if you take out the .6, which of course, I do :) I'm so happy about that. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I've ran a total of 8 miles since my last weigh in... and for the most part, I've stayed within my calorie range!!! I really hope that this continues. I really hope that I can be under 200 by June (for the CRUISE!!!!!!!) Either way... this was an exciting moment!

Wednesday's are always a rush for me. I rush to get home from work, I rush to get dinner ready, and I rush to get Isabella to children's church. Last night was no different.. it was more rushed because Bella and I were making Valentine's gifts. So after dinner, I threw on my running clothes with no intention to run while Bella was at church. In fact, on the 15 minutes it took to drive her to church, I was thinking the whole time that instead of going to run (which I SO didn't want to do), I decided I would go to Sonic, get a banana split (something I used to eat all the time) and sit in my car and eat it. I had convinced myself to do that. I had justified it and was sure it was what I was going to do. Once I dropped Bella off, I headed towards Sonic, but then it was just like it hit me.... I HAD TO RUN. So I decided I would run, then go get ice cream after the run. So I ran in my Mom's neighborhood. It was colder than I realized and slightly hard to breathe. I also need new headphones... the little iPhone headphones keep falling out of my ears. Anyways... I had a really good run. 

I would've done 3 miles, but I ran out of time and had to go get Bella. And GUESS WHAT!!!?!?! By the time I was done running... I had ZERO desire for ice cream!!!!! YAY!  So I didn't ruin my calorie count and I overcame the temptation/addiction. I did hurry home to watch my guilty pleasure, American Idol :) I also rewarded myself with a whole grain english muffin with 1 tbs of natural peanut butter and a handful of chocolate chips. Tasted WAY BETTER than the ice cream, and was WAY LESS calories!!!!

YUM!!!!!

Of course, Isabella wanted them, and I didn't want to share. So, we compromised and I gave her a spoonful of peanut butter to lick. She was happy :)

T

Today is VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to give Isabella her gifts today! She goes to Mother's Day out, and she's excited to give her Valentine gifts to the kids there. She's so sweet. She also was excited to give her cousin Brook and her grandparents their gifts too :) I doubt Paul and I will do anything special tonight.. we have the kids. I plan on cooking (I don't really every look forward to cooking). BUT I don't have to work tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! So that's the best part!!!! :) Happy Valentine's Everyone! Here's a little morning pic of both my kids on Valentine's Day :)

OH and I almost forgot... As soon as I got to school, one of my students gave me a Valentine :) It's chocolates (TORTURE for someone trying not to eat stuff like that). You can have 3 for 130 calories so that's not terrible. I may give it to someone else though, so that I don't give in to the temptation of over eating. It was sweet of one of my students to think of me though! 

Today has been CRAPPY (and yesterday)

I know that I'm supposed to be talking about my weight loss and stuff, but sometimes I just need to vent. I have not had a very good week. Yesterday, I had an argument with my boss and I'm still very angry about it.  Then right after that, I had to kick a student out of my classroom because he was being SO TERRIBLE. I am not a confrontational person, and by the time I kicked him out, I was shaking, my pulse was racing, and I felt nauseous. I wrote the whole thing up, for the principal (my boss) to see, and guess what happened... a BIG NADA. Not surprising.

I did get to work out last night, but I had to run on the treadmill. It's SO MUCH HARDER than running outside... for me anyways. About 5 minutes in, I was already over it. I forced myself to get 2 miles in.. at 22 minutes. I burned almost 400 calories, so I was happy with that. My legs were super sore when I was done though. I think they should be more sore when I run outside, instead of inside, but it's the exact opposite for me.

JD woke up so many times last night.. I lost count. He's been sleeping through the night, so there had to be something wrong. I gave in and nursed him 2 of the times, but it made me so tired today. I'm glad I showered last night so that I could sleep a few more minutes today.

This was during his 3AM feeding. It's frustrating, but I know I'll miss it one day. 

