My grandfather

My sweet grandfather passed away last night about 8:00 PM. He was a wonderful man and has left behind an amazing legacy. The last month of his life was full of suffering and pain for the entire family (especially my Mom and Grandma), so I'm thankful that this time of suffering is over. Because of everything that has been going on, I've had to put myself and this weight loss journey on the back burner. I've been doing pretty good eating, but we've had to eat out a lot because of schedules and helping out the family and what not. I did get in 2 runs this past week, but I was hoping for 4-5 each week. It just hasn't happened. I'm going to try and continue to try to eat as healthy as possible, and keep my calories in check this week. I doubt I'll get to run any though. We've been under a tornado watch the last 24 hours, that I think will continue until the end of tomorrow. Then we'll head into the weekend and have the viewing, funeral, etc.

Next week, my family already planned to go to Disney World before all of this happened.... so I won't get much of an opportunity to run that week, and who knows what my eating options will be like. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses... but I'm tired, and I don't really want to think about trying to always find healthy/low calorie options when I'm constantly tired/in a rush. Thankfully, even though I've been pretty emotional, I haven't felt the need to go and gorge myself on sweets or something unhealthy... I haven't really over eaten at all. I hope to control that through all of this.

So, my posts my be few and far between the next week.... mostly because I don't think I'll have much to talk about in regards to weight loss or meeting my goals. When I get back from Disney, hopefully, I will not have gained weight, and I plan to pick up where I left off.

Quick update

I haven't been able to post this week, because I've been WAY to busy/overwhelmed. My grandfather (my Mom's Dad) is about to pass away. Mostly from old age/heart failure. We've known it's coming, but the time is here. Hospice critical care has been called in and they're giving him 24-48 hours to live (although they said that Tuesday, and here we are Friday). Anyways, because of that, my Mom has gone up to stay with and help the family full-time until he passes. She takes care of my boys during the day while I teach (I pay her.. .kind of like a nanny, but a GREAT one). So now, I have both boys, no babysitters, and a very full schedule. Thankfully, my Dad is the principal of the high school I teach at, so he's allowed me to bring the boys to school with me. To say that that has been the most difficult part of my work day is an understatement. Trying to teach, get stuff done in the office, and keep the boys happy/settled, has been exhausting.

We spent 3 hours at the allergist with Isabella this week too. She is going to have to have a full back test (where they prick her back with about 38 different allergens to see what and how bad she's allergic to each). I'm dreading that day. They put her on 5 different medications until the tests.

ALSO, our van died Monday. We put it in the shop. Got it Tuesday, it died again Wednesday. We put it in the shop. Got it back last night... you guessed it... DEAD again this morning :(

SO, I haven't ran since my running with the deer post. My eating has been decent, but only because I've been too busy taking  care of everyone to eat. I have been eating really unhealthy though when I do eat. I'm also constantly fighting the urge to gorge myself with chocolate and diet cokes to help cope with the stress. Normally, I'd run to cope with the stress, but NO TIME. 

OK I'll try to post more later. I did change and update my goals page... and my weekly weigh-in page!

Running with the deer

Yesterday was a tough day... My daughter, Isabella, has very severe allergies. She had been seeing an allergist since she was 3 that I just wasn't happy with. Last week, her pediatrician referred her to a new allergist that she gets to see today! The only problem... they wanted her off all meds starting this past Friday. By Sunday, she was having a severe allergic reaction. Chattanooga is in the top 5 worst places to live in regards to allergy and pollen. So without any meds, she really had a tough time. Around 1 AM Monday morning, Isabella woke up in tears and so much pain. She had a rash all over her body and her eyes were killing her. So I decided to go ahead and give her medicine. When I got her up for school, her eyes were swollen shut. It was the worst I have ever seen it. I almost started crying because I felt so bad for her pain. It took about 20 minutes to get her eyes opened, and they looked terrible all day. I ended up taking her to school with me and letting her watch Frozen in my office all day ;)

Once I left work... my van died (with all 3 kids in it!). So I spent the next two hours getting it to the shop very slowly, then getting a ride, with my kids, home. For the record, this is the third time we've had it in the shop this month... I don't even want to say how much we've spent the last month on the car :(

So needless to say, yesterday was NOT my day. When Paul got off work, we had to drive about 20 minutes to his parents house to pick up/borrow their truck. I had stuck to my diet all day, and really wanted to run, so I decided I would run down there... even though I was hot, tired, and NOT in the mood. I'm SO GLAD I did! I run in the Chickamauga Battlefield, and got to enjoy the beautiful scenery... INCLUDING DEER!!!! I also kept a really good pace!

I feel back on track now and am excited for the weigh in Wednesday and get focused on this journey again!

I don't even want to talk about it...

I don't even want to talk about the weekend, because I said I wouldn't lose control through the holiday.... but I, unfortunately lost control. Obviously, in losing control, I did not meet my goal of weighing 260lbs by Sunday! I gained 1 lb!!! UGH! Actually... I'm shocked that it wasn't more like 10-15 lbs... that's how much I ate, and how gross it felt to eat that much. This isn't going to be a totally negative post because there were some great moments from this weekend. So I'll try to get through it all as quickly as possible.

First, and almost MOST important... I can cross another goal of my list that I successfully completed! This is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I TOLD MY HUSBAND HOW MUCH I WEIGHED! If you don't fully understand why this is exciting/important, you can read about this issue HERE . But I talked to him about my fears of him knowing, and about how crazy I've been trying to hide/cover it up over the years, and that I just want to be free to let that fear go and trust that he'll love me. So I told him. He didn't say he was shocked that it was that high, or low, or that I looked about that weight. He said it was amazing that in 5 months I've gone from 320 to 270 and that he is SO proud of me. He also said that I need to make sure I'm not doing this for him, but for me... which I think I am. He also told me he loved me no matter what size I am.... while that's still hard for me to believe, I'm trying to tell myself that daily.

SO that was great to check that off the goal list! Another exciting thing... I wore a dress for Easter that I haven't been able to fit into since before I had JD (that's almost 4 years ago!). YES, I wore spanx with it ;) but that was mostly because I just wanted to make sure nothing was "falling out." :) The dress was a size 22W, which is what I wear, but it is pretty fitted and straight cut! I was so excited! I was nervous getting ready to put it on Sunday, because I wasn't sure it would fit and hadn't thought about the possibility of it not fitting and what I would wear if it didn't.

I didn't run any this weekend. I just didn't have time. My grandfather (Mom's Dad) is about to pass away, so she was up there almost the entire weekend taking care of him. Paul had to work Saturday, so I had the kids for the Easter Egg Hunt and all the preparations for Sunday. Sunday, we normally do a huge family dinner, but my Mom normally does it at her house. Since she's been so overwhelmed... I volunteered to do it. So I had TONS of cleaning and cooking to do Saturday and Sunday. We had a great time with our family, but I just couldn't/ didn't control my eating.

 I don't want to focus on it too long, because I want to dust myself off and get started again. The kids and I baked cookies (which I ate tons of), and a cake (which I ate and licked tons of). There's really no way to sugar coat it. I ate crap from Friday-Sunday, with ZERO self control. I feel embarrassed, disappointed, and ashamed, but again... just going to start fresh today. I just want to be able to control those urges and to overcome the temptation to always eat and always eat SO much!




