I don't even want to talk about it...

I don't even want to talk about the weekend, because I said I wouldn't lose control through the holiday.... but I, unfortunately lost control. Obviously, in losing control, I did not meet my goal of weighing 260lbs by Sunday! I gained 1 lb!!! UGH! Actually... I'm shocked that it wasn't more like 10-15 lbs... that's how much I ate, and how gross it felt to eat that much. This isn't going to be a totally negative post because there were some great moments from this weekend. So I'll try to get through it all as quickly as possible.

First, and almost MOST important... I can cross another goal of my list that I successfully completed! This is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I TOLD MY HUSBAND HOW MUCH I WEIGHED! If you don't fully understand why this is exciting/important, you can read about this issue HERE . But I talked to him about my fears of him knowing, and about how crazy I've been trying to hide/cover it up over the years, and that I just want to be free to let that fear go and trust that he'll love me. So I told him. He didn't say he was shocked that it was that high, or low, or that I looked about that weight. He said it was amazing that in 5 months I've gone from 320 to 270 and that he is SO proud of me. He also said that I need to make sure I'm not doing this for him, but for me... which I think I am. He also told me he loved me no matter what size I am.... while that's still hard for me to believe, I'm trying to tell myself that daily.

SO that was great to check that off the goal list! Another exciting thing... I wore a dress for Easter that I haven't been able to fit into since before I had JD (that's almost 4 years ago!). YES, I wore spanx with it ;) but that was mostly because I just wanted to make sure nothing was "falling out." :) The dress was a size 22W, which is what I wear, but it is pretty fitted and straight cut! I was so excited! I was nervous getting ready to put it on Sunday, because I wasn't sure it would fit and hadn't thought about the possibility of it not fitting and what I would wear if it didn't.

I didn't run any this weekend. I just didn't have time. My grandfather (Mom's Dad) is about to pass away, so she was up there almost the entire weekend taking care of him. Paul had to work Saturday, so I had the kids for the Easter Egg Hunt and all the preparations for Sunday. Sunday, we normally do a huge family dinner, but my Mom normally does it at her house. Since she's been so overwhelmed... I volunteered to do it. So I had TONS of cleaning and cooking to do Saturday and Sunday. We had a great time with our family, but I just couldn't/ didn't control my eating.

 I don't want to focus on it too long, because I want to dust myself off and get started again. The kids and I baked cookies (which I ate tons of), and a cake (which I ate and licked tons of). There's really no way to sugar coat it. I ate crap from Friday-Sunday, with ZERO self control. I feel embarrassed, disappointed, and ashamed, but again... just going to start fresh today. I just want to be able to control those urges and to overcome the temptation to always eat and always eat SO much!




So tonight... I'm going back to eating my healthy, "diet" food for lack of  a better word. I had been trying to eat smaller portions of whatever I cook the family.. but that's not working. The portions keep getting bigger and bigger. And also, time for running again :)