Anyways, our driveway is not paved (among a list of about 1,000 I don't like about our house). This morning, it had been raining all night so it was gross out. While carrying JD out, I slipped in a mud puddle, and got mud all over me. So I had to put him in the car, go back in, clean up, and start to leave again, which made me late. So I couldn't nurse him and had to let him have a bottle. That was not the way I wanted to start my day.

I'm still waiting for a job I interviewed at to call me back. It's KILLING ME! I just want to know if I got the teaching position. It's a really great chance for me and I want it SO BAD! Every day it takes longer, I start feeling more and more like I'm not going to get it. :( I'm so anxious about that phone call.

We've found 2 houses that we really like (we are going through a lot of changes right now, one being trying to move). One I was SUPER EXCITED about.. just to find out that an offer had been made on both within the past 2 days. And I think the more this happens, the more Paul convinces himself that we actually have a great house (we don't) and that we really shouldn't move (we should). He has said that.. more than once.

Which leads me to Valentine's Day. I haven't gotten anything for Paul, and I don't really have the desire to. He hasn't gotten anything for me either (he never does until on his way home from work the night of Valentine's Day). The love is not really flowing right now between us. I know you go through highs and lows in a relationship, and we are definitely in a slump. I'm just tired of always being the one to move out of the slump. He's a wonderful man, and has been a wonderful father, and I know if nothing else, I can always love him for that. I just wish there was a spark, some romance, affection, or just plain attention that he could give to me... not just to the kids.

_________________________________________________________________
OK I'm done venting. I stayed under my calorie count yesterday by about 10 calories haha. And that was only because I ran. If I hadn't of ran, I wouldn't have because we went to Mexican last night! MY FAVORITE! and it's SO FATTENING ... what I eat especially. But I stayed within my calories, so I'm good.

I hope the rain stops because Paul is going to keep JD tonight, so if it's not raining, I'm going to run in my Mom's neighborhood while Isabella is at children's church. I'm going to shoot for 3 miles again. If it's raining, I'll have to go to the gym... and I doubt I'll make it to 3 miles. Just being realistic.

I'm excited to weigh in tomorrow and see how much I've lost. I sure hope I've lost something. It would be SUPER AWESOME if I'm out of the 260's and into the 250's, but that would mean 5 or more pounds so we will see.

The other big thing, is I've made my first "healthy" online order... if that makes sense. I have ordered PB2. It is powdered peanut butter. I got the regular peanut butter and the chocolate peanut butter. I've done a lot of research on it and read a lot of reviews. Everyone says it tastes better than regular peanut butter and is so good. It's also 45 calories a serving instead of the almost 200 calories regular peanut butter has. There are a lot of recipes for it to. If you just add water, you can make it whatever consistency you want (for spreads on bread, etc), or you can add the powder to things like smoothies, oatmeal, fruit dips, desserts, etc. It gives you a lot of protein with very little fat/calories. I'm excited to try it. I will post about it once it comes in and let you know what I think .

HAVE TO WORKOUT TODAY!!!!!!!!

So when I started this weight loss journey at the beginning of January, I was working out everyday for an hour. Literally, EVERY DAY. The last 2 weeks, I've been lucky to workout 4 out of 7 days. It gets in my head, because I know I'd be losing weight faster if I worked out everyday. But this morning, I realized that it's not just because I'm being lazy! It's because at the beginning of January, I was off for Christmas break (I'm a teacher). Now that I'm back at work, some days it's just nearly impossible... between work, my kids, and other obligations. So I'm going to shoot for a goal of 4-5 days of week. Paul and I both agree that working out on Saturdays/Sundays is a no brainer because even if the kids aren't behaving, we can take turns. So I just need to focus on getting in 2-3 more days. Wednesdays are good for me too, so really it's 2 more days... when I break it down like that, it sounds a lot easier!