So tonight... I'm going back to eating my healthy, "diet" food for lack of  a better word. I had been trying to eat smaller portions of whatever I cook the family.. but that's not working. The portions keep getting bigger and bigger. And also, time for running again :)

Fears/Insecurities from my weight

I was reading another blog this morning, and stumbled across a picture of her and her husband wearing what looked like zipline harnesses. Just seeing that picture, made me start thinking about all of the fears and insecurities I have because of my weight, that I am SO excited to be done with FOREVER. I wanted to write about some of the crazy insecurities and fears I have, so that 1) when I look back, I'll remember how ridiculous they were and 2) so I can set some goals in regards to these fears and hopefully start living life to the fullest as I continue this weight loss journey.

1. Fear of Roller coasters - I've always said I was scared of roller coasters, or any type of thrill ride that does the slow up hill then CRASHING down movement. I've used that as my excuse for years as to why I don't ride roller coasters or thrill rides. While I am scared of the slow up/crash down movement, after a lot of hard thinking and really looking at it, I realize this isn't the full truth. I've ridden a few roller coasters, thanks to my husband, and have loved them. What I remember from the experience, though, was the extreme, I mean extreme panicky feeling I get when standing in line... worrying about 2 things... "Will I be the fattest person on this ride?" and "Will the harnesses fit over me?" Crazy huh?! But the fear is paralyzing. I've never told anyone that, not even my husband. I realize that that is the majority of the reasons why I won't get on those rides... because I'm scared I won't fit and will be humiliated. I know I'm not overweight to the point that I shouldn't fit, but I also have huge boobs, and more importantly, a LOUD mind that makes these insecurities SO real that I can't enjoy things I should be enjoying. SO, I'm excited to be a size where that would be impossible to be a fear. Where I would know, for certain, that I will not be too fat for a roller coaster. I'm not sure what kind of goal I'm going to set in regards to this, but I'm going to come up with something to celebrate overcoming this obstacle.

2. Zip lining/Fear of being weighed publicly - We have several zip lining courses through the mountains in my area, and it looks like SO much fun! There's also lots of coupons for them. ALSO, they allow anyone over 6 to go, which means Isabella could go. The problem... you have to be weighed, before you go, to have the harnesses attached correctly. The weight limit is usually no more than 280lbs, so I actually could do this already. But the thought of probably very athletic guys/girls weighing me, and seeing that I weigh almost 270lbs makes my heart pound. It won't happen. The thought of my husband being there, even more humiliating (I'll talk about this more later). I think it would be SO FUN to do this, and something Isabella and I could do together... but once again... my weight is holding me back. Well not really my weight... but my insecurity about my weight and the idea that I'm so embarrassingly fat. I don't want to have to even think about stuff like this. I want to be able to take my kids to do stuff without the fear of being too big, or someone weighing me and it humiliating me. My logical side.... I know that these people that run these zip lines, have probably seen all sorts of sizes of people, and don't know me, and probably wouldn't give me another thought once I'm gone.. but logic doesn't work when it comes to weight and body image. It just doesn't... for me anyways.

3. White Water Rafting - We are very close to the Ocoee River, which is an awesome white water rafting place. Besides the obvious being in a swimsuit issue, there's another major fear I have of doing this: "What if I fell out of the raft (which at some point, almost everyone does), and I couldn't pull myself back in.... and the guide wasn't strong enough to pull my beached whale ;) self back in?" The beached whale part is a joke... but really... I don't have enough arm strength to pull my water logged self back in... what if I EXHAUSTED myself and the guide trying to get back into the raft. I would be SO embarrassed. Also... what if the life jacket doesn't fit? I could imagine the guy getting the biggest one, trying to tie it around my large boobs/stomach, and then yelling to the other worker, "Do we have anything larger, I can't secure these straps!" I realize all of these fears center around me being embarrassed or humiliated... which are feelings... feelings I should be able to control... but I can't. I want to. I hope to one day... but so far... it hasn't happened.

4. Telling my husband how much I weigh - This one is ridiculous. I know it as I say it. The lengths I've gone to keep my weight a secret from my husband is exhausting, embarrassing, and almost hysterical. Before I got married, I cut out every single tag on every single piece of clothing so that my husband wouldn't see what size I was. I doubt he'd know what the sizes mean (especially in pants) even if he saw it. I now realize, he has never, would never, and could care less about taking the time to pull clothes out of my closet and look at the tag to see what size they are! All that effort, all that worry... such a waste of time... but so real to me. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh. Part of it is because he weighs 215 lbs! I weigh 265 lbs! What wife would want to admit she weighs that much more than her husband!?! NOT ME! I feel like, once I'm under 200lbs, I could say it. I could tell him. Not that he asks or pesters me about it... but I think about it... a lot. This has been such a controlling factor in my life, that I've missed out on a lot of good memories with my husband. I would never let him come to the first portion of the doctor visits for both of our babies, because I was scared the doctor would say something about my weight, or say how much I weigh, and Paul would hear it. I would come up with all of these excuses why he couldn't come to the visit or had to wait outside for the first portion. One time during the pregnancy, I got put in the hospital and Paul was with me. The nurse came in to ask the beginning questions... one of which I knew was going to be "how much do you weigh?" and I literally had a full blown panic attack. Paul had to leave the room. He got pretty irritated, and told me then that 1) he doesn't care what I weigh and 2) I needed to get over these irrational fears. I'm trying. I'm not there yet, because I still haven't told him what I weigh. Sometimes, I imagine myself telling him... how freeing it would be to just get it out there and never have to worry about covering it up again. I know this sounds like we have a terrible relationship... like I can't talk to him about things... but it's not his fault. He loves me. I know he loves me and wouldn't care what the number is. He's never made me feel bad about my weight/fat/size/looks. It's a personal thing that is causing the problem... not a relationship thing... I'm definitely going to set a goal so that I can check it off my list, and hopefully start making steps towards overcoming this fear. This one actually makes me emotional, even as I write it. And as I type this, I'm feeling the strong urge to text him right now and say "I weigh 265lbs." I almost just talked myself into it... then felt my heart start racing, my breathing getting uneasy, and everything feeling like it's closing in on me... No joke. I know, this sounds so weird.

OK so those are the things right now that my weight control. My weight did control my fear of doing active things (running, running a 5k)... but I dove head first into that, overcame the fears, and feel so proud/relieved. That's what I'm hoping is going to happen with the rest of these. So now, I'm going to head over to my goals page, and add a couple of goals in regards to overcoming these fears/insecurities! You can see the goals HERE

Probably the coldest run I've done...

I still don't understand why on the day of the 5k, it was 85 degrees... when the whole week before it was in the 50's, and today, it's in the 30's?! I had gotten used to the cool weather when running, so the fact that the sun was beating down on me and I was sweating gallons of water, made running a whole different experience. Yes, I'm still talking about the 5k Sunday, because YES, I'm still super excited about how fun it was and how proud I am!

