The last 2 weeks, I've been really struggling with my eating and my diet plans. It's weird... I have been doing great all day (breakfast, lunch, snacks, and then at dinner, I just want to binge out on whatever I'm cooking for the family... and after dinner.... I've been feeling this unbelievably crazy urge to constantly snack. Some nights... the good nights... I didn't give in to it. Other nights (most nights), I snacked on an Atkins bar (even though I'd already had 1 or 2 throughout the day) and Wheat Thins (which aren't even allowed on my diet, but I kept telling myself they're ok because they're "healthy" crackers). Stupid, I know. Then I beat myself up, and start all over doing the same stupid stuff again. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm glad for school to be back in session, because the schedule helps me have structure and helps me stay on my plan. This thought makes me nervous about the summer and lack of schedule.
I haven't gained any weight, but my weight loss hasn't been what I hoped it would be. Another thing I haven't been doing is logging my food in my Atkins app. I think that would help me too. I basically have a week and a half until Easter (my first goal weigh in), and I still have 11 lbs to lose. I'm not going to starve myself to do it, and if I miss that goal, I miss it, but I want to try my hardest. Tonight, I have volleyball, which feels like a good workout. I may try to get in a run after volleyball before I head home. We'll see.
Speaking of running... I am VERY happy with the progress I'm making there! In March, I ran a total of 19.2 miles (at 285-275 lbs)!! I know that probably doesn't sound like a lot, but for me, that is the most I've probably ever ran in my life, and I'm proud! Also, I ran a full 3.1 miles the last two Sundays! The exciting part about that was my time difference/improvement in a week's time.
So, my first 3.1 miles I did in 46:24.... one week later, I completed the same amount in 42:43!!!!! This makes me SO happy because I was very nervous that I wouldn't be able to complete my very first 5k (this Sunday) in under 45 minutes (my goal). But now, after this past week, I feel like it's definitely more possible! I'm still very nervous about the 5k, and hope that I don't feel overwhelmed by all of the people there. I also want to try to find something to wear for Sunday... something that actually looks like athletic clothes and not like loose pajamas.
Sometimes I still can't believe that at 270 something pounds, I'm jogging/running. Every time I start, the first 1/2 to 3/4 mile is TORTURE. I try to talk myself out of finishing and just quitting every time. I come up with every excuse from my knees hurt, to my ankles hurt, to it's hot, to I need to be playing with my kids.... it's crazy how my mind is. But then, while I'm coming up with those excuses, I focus on 2 main questions: 1) Am I struggling to breathe (am I winded), and 2) Do my legs hurt/feel tired. Everytime I ask those 2 questions, the answer is always no, which means, I should keep running. I don't feel winded or out of breath, and my legs don't feel like they're about to fall apart, so I figure I should keep going... and I do. By mile 2, I start realizing, that I'm not super exhausted, and that I'm more than halfway to my goal. I also start imagining myself crossing the finish line Sunday. I wonder if I'll be emotional, if I'll look completely exhausted, if I'll even care. I hope I care.... I hope I feel really proud. I don't really want to cry, but I'm not ashamed to. I hope I enjoy it and want to do another one soon.
Most important, though, I hope I continue on this journey. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to be obese forever. I'm not going to have to wear plus size the rest of my life. I'm not going to look in the mirror and be ashamed. I'm not going to lay in bed beside my husband and try to find the perfect angle to lay where he can't feel/see every roll on my body.
I am going to win this battle.
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