I've stayed on my calorie count since Friday!!!!!! Staying between 1600 and 1800 calories!!!! I even ate one of my favorites last night! CHICKEN CASSEROLE!!!!! MMMMMM. One serving of it was 320 calories, but it was worth every single calories. I only had 2 bites of brown rice, and piled up on the broccoli, so overall it wasn't that bad of a dinner. I have been feeling like I don't have time for both my kids. I feel like I'm either dealing with JD and neglecting Isabella, or playing with Isabella and neglecting JD. In about 2 years, it won't be nearly as bad because they'll both be old enough to at least semi do the same activities. Anyways, I was feeling bad about it yesterday, so I let Isabella help me make the chicken casserole (it's her favorite meal). She did great and I'm so glad I included her!!

Paul went on and on about it tonight, how it was better than normal. She was very proud to tell him that she made most of it so that's why it tasted so much better ;) It was good. Sometimes I don't put enough salt and pepper in it, but this time, I think I did! 

This morning, my Mom told me she could tell that I'm losing weight! It's the first person that's acknowledged it! I can tell too! The sweater that I'm wearing today felt a lot looser! Also, this morning, I did something different for breakfast. I had been eating a candy bar, or granola bar, or something on the go that was semi-low in calories but not good or sustaining at all. Today, I went to subway right by my house on the way to work and picked up a "Mini Black Forest Ham, Egg White, and Cheese Flatbread" It was SO GOOD and only 180 calories!!! I know I can't do that everyday because I don't want to spend the money ($2.25)... but I'm glad I did it this morning. It showed me that it was less calories than what I had been eating, and I haven't felt nearly as hungry the hour before lunch! So I just need to come up with my own version to make ahead and freeze. Then I could bring it to school, and warm it up for breakfast. I'm going to try to do that sometime this week. 

Tonight, I have no idea what I'm cooking for dinner. I forgot to set out meat, and I forget to look at the menu. I have something planned but I don't know what. It helps when I know so that I can save however many calories I need for the meal. 

Today, I'm going to more than likely have to work out at the Rush... which I dread because the treadmill is SO MUCH harder than running outside. My goal is to do another full 3 miles on the treadmill. The most I've done is a mile and a half. So, that's my goal tonight. It should take about 43-45 minutes, and then I'll do arms/chest on the weights. I hope my kids behave for the hour it will take. 

I made banana pudding Sunday and it's SO YUMMY!!!! I don't think it's that terribly bad because I used sugar free everything.. but my other goal is to not have any of that today. Not even a lick! :) I'm excited for my weigh-in Wednesday. Wouldn't it be cool if I could lose 6 pounds and be under 260lbs?! My goal is to lose... but 6lbs would be AWESOME!. 

I RAN 3 MILES!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, this post deserves all caps!!)

I'm writing on my iPhone, so Monday or tomorrow when I'm in front of a computer, I will definitely write more. I just didn't want to forget this feeling.

For the first time ever in my life, ran 3 miles!!!! And I did it in 39:40!!! My goal was to do it in under 40 min and I actually felt like that might be an unattainable goal... But I DID IT!!!! At most, I've ran a little over 2 miles and that was Sunday! I'm so proud of myself!

This is me after the run. I was TIRED :)

Paul suggested I try it today. He dropped me off at the Greenway and took the kids to the other end where the playground is. It's 3 miles... With HILLS TOO! I don't think he expected me to be able to do it. About a mile and a half in, I didn't expect me to finish it. But I did!!! When I got there , he said, "you should be really proud of yourself." And I stopped and took it in and I was really proud of myself... I even flat tears coming on but I choked them back because I knew Paul would definitely make fun of me.

So taking inventory of my pain (hahaha) y feet hurt REALLY bad... Not all over, just certain parts. The worst part is my right big toe... No clue why. I can already tell my knees are going to be creaking tomorrow. And I'm 99.999% certain I will get lower leg cramps tonight. But... My legs are supporting 260 something pounds right now. I can only imagine how much easier that will be when I'm half this size!!!

Tonight, I feel confident. Confident that I can lose weight. Confident that I can meet my goal of being a size 14/16 by June. And confident that I can become a runner.