So yesterday, as usual was very busy. I did stay on my calorie limit all day, and even though I was tired, once I nursed Wyatt, and fed the rest of the family, I asked Paul if I could go for a quick run. I had taken off Monday, so I didn't want to take off another day, because Wednesdays are typically completely full and I doubt I'll be able to ever run on a Wednesday. Thankfully, Paul let me, so I headed to the park at 7:30. It was 42 degrees, very windy, and almost dark. The cold was hard on my breathing, but it was nice to not be burning up or sweaty. Maybe the weather could be in the 60's sometime soon... I think that would be the perfect temperature to run. I only got in 2.5 miles, because I knew it was getting close to bed time for the kids, and I knew Paul would need help getting them all to bed. My legs were also really sore. All night actually... they throbbed in bed... all the way from my ankles to my upper thighs. I don't know if it's from Sunday, because the park last night was very flat. It made it really hard to sleep though. I  hope that that doesn't continue, because it would be hard not to get discouraged from the pain at night.

Normally, I weigh today, but I want to wait until Sunday to see if I meet my next goal - weigh 260lbs at Easter. I'm really starting to see a change in my body shape and in the way clothes are fitting, and it makes me VERY excited! I know that it's just daily, hourly even, decisions that will make these changes permanent and that will make me successful on this journey!

I wanted to finish with the pictures Isabella got yesterday from her school. Her Kindergarten pictures! I can't believe she is almost done with Kindergarten!!! It kills me how fast time is flying!!!! UGH! Isn't she just the cutest!!!

Less than a week to next goal/ running stats make me smile

So I completed my first goal of running a 5k this past Sunday! You can read about that in my post from yesterday. This upcoming Sunday, Easter, is my next goal. I really hope I can mark it off the list. Last time I weighed, I have about 9lbs to lose, which I know is a lot this week, but I'm hopeful. It helps motivate me to stay on track, not cheat, and work out. I didn't run yesterday, but I hadn't planned to. I was pretty sore from the mostly uphill 5k Sunday, and I had a doctors appointment that left me with a lot of pain throughout the evening. I'm feeling better today, and plan to figure out a way to work in a run/work out tonight. It's raining right now, but hopefully it will clear up.

I think it's totally hilarious how the weather has been . During most of my training for the 5k, the temperature was around 50-55 degrees, with a nice breeze, and some clouds. Sunday, the temperature was 85 (the hottest it's been since October), no clouds, and zero breeze. TODAY, 2 days later, it's 45 degrees and raining. HAHAHAHA... I think nature (and God) had a good laugh at my suffering from the heat Sunday. Or maybe it was just a way to show me that I CAN do anything I set my mind to :)

Something else I'm proud about... in March, I ran a total of 19 miles throughout the month of March. We are halfway into April, and I've already passed that mark! I'd love to be somewhere near the 30-35 mile mark by the end of this month, which should be totally doable for sure. I'm still coming off the "high" from the 5k Sunday and feeling so good about things. Yesterday, I didn't really stick to my diet.... and I binged twice during the evening on candy. It was totally emotionally based, after having a huge fight with my husband, but I'm trying to teach myself that being upset is NO reason to eat and stuff my face with candy, chocolate, or whatever the temptation is at the time. I'm learning that I am going to have to find a new way to cope with stress, pains, worries, fights... aka EMOTIONS :) I'm hoping that as I continue, running will be that coping mechanism that will work to fight off the urge to binge eat.

OK so the best part of today.... I'm capitalizing this entire next part because I feel like screaming it from sheer excitement... KATIE AT RUNS FOR COOKIES NOT ONLY REPLIED PERSONALLY TO MY EMAIL OF QUESTIONS A FEW WEEKS AGO, BUT USED MY POST ABOUT MY 5K ON HER MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY BLOG POST!!!!! If you don't know who, or what I'm talking about...  her name is Katie, and well in my mind, she's a celebrity haha. Her blog was the main reason I started losing weight, blogging, and running. Seriously, though. I ran across her page through pinterest, of all places, about 2 years ago, and I've been addicted to absorbing everything she writes about ever since. The fact that she has time to respond to the zillions of questions I sent her about the 5k was AWESOME! And I'm super proud/excited/PROUD that I made it onto one of her posts. I sound like a psycho stalker fan... I know. So anyways, if you don't know what I'm talking about, and want to know... you can go HERE

I FINISHED MY FIRST 5K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To give a little history on what got me to this point:

Last January,  I began the Couch to 5k training program, counting calories, and blogging about the experience. Everything was going great. I had a 7 month old at the time I started, and weighed right at 300 lbs. By the end of February, I was almost up to regularly jogging 3.1 miles and had lost almost 30lbs! Then, very unexpectedly, my husband and I found out we were pregnant again.... it was a shocker because I was still nursing my 8 month old and taking birth control religiously. So, I was devastated, and instead of continuing to eat healthy/run/workout... I shut down ,stuffed my face, and packed on the pounds. I have had very, very difficult pregnancies with my first two, so I was dreading this one, and had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I was going to have 2 kids under 2, and I felt like all of my dreams of getting healthy and running were out the window. 

Fast forward.. I had my sweet Oliver Wyatt this past October 2013. I adore him, and can't imagine my world without him, but adjusting to all the changes has been very difficult. This past year, my 5 year old started kindergarten, J.D. turned 1, and I had another baby. I'm also a full-time high school teacher. 

January 1, 2014, I decided it was time to start this whole weight loss process again, now that I'm not pregnant, and am for sure done with pregnancies :) So I started with the healthy eating habits first, and for a month and a half, kinda half-heartedly  stuck to that plan. I also started the couch to 5k program again. The first 2 months, I didn't do great on any of it. It's been really hard for me to find a schedule that works to work out, where my husband is willing to take care of all 3 kids, and where the timing fits with my nursing schedule. I still nurse 6-9x a day (baby is 5 months old). 

By March 1, though, something in my mind changed and I decided instead of just saying I was going to get healthy and lose weight, I set goals. Short goals, instead of just the "I need to lose 100 lbs" goal. So, my first 2 goals was to run a 5k by the end of April. In that goal, I wanted to run it in under 45 min, I didn't want to be the last person to finish, and I didn't want to stop or walk any of it. My other goal was to lost 25lbs by Easter. 

On March 10, I registered for my first 5k for April 12th. My husband decided to do it with me, and we decided instead of going to the gym, which was too difficult with kids, we would go to  a park or somewhere where the kids could play, and we'd take turns running while the other watched the kids. For the first 2 weeks, the most I could run was 1.5 miles... SLOWLY... and I still felt like I was going to die. I had no clue how I'd be able to get to 3.1 and I only had 2 weeks left before the race. So on a Sunday, I decided that I was just going to do it... do the whole 3.1 and see what happens... and I did! I did it in 46.24. My legs were super sore the next day, but other than that, I felt great (and proud). 

I've been running 3-4x a week, but doing between 2-2.5 miles. The next Sunday (the last Sun before the race), I did another 3.1 miles and did it in 42.46!!! 

So yesterday, it was 5k time. I was SUPER nervous. Several times I almost talked myself out of going. My biggest fears were that I would be the slowest and fattest person there, and that the "fit" people would look at me and think "what is she doing here, she doesn't belong here." I also have MAJOR anxiety about large groups (we're talking more than 3-4 people groups haha) of people/strangers. So we got our number and then sat for an hour waiting for it to start. They gave us ankle wraps that had something on it that tracked our time. During that hour, several funny things happened:

1. The announcer said that when we line up, anyone that thinks they will finish the race between 16-18 min needs to get up front. LOL I would finish a mile around 14 minutes if I go fast for me, so the fact that people will finish the entire 3.1 miles 2 minutes after that, was ASTOUNDING! 

2. We watched 2 guys run the entire course, about 20 minutes before they actually ran the course for real. No joke. And there wasn't a bead of sweat or ounce of redness in their cheeks. 

3. I looked around and saw lots of girls, in particular that looked EXTREMELY in shape..... by that, I mean they were skinny, and wearing actual athletic clothes (I'm still too big to buy real athletic clothes that are skin tight). And I thought, "I don't belong here." 

Thankfully, I didn't feel like people were judging me though, which was nice. And my husband was super supportive. 

Ok so the race started at 2. The course was through this retirement community/neighborhood. It was 85 degrees, sunny, and no shade. We had been running pretty flat courses, and in the evening when it was cool... plus... the last 3 weeks, it's been in the 50's. So, for me.. it was super hot, and super sunny... neither of which I had mentally prepared for. I also feel like I have to have layer upon layer of clothing to cover up my fat, so I was WAY overdressed. They also had one water station... 1.5 miles into the course (and that was it). The hardest part though, was that the first entire mile was uphill (they had warned us of that)... it was fairly steep, but there was not break to the incline... constant incline. The part they didn't warn us about was that at 2.5-3.0 miles, it was straight uphill.. major incline.... There were times where mentally, I wasn't walking, but I'm sure it looked like I was... i was moving my feet as fast as I could, and was barely getting anywhere. 

BUT I FINISHED! I NEVER WALKED and I NEVER STOPPED! And more importantly, I got over my fear of signing up for 5ks. I also found out that a lot of the girls that looked "athletic" or "in shape" were neither. I passed more people than I thought I would. There were a lot of people that started with a bang, and then were walking/panting halfway through it. I was amazed by the true runners though. It was laughable.... we were almost to the 1 mile mark on the large hill, and there were people coming down that hill finishing the last 10th of the race. That's amazing to me, how fast and in shape they are. Something to strive for, that's for sure. 

I finished in 46:20. I wanted to be under 45, but with the large hills, and the sun/heat... I'm just SO proud. I know that on a flatter course, I will be faster and as I continue to lose weight, it will get easier. Also, I have size 46DD boobs (that were also full of milk because I completely forgot I'd miss a nursing session, and didn't pump)... so it'll be SO NICE when I can run and not have that issue. 

I'm signing up for my next one in June! My goal is that within a year, I want to do a half marathon. The feeling I got when I crossed the finish line was just amazing... I teared up... and just felt so proud. That at my weight, I'm still accomplishing things. 

OH! I'm also 5lbs away from my Easter goal! In November 2013, I weighed 320lbs, and I'm currently at 269lbs! 

Pictures: Paul and I before the race, me finishing the race, and us right after the race. 

Spring Break - Finding Control

Well it's been over a week since I've posted on here about my journey. Most of the time, I do my writing during one of my free or planning periods at school. Last week was Spring Break, so I was home with my kids. I probably could have found time to write, but I didn't want to, because my kids kept me very busy and to be honest, I didn't want to have the accountability.

The last 2 weeks, I've been really struggling with my eating and my diet plans. It's weird... I have been doing great all day (breakfast, lunch, snacks, and then at dinner, I just want to binge out on whatever I'm cooking for the family... and after dinner.... I've been feeling this unbelievably crazy urge to constantly snack. Some nights... the good nights... I didn't give in to it. Other nights (most nights), I snacked on an Atkins bar (even though I'd already had 1 or 2 throughout the day) and Wheat Thins (which aren't even allowed on my diet, but I kept telling myself they're ok because they're "healthy" crackers). Stupid, I know. Then I beat myself up, and start all over doing the same stupid stuff again. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm glad for school to be back in session, because the schedule helps me have structure and helps me stay on my plan. This thought makes me nervous about the summer and lack of schedule.

I haven't gained any weight, but my weight loss hasn't been what I hoped it would be. Another thing I haven't been doing is logging my food in my Atkins app. I think that would help me too. I basically have a week and a half until Easter (my first goal weigh in), and I still have 11 lbs to lose. I'm not going to starve myself to do it, and if I miss that goal, I miss it, but I want to try my hardest. Tonight, I have volleyball, which feels like a good workout. I may try to get in a run after volleyball before I head home. We'll see.

Speaking of running... I am VERY happy with the progress I'm making there! In March, I ran a total of 19.2 miles (at 285-275 lbs)!! I know that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, that is the most I've probably ever ran in my life, and I'm proud! Also, I ran a full 3.1 miles the last two Sundays! The exciting part about that was my time difference/improvement in a week's time.

So, my first 3.1 miles I did in 46:24.... one week later, I completed the same amount in 42:43!!!!! This makes me SO happy because I was very nervous that I wouldn't be able to complete my very first 5k (this Sunday) in under 45 minutes (my goal). But now, after this past week, I feel like it's definitely more possible! I'm still very nervous about the 5k, and hope that I don't feel overwhelmed by all of the people there. I also want to try to find something to wear for Sunday... something that actually looks like athletic clothes and not like loose pajamas. 

Sometimes I still can't believe that at 270 something pounds, I'm jogging/running. Every time I start, the first 1/2 to 3/4 mile is TORTURE. I try to talk myself out of finishing and just quitting every time. I come up with every excuse from my knees hurt, to my ankles hurt, to it's hot, to I need to be playing with my kids.... it's crazy how my mind is. But then, while I'm coming up with those excuses, I focus on 2 main questions: 1) Am I struggling to breathe (am I winded), and 2) Do my legs hurt/feel tired. Everytime I ask those 2 questions, the answer is always no, which means, I should keep running. I don't feel winded or out of breath, and my legs don't feel like they're about to fall apart, so I figure I should keep going... and I do. By mile 2, I start realizing, that I'm not super exhausted, and that I'm more than halfway to my goal. I also start imagining myself crossing the finish line Sunday. I wonder if I'll be emotional, if I'll look completely exhausted, if I'll even care. I hope I care.... I hope I feel really proud. I don't really want to cry, but I'm not ashamed to. I hope I enjoy it and want to do another one soon.

Most important, though, I hope I continue on this journey. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be obese forever. I'm not going to have to wear plus size the rest of my life. I'm not going to look in the mirror and be ashamed. I'm not going to lay in bed beside my husband and try to find the perfect angle to lay where he can't feel/see every roll on my body. 

I am going to win this battle. 

Fitting in time to run

Yesterday, I knew I wouldn't have time to run. Wednesdays are very busy at my house! Once I get all of my kids picked up after work (my boys from my Mom, and Isabella from school), we get home about 4:15PM. I have choir and Isabella has piano/children's church at 5:50, so that gives me about an hour and a half to get everything done before we leave. In that hour and a half, I fix the older kids a snack, nurse Wyatt (and when I'm lucky, get him down for a nap), cook dinner, and try to straighten up the house. Between 4:15 and 5:50 is a complete blur. When we get home from all of the evening activities (about 7:30), I feed everyone dinner, do baths, clean up dinner, nurse Wyatt (story of my life!), and get everyone ready for bed. Some days, like yesterday, I told myself I'd go to the Rush after every is in bed and Wyatt is asleep (9:30), but by that point, I'm so tired... it never happens. So for the most part, I've resigned myself to the truth that Wednesdays... I'm not running. Which I think is ok. Mondays we run, and Tuesdays I get a lot of exercise doing volleyball.