Overcoming Binge Eating

So, I've been reading a lot about binge eating... thanks to some very informative posts over at Runs for Cookies . She says that it is an actual eating disorder and talks a lot about her struggle with binge eating. I don't know that I have the disorder, but a lot of things she's written in her journal about binge eating have really hit very close to home.

She talked about how it's not just over eating, but it's letting food control every thought you have. I definitely struggle with that. Since I've been making changes in my life, both with better eating and exercise, it has been getting better. I think part of the problem is that if I don't allow myself foods that I like (namely, sweets), I will binge on them, whenever given the opportunity. We have gotten rid of those sorts of things in the house for that very reason, but it is still a struggle when I'm anywhere else. I will talk more about that in a second.

Another struggle I am trying to overcome is trying to hide my eating, or sneak food. It's like I don't want anyone to see me eat something that could be perceived as unhealthy or fattening, so I try to hide it. I don't want to do that, because that also sends me down the road of eating too much of the same stuff. I don't know if that makes sense? If I can get over my fear of what other people think, and just eat a normal portion of whatever, even if it's cake... that's much better than waiting until I'm alone, and eating 3 normal portions of the same cake (which is what I would used to do).

Thinking about habits I've had in the past about makes me sick and makes me want to cry. My entire day would be planned around food. When I was eating lunch, I would be planning in my head what kind of dessert I would eat or what I would pick up on the way home from lunch. I would literally get excited for my kids to take naps so that I could watch tv and gorge myself on something sweet. I know... that's really pathetic, but it's true. I decided at the beginning of this, that when my kids are asleep, or when I'm alone, I'm not eating... if at all possible. Obviously, sometimes it's meal time and I have to eat. But when the kids are napping is never an eating time, and until I can feel like I have control of that, it's just a NO ZONE.

Back to the binge-eating and the struggle when I'm places where I can't control what's in front of me. I went to my Mom's house yesterday to pick up my kids. JD was still asleep, and Bella was watching a movie. Mom had gone to pick up Brook so I was all alone. When I first came in, I immediately noticed there was food in the microwave. Food in the microwave is ALWAYS some sort of dessert. Even though I'm overcoming temptations, my brain has been trained when I walk in her house to immediately look at the microwave for desserts, so that's what I did. Anyways, I opened it to see if was chocolate iced eclairs! And they looked GOOD! I closed the microwave and walked away, desperately wanting one. I took a bath to try to get it out of my mind. I wasn't even hungry when I got to her house, but now I thought I was FAMISHED and the only thing that would satisfy that was 5 or 6 chocolate eclairs. So I thought and thought about it. Finally, I decided... instead of torturing myself, and more than likely binge eating when I got home because of it (I was already thinking about what I would replace those missed eclairs with when I got home)... I decided I would have one. But ONLY ONE. Normally, I'd have 3 in the 30 minutes I was there. And I put it in my phone and looked at how many calories it would cost me before I had one. I accounted for it on my calorie count, and knew that it meant I would have to eat lighter at dinner. So I opened the microwave, cut one in half and started with just that. I enjoyed every single bite. The icing was so good, the eclair filling was better than normal. There were 9 and a 1/2 more staring at me. I closed the microwave and sat down. I still didn't feel satisfied, so I opened it up and took one more bite, leaving about a quarter of the eclair left. And I felt satisfied. AND I STOPPED. I didn't even eat a whole one. I ate until I was satisfied and then I stopped. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, because that's the first time in a long time that I've faced a temptation like that, had enough that my stomach/mind felt satisfied, and then stopped. I changed the calorie count on my app, because like I said, I didn't eat the whole thing. This probably seems silly, and tiny to you... but for me.. it was a BIG MOMENT. A moment where I was in control, not my addiction to food/sweets. A moment where I was able to eat something I love, without it costing me all of my calories, or without binge eating it.

And... TA-DA.. I stayed within my calorie range yesterday! I don't feel bloated today. I feel GREAT! I worked out last night and had a good workout over all. I need to work a little more on my endurance in running (time/distance), but it'll get there.