This week, though, Paul and I have a 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner to go to tonight (Thursday). I don't want to miss 2 days of running, so I have dutifully packed my running clothes and am going to skip lunch hour and go to the Rush. I'll just eat in my office during my planning period the next hour. I'm not super excited about this plan because 1) I hate coming back to work stinky and sweaty, and 2) I'm going to have to shower and do my hair again this evening to go to the 50th Wedding Anniversary/Vowel Renewal/Fancy dinner tonight. I want to look nice because Paul and I rarely get to go out without the kids, and I know he'll be dressed nice. So, I'm going to force myself over to the Rush during lunch and try to get in at least 30 minutes of running, which should put me close to 2.5 miles (I hope!)

I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday because I only lost 2 pounds this past week, and I really wanted to lose more than that. When I got home last night, I had a surprise that was VERY exciting! I had ordered some stuff off clearance from The Avenue (plus size clothes... one day, I hope I never have to say the word "plus size clothes" again). Since the stuff was on clearance, I ordered several pairs of pants in size 22 and one pair size 20. I figured, at some point, I'll lose enough weight to get into the size 20, and the size 22 should at least be able to zip up right now and should fit soon. I started in a size 24 (January/February). SO, I tried everything on, just for the heck of it. The size 22 pants fit GREAT... ALMOST LOOSE! And the best part.... I could get into and zip up the size 20 pants!!!! WOOOOO! They were still a little too tight for me to wear comfortably, it won't be long! I also got some 18/20 shirts (was wearing 22/24). They were pretty clingy (I don't like my rolls to just blatantly show), but I could wear them if I wasn't so self-conscious! So overall, I was SO surprised and happy! I guess even if I'm only losing a little at a time, my body is changing (probably thanks to the running!)

So that made me feel a lot better! Tonight, is the first party I'm attending since I've started Atkins and my weightloss journey. I'm hoping that they have some foods there that I can eat. If not, my goal is to not over eat (obviously), to not eat any dessert (even if the cake looks AMAZING), and to try to stay on track as much as possible! I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to talk to Paul before hand and remind him that this is important to me. I just don't want him offering me cake, and desserts. So here we go... going to fit in my running today!

2 pounds... feeling slightly discouraged

So today was weigh in day, and I'm pretty bummed. I lost two pounds... but I was feeling like it would be in the 4-5 pound range. I know that it's silly to be bummed about losing two pounds because for a week, that's good!... but I'm bummed. I feel like I'm working so hard and the weight is coming off SO SLOWLY! I  know, I know - it didn't all get put on over night and it's going to take a long time (if I do it the healthy way). I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing something so AMAZING and GREAT for myself and that the weight will come off and I will be healthy! It's just hard when there aren't big number changes every week.

Last night, was volleyball night. I played for 2 and half hours and I was WORN out, and also very sore! My legs, feet, ankles, knees... all of them.... hurt. It's weird, I'm not nearly as sore when I run, but when I play volleyball, I'm super sore. I think it's because the movements are so different, not consistent, and way more aggressive. I had a great time though! I'm so thankful to have been invited to that group by Amy because I really don't have any socialization time or girlfriends to hang with. It's always just me and the kids (and Paul when he's off work).

I need to run today. It's really, really cold outside (especially for Tennessee)... 20 degrees... and it SNOWED yesterday! It's almost April... and last week temperatures were in the 70's! Next week, the temperatures are supposed to be warm again, and it's Spring Break!!! So I'm hoping to get in a lot of good workouts next week. Tonight, I guess I'll have to run at the Rush. I haven't been there in SO long! I've been enjoying running outside with Paul and the kids. Hopefully, I'll find a time to run tonight. I'd really like to do 2.5 miles tonight... I hope! I just want to keep losing weight and stick to my goals. Some moments, it's so much harder than others. Right now, I'm feeling the struggle and frustration of my body not changing overnight, but I KNOW I can do it!!!!!

I have 3 and half more weeks to go until Easter (my first weightloss goal), and I have 12 more pounds to lose. that's 4 pounds a week, which seems super lofty after only losing 2 lbs this week, but that's my goal and I'm not changing it!

Weekend Update

Monday seems like it gets here SO fast! It's like the weekend is just a blur. I always have a list of a zillion things I want to get done... and I always get done about 1 (maybe) thing on that list. This weekend was no different, but we had some fun as a family so it was worth it! Friday night, when Paul got off work, we went down to his parents and dropped the kids off. He wanted us to run together (this is the first time we've done that). We decided to go to the Battlefield (it's a national park where the Chickamauga Battle took place). He also decided we would do a trail instead of just run the street. At first, it wasn't terrible... the trail was smooth. In randomly had some pretty big inclines, but it was smooth. It was hard for me, though, because I was VERY conscious of Paul being there. Silly things... like I didn't want him to hear me breathing loud/hard, so I'd try to breathe really quietly, which made me hold my breath and get my breathing completely out of whack.... which then made me winded WAY before I normally am. Also, I didn't wear headphones and listen to music. That helps me SO much because I can zone in on the music and forget about being tired/sore/going slow etc. I told him that at the race, I'm going to have to wear headphones because then I won't worry about my breathing loud and I can focus better. The trail also got really difficult... huge rocks, very muddy. We made it 2 miles jogging, but it wasn't easy or fun. And my feet got blisters because I kept running on new areas of my foot trying to dodge big rocks, sticks, and other debris. I don't ever want to do that again. It was pretty... but hard... and not hard in a good workout way, just hard like I never wanted to run again after that. I don't want to get discouraged. I DID stay on my diet plan though, so that's a positive!

Saturday, we went to the Knoxville Zoo as a family!!! It was SO much fun! Josh went, and I think he even had a good time! Bella fed a giraffe and got to see zebras (her favorite animal... today anyways haha). We did a lot of walking and the kids really behaved. I'm glad they did well because that gave us a good indication of how Disney World is going to be. Also... I wore a shirt that I haven't been able to wear in 3 years!! It was a little tight, but it's getting there! And I'm proud!

Once we got home, we all slept. I told Paul I didn't want to run Saturday because my feet hurt from Friday and I was tired from the walking. Once every napped, he encouraged me that we should go to the park and both run (where one takes care of the kids, the other one runs and then vice verse). So, he dropped me off at the starting point and drove to the playground at the end. I ran 2.2 miles! I stopped once for about a minute to breathe, but other than that, I did it! When I got to the end, he decided he was tired and not feeling great (haha) so he didn't run! SLACKER :) But I'm proud that I did it, and that I didn't take the day off like I had planned. 

Sunday is always busy with church and those responsibilities. I did REALLY bad on the Atkins diet. I didn't over eat like I normally would, but I didn't eat what I was supposed to. The only thing I'm proud of is after dinner (at 6:30) I really wanted a bar or shake the rest of the night because I wanted something sweet. I even felt pretty hungry at one point... but I didn't eat anything else after dinner, and went to bed a little hungry! Normally, I would've eaten like 5 more things. 

Hopefully this upcoming week, I will stay on plan everyday. I also hope that I will run at least 5 of the 7 days, and that I will be a doing at least 2.5 miles each run! The 5K is coming up soon and I just want to make sure I can do it without stopping! I have about a month until Easter, so I still have 14 lbs to lose to reach my goal by Easter!

One final picture.. .Paul BUZZED Wyatt's hair yesterday!!! At 5 months old! I had already cut it twice, but it was still so bad looking, and Paul begged, so I let him. It looks pretty cute though :) 

Made it 2 full miles!

So, I jogged 2 miles straight last night! I'm pretty sure I'm totally awesome! Just kidding... but I did feel totally proud of myself. Paul ran about 1.4 miles.... but he had kept the kids while I ran and he was getting hungry/tired. He also runs a good 2 minutes faster than me. I'm so proud though. We had planned to only run 1.5, but I decided I wanted to push and do 2. Now I only have 1.1 miles left to make it the 5K distance! Me legs were really sore last night... my feet too. It's weird... they didn't hurt at all at 1.5 miles, but at 2 miles, they hurt really bad. The other problem is my shoulders/upper back. I have a really large chest, and I'm nursing, so with the two combined, it's a lot of weight on my shoulders/back. It used to not bother me, but now it's starting to hurt. I don't like bouncing or for my boobs to hit me in the face every time I run, so I wear a wired regular bra, and then a very tight sports bra over that. It's not comfortable at all, but it keeps everything tight. I noticed my shoulders, especially, hurt really bad afterwards though. I really hope that in this losing weight, I lose weight in my chest. If not, I'm going to save up and have surgery to make them smaller. I hate how big they are.

Anyways, after the 2 mile run, it was almost 8PM and none of us had eaten, so we grabbed fast food. I had a half chicken Caesar salad and a cup of chili from Wendy's. It was SO good... but I know it was over my carb allowance. I was worried about it going to bed, because even though I'd had way more water than I needed, I also had a diet coke and I was worried about how much water that was going to make me retain. I'm really proud about the diet coke situation. I usually drink 2-3 a day... .now I have 1-2 A WEEK! That wasn't intentional, but with the healthy eating (AKA, not eating out), and the large cups of water, I haven't really thought about, needed, or wanted diet coke.

So.... I have an addiction to weighing myself. Anytime I use the bathroom, anytime I nurse, basically anytime I'm in my room, I want to weight myself to see if there's any change. I don't think this is healthy at all, but I don't know how to stop it. The obvious answer would be... just don't get on the scale... but that's easier said than done. It's so bad, that anytime I go in my room, I take off my clothes to weigh. WAY TOO MUCH TIME/EFFORT being put into that! But I don't know how to stop it, or if I'm even ready to tackle that yet. I should be just proud of the fact that I'm eating healthy and exercising, but it doesn't seem worth it in my mind if I'm not losing weight (does that make sense?)... So when I am losing weight, the scale going down makes it worth it. Maybe one week, I'll set a goal to not weigh myself once during the week until the weigh-in. I'm not ready to make that goal yet, but I am starting to think about the addiction/problem I have with constantly weighing. I wonder if anyone else is like that.

My goal for this weekend is to stay on my carb count all weekend. I struggle when I'm not on my daily work/school/kids schedule, and when Paul is off work to eat healthy and to eat what I'm supposed to eat to stay on my plan. So I want to do that this weekend, and not have to play catch up next week to get back on track.

11 pounds down... 14 more to go by goal date!

Well I weighed in this morning, and I've lost 4 more pounds since last week!!! WOOO! I figured it wouldn't be as much of a loss as the first week because the first week was such a shock to my system. But I am very happy with 4lbs lost! I want to be at 260 by Easter, so I have 4 weeks to lose 14 more pounds. That's about 3 pounds a week, which I think is VERY doable! I also hope that I can fit into one of my old Easter dresses (size 20) by then!!!

Paul and I ran on Monday, then I had volleyball Tuesday. Wednesday is too busy for us to do anything because I have choir practice and Bella has church/piano, so we didn't get to work out at all yesterday. Tonight, our plan is to run 2 miles! The most we've done so far is 1.5. In my head, that extra .5 doesn't seem like anything... but I know that when I start running, it will seem like a whole lot! Our 5K is quickly approaching... 3 weeks away!

Everyday, at some point, I start feeling kind of bad... or depressed... for lack of better word, that I'm not losing weight faster. I know, logically, that I'm losing really well and that it will take time, and that if I keep losing 3-4lbs a week, I would be at my goal weight way before the end of the year... but on the day to day basis, it's hard to remember that. I want to be skinny now! Even though I know that I didn't gain the weight overnight, so I'm not going to lose the weight overnight. It's just a constant battle in my head and with my emotions!

One positive, is that clothes that haven't fit in 3-4 years are already starting to fit, even after only losing 11 pounds! I didn't expect that, and it's nice to pull stuff out of bags that I haven't been able to wear since before being pregnant with JD and being able to wear them. That helps keep me motivated. I've never been able to shop in regular size clothes (since I can remember... even early high school)... I've always had to shop in plus size (which is super expensive with slim pickings). So I'm excited for the day when I get to shop in the normal size clothes and save lots of money!!!: )

Training for a 5K

I'm not sure that people actually train for a 5K... by people, I mean runners. When I think about it, I imagine that a 5K for runners is nothing, and they don't really have to train for it. Maybe I'm wrong? But I'm training, because I've never ran more than half a mile in my life. Well, that's a lie, now that I'm training. I don't think Paul and I have actually verbalized a training schedule or said "We're going to run x amount of days each week for x amount of miles."... but it's happening, and I'm really proud! Yesterday, it was 42 degrees outside when we went for our jog. For Chattanooga, that's pretty cold... especially for our kids. I was in a very cranky mood because the kids had worn me out from the time I got off work to the time Paul got off work (about 4 hours). So I snapped at him, right off the bat. Luckily, the running helped both of us get in a better mood for the evening. Last Thurs-Saturday, we each jogged a mile. I'd jog a mile, while he played with the kids, then he'd jog a mile while I played with the kids.

Tonight we decided we'd do 1.5 miles. This was BY FAR my easiest jog since January! It was so nice to feel like I wasn't exhausted, frustrated, or in pain! It made me feel like this work is paying off. Paul had a really hard time and felt like he over did it. I think he is going a little too fast. I'm running about a 14:00 mile... which I know, is slow... but it's a start. When I get down to a 12:30/mi pace, I get a little too winded. Paul said that our goal should be to never run less than we are running now, and try to increase weekly. So like next week, 2 miles. The next week 2.5 miles, and then the 3.1 miles the next. That would have us running a full 5K for a week before the race. That seems so far away and so close all at the same time! It makes me so nervous. I just want to not walk any of it. Who am I kidding!?!? I want to go "fast," for me. But I'll be very proud just to finish it.

Diet wise, I'm doing good! I want to cut back a little on the Atkins endulge bars/treats. I think I'm eating one too many of them. I'd really like to get down to 3 small meals and 2 small snacks a day (and they need to be within the guidelines of Phase 1 of course). Tonight is volleyball! I love volleyball night because it's good exercise, but WAY more fun than running. :) Paul said he's planning on running sometime today at the gym, and that I need to too. I think he's planning on us running 5-6x a week! Some days, I dread it, but once I'm done, I feel like I've accomplished something so great! Something I never thought I'd be able to accomplish. I'm also excited to weigh in tomorrow and see if I'm getting any closer to my Easter goal (260lbs).

Saint Patrick's Day!!!! AND I FINALLY REGISTERED FOR THE 5K!!!!!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day everyone! (I say everyone like people read this, even though I know it's just a journal for myself haha). I can't believe March is more than halfway over! WHAT?!?!

This weekend was a blur. I hate that the weekends go by so fast. I feel like I don't get enough time with my kids and that I'm constantly doing things like cleaning (boo!), laundry (BOO!), and cooking (BOOOOOO!!!). This weekend, I cleaned some, and did some laundry, and cooked a lot more than normal. We also started on a lot of projects around the house to start finishing our unfinished house FINALLY! We moved into the house last July, and pretty much have been completely remodeling the entire house. So we've started working on the back porch now. I... ALL BY MYSELF!!!... pulled up all the carpet on our back porch. It was NOT easy, and the dust... well it didn't help my already sore throat from strep throat. But, I kept telling myself it was GREAT exercise... and it was! My legs were SORE.

For the most part, I stayed on plan this weekend with my Atkins diet. I am now 2 weeks through! It's weird, I've only lost about 10lbs, but yesterday at church, I had several people (people that didn't know I was trying to lose weight/diet) tell me that I look like I'm losing a lot of weight. It made me feel great and helped give me the push I need to follow my diet. Yesterday, though, I found myself feeling SUPER hungry ALLLL day! It made it hard to stay on track because I just wanted to gorge myself on anything that was in front of me. Paul said I should have gone running because it would be a great time to run when you feel hungry because it would burn fat. I don't know if that's true, but the thought of running while hungry did not sound fun. Plus, we had both decided Sunday was our day off from running.

BECAUSE.... I FINALLY signed us up for our first 5K (us being me and Paul!). I think he's as nervous as I am, because ever since I signed us up (Thursday), he has wanted to run. We've never ran together, and he normally doesn't run when he works out. I told him if I had've known all it took to get him to spend time with me was to sign us up for a race, I would've done it a long time ago ;) Anyways, we are doing the Kiwanis Club 5k. It says that it is slightly sloped the first mile, and the last mile is mostly downhill. I have so many feelings... most of which are SCARED! It's crazy how insecure I am about stuff like this. Here are my big fears:

1. What if I'm the fattest person there?
2. What if everyone looks at me and thinks "why is she even here?"
3. What if I'm the slowest one there?

UGH. But it was a goal and I plan to keep it. Paul warned me that there will be people there that finish the entire race before we even finish a mile. I just don't want to feel embarrassed.... the whole point of doing this is to feel proud. I know that these are just fears of mine that I have to get over. So we started running together on Thursday... well sort of. Since we have the kids with us, I pushed the stroller and Bella rode her bike, while Paul ran a mile, then he stayed with the kids while I ran a mile. We've been choosing different outdoor locations with hills so that we can get in good practice, instead of just a straightaway. I'm not going to lie... a mile feels like torture... and we have to do 3.1 miles, in less than a month. I'm doing it at about a 13:30 pace, he's doing it at about a 12:02 pace. We did that Thurs, Friday, and Saturday. We took off Sunday. Today we are going to shoot for 1.5 to 2 miles each. We've got to move fast, or we'll never make it through the whole 3.1 miles, and part of my goal was to jog/run the whole thing. I'm just proud that I registered, and I'm excited that Paul is doing it with me. I hope I lose the nerves and just enjoy the process.

I'm also excited to weigh in on Wednesday. I had been weighing in on Mondays, but with the strep throat that went through our house, I got kind of off.

I'll end with a little picture of our Easter/Spring decorations Isabella and I put out Saturday :)

Made it more than a week! GO ME!

So I've successfully completed over an entire week of the Atkins diet! WOOOOOO! And it wasn't too terribly hard! I've had a couple of times where I've been really hungry, or really craving something terrible for me, but overall, I've felt pretty good! I haven't posted much about it because it's been kind of crazy. Last Wednesday, JD had a rash all over his body and a high fever. Found out he had scarlet fever and severe strep throat. The scarlet fever sounded super scary, but the pediatrician said that it was just a by-product of the strep throat. So I stayed home with him Thursday. I didn't get to exercise Wednesday or Thursday because of that, and then Friday it was almost 70 degrees YES so we spent the evening outside with the kids (I didn't get to exercise that night either).

Thursday was actually the hardest day to stay on my diet, when I was at home. I guess being home and bored, and I just wanted to eat eat eat all day (and eat crap at that). I cheated once, but I didn't fall off of the band wagon completely.

Saturday, when Paul got off work, we went for a hike (well more like a trail walk with the kids) but it was fun! Then we met my parents at Cheddars (it's a new restaurant we just got). The wait was long, and of course, there wasn't much I could eat on the menu, but I didn't really cheat there either. I had a few bites of one of Paul's chicken fingers (I guess that was a cheat), but other than that, I shared a few bites of his steak and most of his broccoli. The servings are HUGE so he didn't seem to mind.

Here's some sweet picts from the hike :)

Then the bad days came. I started feeling TERRIBLE Sunday, and by that evening, I was running a high fever and my throat was throbbing. I pretty much knew immediately what it was, thanks to JD :) I went Monday morning to the DR and I had severe strep. So I got put on an antibiotic, that subsequently caused my to have a slight urinary tract infection. (TMI, I know). I have struggled with Chronic UTI's ever since JD was born. It's been doing better, but something about the antibiotic triggered it. So Monday, I didn't follow the diet at all. I rushed to the doctor and didn't pack breakfast or lunch, so I ate terrible when I did it. It hurt to swallow so I didn't eat tons. Mom fixed me her AMAZING chicken soup for dinner (which is totally against the diet) but I ate that because it felt so nice on my throat. Then Paul picked up sherbet icecream and sprite and surprised me with kind of an ice cream punch. It felt so good on my throat too! So Monday was a major setback because 1) the AZO pills I have to take for the UTI makes my body hold on to a lot of the water in my body (makes me swell), and 2) I ate sweets, sweets, and carbs :) I was sick. It happens.

Tuesday, I was back on track, though, and did great! I also found out that Bi-lo had the Atkins freezer meals B1G1, so I bought 4. I figured they'd taste terrible, or wouldn't be filling, but it was actually REALLY good! I had the chicken and broccoli alfredo. I didn't pay attention to the package, so I expected noodles (the pasta), but it was just chicken and broccoli with an alfredo like sauce. That makes sense since I assume alfredo noodles would have a lot a carbs. It was really good though, and I felt very full! YAY! I'm going to go back today and stock up on those while they're on sale.

SO BEST PART OF ALL OF THIS! I weighed this morning! It's been more than a week, it's been a week and 2 days, but I kind of subtracted Sunday and Monday (sick days), so it's basically been a week! AND I LOST 7 POUNDS!!!!! I smiled really big this morning when I saw the scale. What motivation!! So this week, I'm going to stick to the plan again, but add in more working out, now that I'm starting to feel better. I really have to start consistently training for the 5k now, because I'm looking at one to sign up for that is exactly 1 month from tomorrow! Yikes! It makes me so nervous, but one of my goals is to run a 5K by the end of April, so it's time to suck it up, get over the fears, and DO IT! Speaking of goals, I'm 18 lbs away from reaching my goal of 260lbs by Easter. I think if I add in exercise, it will be more than possible!!!!

Here's what yesterday's stats looked like! VERY GOOD!

2 Days Down... I'M A CONQUEROR!

So I've completed 2 days of the Atkins diet, and it hasn't been bad at all! I thought I would just die, but I've only felt hungry 2-3x the last two days, and it was easily remedied with either an Atkins advantage bar (which is like a candy bar) or some tuna or meat. I'm not going to lie, I've weighed myself both days.... and it's been EXCITING to see results! I'm not going to share the results until I do my official weigh in on Monday... but it's so nice to see numbers changing!

I've worked hard the last two days to be very careful about what I eat. I've even eaten completely different dinners than my family, which is a HUGE change. The biggest change is that I haven't had a candy bar (normally I have 3-4 ...embarrassing) the last 2 days, and I haven't had any bread, crackers, sweets, or fruit. I know that fruit isn't bad for you, but during this phase, it's not allowed. I also haven't had fast food (fries, burgers, etc). I realized this morning, when I woke up that I also haven't had a diet coke in 2 DAYS! Normally I have 2-3 a day. That wasn't really a goal of mine, but I guess that's what happens when you eat at home, instead of eating out.

The other big thing is I've gotten in some form of exercising both days! Monday, as I wrote about yesterday, I worked out at the gym (mostly jogging). Last night, my friend Amy invited me to a volleyball group she plays with. I almost didn't go (I get really nervous about groups of new people/activities)... but I forced myself... and I'm SO GLAD I went! It was a great way to get in almost 2 hours of exercise, and it was so nice to meet some new people! They play every Tuesday, so I'm hoping to get to go to that at least 2x a month.

Today (Wednesday) is my and Paul's 3 year anniversary!!! Sometimes, I can't believe we have made it 3 years! All of the odds were against us, but we are committed and sometimes that's more important than anything else... to honor the commitment. I love him so much... even though we have had some major hard times. In the last 3 years of marriage, I graduated college, started my first full time teaching job, Paul adopted Isabella, Josh graduated high school, we had two new baby boys, and we bought our first home. WOW! That's a lot to go through during the first years of marriage... but we have and I'm proud to say that most of the time we've done it with greatness! I told him I'm hoping for a non-life changing event year in our marriage.. but now thinking about it... I'm not hoping that at all. I'm hoping to lose 100lbs this year, which to me is a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING EVENT! So here's to that life changing event this year!

Today, I'm going to force myself to sit down and find a 5K to run in April, so I can mark a goal off my goal list. It makes me so nervous, because I'm still so overweight, and I'm not a runner. I don't want to show up and people look at me like I'm the big fatso trying to run a 5K with all these runners. I also get nervous in large crowds. So I just need to pay the money, and suck up the fears, and DO IT! I think I will be proud of myself once it's done, and I think it will help me be more consistent in my working out/running.

Here's my breakdown for eating yesterday:
Breakfast - GNC Lean Chocolate Protein Shake
Snack - Atkins Advantage Chocolate Caramel Nut Log
Lunch - Grilled chicken salad (lettuce, grilled chicken, shredded cheddar, carrots, ranch dressing)
Snack - Atkins Advantage Chocolate Caramel Nut Log
Dinner - pork shoulder roast - leftover (basically shredded BBQ pork w/out the sauce) and green beans

and a butt load of water, and 1 cup of coffee :)

SUCCESS! (one day at a time)

Yesterday, I successfully completed Day 1 of the Atkins diet!!! There were moments where it was super easy and moments where it was super hard, but I did it. And so far today, I'm doing it too! WOOOOOOO!!!! It is way easier for me to follow strict guidelines, than to try and control my eating through counting calories. I feel like I'm going to see results too, which is always helpful!

I'm in the induction phase (phase 1) of the Atkins process. I really am thankful that all of the information/resources are FREE online Atkins Resources ... and there's a free member site (and APP for my iPhone) that allows me to enter in all my food and keeps track of everything for me. It's WAY easier than My Fitness Pal, which I had been using. Basically, the way the induction phase works is that I have a list of foods I can/can't eat. I mostly have to stick to protein and veggies. I'm supposed to eat anywhere between 18-22 net carbs a day (net carbs is total carbs per serving minus any fiber or sugar alcohols). Most proteins (excluding eggs) have no net carbs, and most veggies have very little. I've done something similar to this program before and had pretty good success. I like a lot of veggies and meat, so that makes it pretty easy. Atkins also makes different types of bars (endulge and advantage) that are kind of like desserts/treats. You're allowed to have those as well, as long as you don't go over your net carb count. So basically, I said goodbye to most of what I eat on a daily basis. It was actually SHOCKING to see how many carbs I was eating each day! I was probably eating somewhere close to 300 carbs a day.... CRAZY!

So here's what it looked like for me yesterday:

Breakfast - 3 scrambled eggs and coffee
Snack - Atkins Advantage Caramel Chocolate Nut Bar
Lunch - Grilled Chicken Salad (lettuce, chicken, 2tbs light Italian dressing, shredded mozzarella cheese
Snack - 1/2 Atkins Advantage Caramel Chocolate Nut Bar, 1 can tuna
Dinner - roasted pork shoulder shredded (basically Pork BBQ without the sauce), 1 cup green beans
Snack - 1/2 Atkins Advantage Caramel Chocolate Nut Bar

I don't plan on eating two atkins bars each day (they're expensive), but I didn't have a lot of choices at the house. I will need to eat more vegetables, but I have to go to the grocery and get stocked up. I think for breakfast, I'm going to start drinking a protein shake, because I don't really have time during the week to fix eggs. Plus, since I'm still nursing, I'm going to make the protein shake with milk so that I can get some calcium (this isn't really allowed on the plan, but I know I have to have some calcium). Here's the protein powder I plan on taking:

	Serving Size   2 Scoops
	Servings Per Container  16
	Amount Per Serving		% DV
	Calories	200.00
	Calories from Fat	30.00
	Total Fat	3.00 g	5%
	Saturated Fat	1.50 g	8%
	Cholesterol	60.00 mg	20%
	Sodium	280.00 mg	12%
	Potassium	480.00 mg	14%
	Total Carbohydrate	17.00 g	6%
	Dietary Fiber	8.00 g	32%
	Soluble Fiber	5.00 g
	Sugars	4.00 g
	Protein	25.00 g	0%

Another positive... I finally forced myself to the gym to start working out again!!!! I decided instead of trying to run a long distance (which always messes me up mentally), that I would just jog for as long as I could before hurting or getting out of breath. So I set it on 4.5 mph (I know that's slow but for someone that's 285 lbs it didn't feel slow) and I got started. I tried not to look at the time so that I wouldn't get discouraged. I made it to 8 MINUTES without feeling like I needed to quit. I was getting winded though, so I stepped off for 20 seconds then got back on and continued. I ended jogging a complete mile at 13:30 without any breaks except that 20 sec break!!! That's the first time I've been able to do that. I then figured I should continue until 20:00, so I slowed it to 3.5mph and set the incline to 15%... that was KILLER! My heart was pounding so fast. At 17:00 I lowered it to 10% and finished that way. Once I did that, I ran the stairs 12 times (about 30 stairs). Total, I burned almost 500 calories! YAY! I wasn't exhausted, but I was sore and felt like I had a good workout.

I had a slight headache going to bed last night... I figure it's from the total detox of sugar and carbs... but I think that will get better! I woke up about 4AM feeling hungry, but thankfully that feeling subsided pretty quick.

All in all, yesterday was a complete success! I'm excited for my weigh-in to see how I've done so far! I feel like this is finally going to happen and I'm FINALLY going to lose weight!!!